Hi everyone,<P>I have only been on here for a few days. I am having such a rough week this week, I am grateful to have this site. Even though sometimes I wonder if I'm in the right place. I don't want to make my marriage work. I do think all this will help me in my future relationships though. Well so thanks everyone for being so sweet to me.<P>Anyway, I wrote this on TLC's posting already but I would like to get several opinions on this. I am not yet divorced but I think it should happen in about a month or so. My husband wasn't a cheater but he was physically and mentally abusive. We separated in June. He couldn't handle my depression and my withdrawal from him. He thought for sure I was having an affair. He just couldn't seem to understand why beating me up would actually put me in a depression...go figure. Anyway, last weekend I went on my first date. I had a lot of fun and I enjoyed it a lot. It was a real ego booster, at first, but now I have had a hard time all week. A very hard time! I think it was because of the date. In one way I think we aren't getting back together so why not date and then there's the other side of me that says "you are still married. Also, I have thought about if I start dating and he sees me, he will say "Oh I was so right it had nothing to do with beating you up, you had this guy all along." Dang, why should I care what he thinks.<P>Ok getting to the questions. For those out there who have dated. Did you find it hard to date at first? Does this get better as you go? Any advice on dating? <P>Now a question for anyone out there. Should I even date before the divorce is final?<P>Well it seems so easy for me to give advice to others and so hard for me to know what to do with my own situation...<P>Thanks all in advance for your advice.<P>ANNA

<BR>I replied on the <I>All done tomorrow.</I> thread.<P>Yes, I dated (actually, got involved in not one but two serious relationships) before divorce.<P>No, I wouldn't recommend it.<P><P>------------------<BR>T-L-C<BR>------------------<BR><I>"You don't really know a person you love until they don't love you anymore.<BR>Then you know more than you ever wanted to."</I>

[QUOTE]Originally posted by T-L-C:<BR>[B]<BR>I replied on the <I>All done tomorrow.</I> thread.<P>TLC,<P>Thanks, you gave a lot of good sound advice. NOW, is there a way for me to rewind my life back to before the date happened? hehe<P>You said "separated since June that's a short period" and you are right. However, in the three years since he attacked me, I'll bet we've kissed less than 10 times and had sex less than 15 times. Yep, I know it's weird that we would have sex more times than kissing, but I hated kissing him and he knew it. When we kissed I would literally feel sick to my stomach by the smell of his breath. It was exactly like when I was very young and got drunk on wine, for years the smell of wine made me feel like I was going to puke. His breath was like that bottle of wine. Of course I hated sex too but that one didn't stop him as much as the kissing did. Dang, three years is a long time to not have someone to love and want in your life. I miss loving someone, I miss affection, kissing, cuddling, all that... <P>You are so right though I need to try to wait to date anymore. After all it may only be another month and the divorce will be final.<P>Thanks for your help.<BR>ANNA<P>

Hi Anna!<P>My ex was abusive too. And he's been gone for almost 2 years and I'm still not ready to date. I had a guy ask me out but he's looking for a relationship and that's something that I just can't give him. <P>Healing from a divorce takes time (Harley says about 2 years) and healing from an abusive marriage AND divorce probably takes just as long if not longer! <P>The loneliness will pass. You need time to be content with yourself and learn who you are and what you like to do!<P>Mitzi

Anna,<BR>I too am considering dating, but the more I think about it and consider it, the more I realize I am not ready and I would be placing myself and the one I am dating in a bad situation. The fact is, I think this feeling comes from what we perceive as a NEED. NEED is very selfish and can be a sign of dependency. I have read the "Stop Your Divorce" book, and while I do understand you dont want that, it does offer sound advice on bettering YOU! That is, we must realize that we shouldnt NEED anyone to be happy and feel love. We should, rather, prefer to have someone to love and cherish. You can only make YOU happy. It is wrong to place that burden on someone else, which is what we are doing when we NEED someone. I am lonely, hurting and hoping. But each day I am realizing that I dont need anyone to make me happy. I would prefer to have someone there to share with, talk with, make love with, but if I cant be happy with myself FIRST, then I will only be disappointed with someone else. I am expecting so much from that individual via my need, that it places them at a disadvantage, because what if they dont meet my NEED. This is what happens so often in divorces (not your case). "Im not in love with him/her", "I dont FEEL love for them". We are allowing our emotions to drive that train, and honestly I believe selfishness is at the root of our emotions. You must be happy and content with you before you can be happy with someone else. At least that is how I see it.<P>

