Hello<BR>I have a few questions to ask you about a friend of mine. She is getting a divorce, but her self esteem is very low, and I can not convince her it was not her problem.<BR>She got married at age 20, this girl was married for 8 years ,,,,,,, one night shortly after she got married, she felt the bed start to shake,,she turned around and saw her husband masturbating. She said she was very shocked. I guess this went on for a while, and she told him not to do it. So he ended up going to the bathroom and closing the door to be with himself. She said that she found lots and lots of nude girl magazines all around the house. That he would try to hide them from her. But she would just throw them away. <BR>And then he eventually did not even try to hide it from her. He told her that all guys masturbate.<BR>One time she came home, and found him with his pants down in front of the computer, he was looking at some adult sites.<BR>And other cases lead to him keeping her in the bed room while he experimented with a plastic doll in the living room.<BR>She found letters he wrote on the internet to different girls, and he did the quick chat also.<BR>As time went on, it was less of making love together , and more of him masturbating.<BR>She told me that she thought it was her, that she was not attracted, or that all guys do this. She thought she was to blame. Maybe she was not doing something right, or her body was not pleasing to him.<BR>They decided to have a baby 2 or 3 years ago, but when she was pregnant, she believes he cheated on her with another girl.<BR>All she has is letters from that girl to prove her theory, but he says it is not true, that he say that the girl made it up.<BR>So they got separated and filed for divorce. <BR>Now she has a 18 month old girl.<BR>I guess when she takes the baby girl over there,,she still finds magazines.<BR>This girl I am talking about is very beautiful, and she is really nice and kind, but she believes she is the cause, or the problem, and she led him to do this.<BR>She is also worried about her baby girl, that maybe the things he does,, that he might do something sick, or bad to her, but then she says it is probably of her worrying to hard.<BR>I guess she is just remembering some of these things, she said she must have forgotten them , or blocked them from her mind.<BR>Do you have any advise, or books that we could look at. We do not have enough money now for getting a councilor, so any help would be nice.<BR>If you would like her email address, I will send it to you, but I must first get her permission. I told her for now, I would try and help her, and find information to help her.<BR>Also, when they go to court, do you mention things like this to the judge.<BR>She has only told me about this situation,,, she is very embarrassed, and ashamed.<BR>This girl is named Mary,,she is from Mexico, her husband... Matt is American. Mary is 29. Mike is also 29.<BR>Also,,I do like her, and after she is fully divorced, I hope to ask her to be my girlfriend. But she is scared that I would do the same thing, or she would cause me to do it.<BR>and I want to give her time to realize she is a very good person.<BR>I read your pages so far, and they are very good, I am also going to get some of your books.<BR>Thank you<BR>jp<P>If any one has any comments to help me, please email me.<BR>Or if you know of any support groups to contact.<BR>Thank you.<BR>

JP,<P>I do think it's normal for men and women to masturbate even if they have a sexual partner. For women, masturbation is a way to explore yourself and what feels good to you. I think looking at nude magazines and internet sites is ok. I enjoy watching adult movies and looking at adult magazines with my husband. I don't feel degraded or ashamed of looking at other people naked or in sexual positions. I understand if your friend is uncomfortable with this, but I don't think it's wrong for her ex to like to masturbate and look at nude women.<P>That said, anything taken to the extreme may be bad. I knew a guy who told me he masturbated 2 or 3 times a day! He must just have a higher sex drive than most men. It didn't hurt me in any way, or him as far as I could tell. So maybe it was ok. I can understand how your friend's ex H's behavior would upset her, but I don't think it's completely abnormal or wrong. As long as his sexual behavior is kept private, especially from his daughter, I think it's ok. <P>Hope she works everything out. Good luck!

jp- i understand the pain your friend is feeling. i too feel unattractive and like a failure in the sex dept since i found out my H has been masturbating for years. but at least he hid it from me!! i would barf if i caught him in the act of self-gratification. anyhow, in the book "your love and marriage" by dr. harley there is a short (too short) chapter on addiction to porography (pg 120). i disagree that this is normal and healthy in a marriage. anything that causes emotional pain and insecurity to a spouse is unhealthy and can lead to the demise of a marriage. maybe she can get counseling, that's what i might do. ps. warning for you: don't be dreaming of someday dating a girl when she is still married to someone else. don't add to this poor girl's confusion of her future. she needs to make decisions on her own. thx.

90% of all men either do it or have done it. The other 10% of the men are lying. However, as with all human activity, modesty and decency are the order of the day. This guy has no class.<P>If the girl you are talking about here mentions "masturbation" or "letters" from a "possible girlfriend" to the judge, it will not do anything productive. Courts do not usually consider these sorts of thing relevant to the financial business at hand in a divorce.<BR>