Something has peaked my curiosity. I read somewhere on the Harley's site that about three weeks after the discovery of an affair the WS would, I'm not sure of the word, but break a little. BINGO THAT"S WHAT HAPPENED. ALmost three weeks to the day my wife came to and wanted to slow this whole divorce thing down. I was wondering from the more experienced here are there any more almost predictable things that I should be on the look out for? Its been almost a month now since I found out about the affair. Just curious???????

Goodguy,<P>First, let me tell ya, I like your screen name. It shows a little bit of self respect and optimism.<P>I have been here at MB for a year now, and struggling for my marriage for about one and a half years--my H moved out and had his A in Feb. 2000. Anyway, there are some "timelines" that are general guidelines, but since each marriage and each affair is so different, it's a little hard to pin them down. <P>Actually, my story is pretty typical, so I'll use my story as a guideline for ya. My H and I were strangers in our own home for about 6 months prior to the A. My heart ached for him to "make things right" with me, but because I was so hurt and lonely and stuff, I was very angry, judgemental, critical, and ... well ... b*tchy! :0<P>Anyway, he met his OP through work, and she thought he was smart, handsome, and looked up to him for all his hard work. Of course, it started off as harmless flirting, phone calls, and "service calls" at her site. But in Feb. 2000, my H moved out of the house. During the months of February and March (and to some degree April), he would disappear for days at a time, lie about where he was or who he was with, cover his tracks, push EVERY SINGLE BUTTON I had, and there's no nice way to say this: he hated me. I could see it in his face--I called it the hate face. I could NOT understand how he could be so cruel and selfish. If he hated me, that was one thing, but it was as if he wanted to erase me and the kids right out of his life. So, the first couple of months on the timeline are HARD! It feels like they hurt you all the time, and it's major, heart-wrenching pain.<P>The next couple of months (starting in April, and May) I got stronger and started to get my feet underneath me. He still had a relationship with the OW, but he could at least disengage and not rip my guts out. He came around by the kids a little more. I had read Dr. Phil's book, so I tried to apply some of those prinicipals--like how did I contribute? Being honest with myself. Thinking about and letting him know what I need and doing my best to find out what he needs and offer that to him. It still sort of felt like his heart was "turned off", but at least he hung around. So, timeline-wise, months three and four were basically growing myself as a person and wife, finding out what his needs and my needs were, and doing my best to meet them. In other words, PLAN A!! I think from his point of view, months four and five were checking it out to see if some of the changes were real.<P>In June, around Father's Day, he officially moved home, but he didn't want me to touch him at all. Sex was non-existent and to be honest, it was like his body moved home but his heart didn't. Apparently, during this time, he was feeling depressed about leaving his OP and kind of mourning the loss. But to me, it felt like he left me, rejected me, dumped me, and then when he moved back, he wanted ME to woo him back and give him a reason to stay! It was shocking, but that's the way it was. We went along that way for most of the summer and somewhere in that time, I discovered MB. For a while, he even claimed ED to avoid sex! I tried to handle it as best as I could and be supportive, but I have to also admit that I was desperate for him to "get into the relationship." So, months five to nine (June to Oct.) were withdrawal, him mourning the loss of his OW, no sex, emotional distance, and just gradually trying to get back in the mood of wanting to be close to each other.<P>Months ten and eleven were disasterous for me. I think I did something wrong or he had a flashback or had contact with her again, or something, because he hated me again and it almost killed me. The whole month of December he was out of state, with her, and missed the holidays and New Years with us. I would say this is a pretty typical example of what happens when there is contact with the OP again, but it was brutal, and the season didn't help.<P>During January 2001, I started to accept the fact that our marriage was over and I was going to be divorced. I didn't want to divorce, and I wouldn't file divorce, but that's what was going to happen. In a strange way, I started to feel better and stronger and my self-confidence grew. The fact is, there was a guy I had a little crush on, and I didn't act on it (if you know what I mean), but I thought he was a neat guy and I think he thought highly of me too. That made me feel a lot better inside myself. Well, lo and behold, something happened, and my H "woke up" and realized I might not just hang around and wait for him, I guess. So at the end of Jan., we started to discover recovery and reconciliation for real--and this time I thought his heart was really in it!<P>So at the ONE YEAR mark, I thought about it, really considered what to do and what I thought was right/moral and what I was best for me and my family...and exactly one year from the date he moved out, we decided to reconcile. <P>In the next six months, we literally "cruised." It was like we put our relationship in neutral and just existed, but we did talk a bit, and we did have sex. It was a bit better but we still hadn't addressed the A or ENs or LBs. One day, out of the blue, he told me he had found a house that he liked and I should drive by it. I thought it was just a house, but he got a mortgage and bought it, and within one month from first seeing it, we moved!! I was stunned. During the move, I purposely did not try for "relationship talks" and just tried to be helpful but out of the way. <P>But once we were moved and settled (June of this year--month 17) I re-evaluated what I had requested as minimum requirements for reconciling, and none had been done. I re-asserted the requirements and ... to make an already long post shorter, there was one night when he was mad and yelled at me until 3am! That's when I said, "I don't deserve this. No one does" and moved out myself. <P>During July and August (months 18 and 19), I was separated from the family, but I still came by every night after work, hung out with them all, had dinner at home, helped out with chores--even the occasional overnight stay My H started to attend anger classes, and we started going to marital counseling. Just recently he started to actually open up and let me talk to him a little bit about the A--before this it was, "That's the past. Can't you let it go and move on?" He also told me that back in Feb. when we reconciled, he was not ready to admit he was filled with anger.<P>So, now, here we are: month 20!! I think in real life, we are finally starting to enter REAL recovery--before we were just existing and getting along. <P>Hope this is helpful! <P>CJ<P><BR><P>------------------<BR>Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.