<BR>Anna, I think it's even more tempting to want to date sooner and feel loved and attractive for those of us who have been in abusive relationships.<P>I simply ached so much for that loving, non-violent, non-threatening affection that I was in another man's arms within days of moving out. A man that was not even close to my type, but was right there with that safe, normal, comforting feeling.<P>I really hurt that guy when I came out of the fog, and started to recognize that it had been a rebound all along and we had both been in denial of it. He was very much in love with me. I really thought what I felt was as strong and real as what he felt, but now that I'm out, I can see how fickle my *love* for him was. It's hard to look at myself with that much criticism.<P>Before the physical separation from my ex but during the many months I was developing the strength to leave him, I was very reliant on my church group and on a very few close friends for the non-violent, non-threatening love and support I needed to make my move. You might seek out that kind of emotional support rather than the less stable kind you might get from a dating relationship.<P>Just ideas ... working through my own thoughts as I type.<BR><P>------------------<BR>T-L-C<BR>------------------<BR><I>"You don't really know a person you love until they don't love you anymore.<BR>Then you know more than you ever wanted to."</I>

Thanks ALL!<P>You all brought up some really good points.<P>Although, Rob, I keep thinking about what you said. I am happy with myself. I do feel good about myself. Well, except for dating. I don't feel good about dating while I am still married. My situation is different than yours though, you are still in love with your spouse, I am not in love with my husband. You are right, this would not be fair to any one you dated. Also, I do think wanting affection and love from someone else is human nature. Just look at Adam, God even knew he needed an Eve. Needing and being needy is two different things. <P>Also, Mitzi and TLC it is comforting to find someone on here who has had similar problems. Although, I wouldn't wish an abusive husband on anyone, but you guys know what I mean. Well once I think about it though...Isn't a spouse having an affair just as abusive as being physical abused? I would think "YES!" So, hmmm, there are more people in here that I can relate to than I first thought.<P>Anyway, thanks guys!<P>ANNA<BR>

Anna,<BR>Touche! Perhaps I was speaking more for my self. Thanks for the correction. I think, though, we may need, there's that word again, to replace what we are calling need with a word that is more appropriate, like desirous, wanting or something of that nature. I think it is probably more of a sematical thing than anything. Need, to me evokes something that is "required" like food. I would rather think of myself as wanting to share life with someone rather than needing someone. Call me a hair-splitter, but I agree with you wholeheartedly. We all need, I mean want someone to hold, love and share life with. I believe that we get what we give. I gave very little thus I have very little. Once we give love, we get love. Sometimes it just isnt when perhaps we think we should have it or when we want it. That is the most difficult part of what I am dealing with, as perhaps you are as well. But I think therein lies the trap. I believe that in order for it to return, it must be given freely and without expectation knowing that it will return in full. Maybe today, maybe later, nevertheless it WILL return. I digress. Anna, have a wonderful day tomorrow. Continue to take care of yourself and dont let the dating thing get you too down. I am pretty sure I have given up on that idea myself all things considered.

(((((anna))))))<P>NO NO NO NO!!!!<P>If you read my recent post, update after more betrayals, you'll see why I say this! However, I totally know where you are coming from, I just found out the hard way, waiting, and time, will never hurt you, but dating too soon, that can hurt you.<P>Take time to heal and read this site, and as much as you can. If you find yourself lonely, spend time with family members and trusted friends.<P>Good luck, <BR>Dana<P>PS "rebuilding when the relationship ends", by Dr Fisher is a good book about the emotions you feel during the divorce process and what you should experience before you are healthy to date again.<BR>