Asking for some advice right now makes me feel somewhat guilt-ridden, when there are so many US citizens in need of compassion tonight. So sorry for the asking, but...<P>I HAD to email my h regarding money matters that couldn't be decided when I was there, and I found I didn't have enough ready cash to buy a car...anyway he wrote back to that and said two other things...<P>How's life in Australia, write and tell me all the news, and the second one was try to get our son to speak to him on the telephone when he phones on Thursday.<P>So, in my other posts, people have said go slow on any communication with him...let him wait a bit. Yes I know I should, but he actually wanted to hear from me which is a first, so I feel guilty not writing. Give me a boot if you think I shouldn't have an email waiting for him in the morning.<P>The other is my son...I do not want him to be forced to talk to his dad...he was really distressed the time he phoned. I didn't make him do it as I felt it would be more harmful for the son. So what if son does it again...should I comply with h's request, or let him face the consequences of his leaving us, then making us leave the country?<P>Guess I know enough to answer these for myself by now, but I need a size nine boot in the rear sometimes!<P>Any comments welcome.<P>Jacky

Hi Jacky,<BR>I am glad to hear the move took place.<BR>On your questions. <BR>1. If you want to send an email go ahead. But do not ask questions you know will go unaswered. Ask those questions that need to be dealt with as far as your son and money issues that involve the two of you.<BR>2. Please Jacky do not make your son do anything he does not want to. He needs to do it on his own. Your H needs to realize that and he will. It to me would be harmful to force him to do something he does not want to.<BR>Wishing you well and the Americans effected by this terrible tragedy.<BR>Janet

Nina,<P>Hey I don't know enough about plan b to respond to first part of the letter, but on the second part of the letter I think I would have to say something like this to ex. <BR>"I know how much you must miss talking to your son. Like you, I want him to talk to you and have a relationship with his father too. I know you understand I can't force him to come to the phone or make him talk to you, but I will always encourage,in a positive way, commication between you two. I would suggest you write to him often and perhaps this will help."<P>Well hope that helps.<P>Hope it's going well in the land down under.<BR>ANNA<P>PS. you said husband made you leave the country...How did he make you leave the country? I am just curious and haven't read everything you wrote.<P>

Hi Anna,<P>You seem the talkative type, just like me...I've only been here since July and i've made over 800 posts...whoa!! Didn't even know until I checked out of curiosity today.<P>Firstly I am not in full Plan B yet, I haven't sent him the letter. So I can write if I want, i just wanted to know what others think, since some had told me to go slow.<P>Second, I like your idea bout my son...sounds good to me, and true. I would not want to stop communication between them at all, but I don't want to force my son into a situation where he is very uncomfortable. He harbours a lot of ill feeling towards his dad, since dad took the kids out with OW.<P>And third, the circumstances of my h's job mean that I was granted temporary residency on his work visa in South Africa, which expires at the end of the year, when he moves to Mozambique. I would have to have left then, and I didn't see the point of hanging around, so I was going to leave early October...but then he took the kids out with her. They were majorly upset, particularly my son who is 8. I felt that he should not get the opportunity to do that again, and since we were not making any progress anywhere else, I left. it might be unfair of me to say he forced me, but I believe he knew, or OW knew at the very least, that this would make me go. <P>Thanks for replying.<P>Jacky<P>

Will a size 11 1/2 cowboy boot work?<P>1. Keep all contact short sweet and to the point. Talk/write/type about financial matters, obviously. I would probably even think of limiting the talk about the children to a minumum. <P>2. I totally agree with Anna on this one. You need to encourage but not force your son to talk with him. Please make sure that you don't accidentily transfer your feeling about your husband to your children. In my case I really had to foster the continuation of a relationship between my girls and their mother for quite a while. I think this is important because at my girls ages they really don't have the maturity to understand the potential impact of destraying that relationship.<P>As Always - Hugs, Thoughts, & Prayers From Kansas<P> <P>------------------<BR>Love, Bill<P>-There are none so blind as those who refuse to see!-<BR>-Stand up and do the right thing, even if your standing alone.-

Thanks Bill,<P>Guess, size 11 1/2 might do the trick . <P>You know I'm not going to email him...he has to phone the kids tomorrow, and if he wants to have a conversation with me, he can do it then. Of course I will HAVE to talk money to him...but I think I can do that without LB'ing.<P>You know what, one little word can make all the difference to communication....he started his email with "Hi Jack" (Whoa, that sound too much like the news...but he always calls me Jack), instead of the usual (since this began) "Jack". Slightly, and only slightly I admit warmer than usual....but it was nice to see it.<P>What nights are you getting the girls, Bill?<P>Thanks for responding, boots and all!<P>Jacky

Jacky,<P>I only read one of the answers to your post because i didn't want to be swayed by someone elses answer... <P>1) Yes, i think you should e-mail h and tell him how things are... don't get into feelings and don't lb... <P>2) No, i do not think you should force son to speak with his dad, but i do think that the reasoning could be wrong... God said vengence is His and His alone... God will deal wih h if you deal with your son appropriately... in spite of the truth or what the truth appears to be the Word admonishes us "to speak those things forth that are not, as though they were".. "Death and life is in the power of the tongue"... you can encourage your son and reassure him that he is not what his dad is running from... have the "his dad has problems and he is trying to deal with them", kind of talk... i don't beleive that we should add to the barrier they put between themselves and their children... it is not our place to punish or pay back or teach a lesson... that will enventually happen on it's own...<P>i am not saying that is what your true intentions are, but i know that i can be very vindictive at times, and i want my ex to feel the same pain i think he has put on me... so i could be wrong but if i'm not, please consider your motives... <P>yesterday i was bad.. things were crazy... i told you i felt like leaving and i really don't feel too much better today, but the attack on our country yesterday has given me a new way to think... i feel like this is not the end but the beginning of a lot to come... i am thinking it is time to love unconditionally and teach unconditional love... <P>i wish i had not said all the things i said to my ex yesterday... even though i meant them and i really still mean it, i just should have not said it... just think that one of those lives lost could have been one of us, one of our loved ones. in fact it was one of us and one of our loved ones... this has touched us all..<P>i am not trying to be self righteous or anything, i just feel so scared, so hurt, so devastated... and i want everyone that i love, even the ex, to know that i love them... i think i have lb'd my ex right out of my life, but i have to have the heart of the Lord sometimes...<P>at least at this point and time...<P>i love you...<BR>kim...<P>p.s. read your e-mail... <BR>i don't know if i want to post a new post or just write you back...i don't know what i want to do with myself...<BR>i'm just stuck...

Nina,<P>Oh, you are so right, I do talk alot! Especially if i am nervous about something and right now I am very nervous about a few things.<P>Anyway, since you are not fully in plan b and if you still want him back. I would email him, I would be happy, cheerful and let him have a brief up to date on how things are in aussie. Also, I would keep communication open. I think sometimes writing letters can make people close friends and this is a very good thing if you want someone back. I would however try to not talk about the OW or the things he has done to you and just stick to small talk. Then if there comes a time when he wants the relationship to be more than friends again, I would say it is time to talk about all these things and let him know you guys have a lot of work to do before any consideration of taking him back. Just what I would do though, and maybe not at all the right thing.<P>Also, I agree with Bill. Be very careful not to let your anger and disappointment towards your ex show through to your son. Children tend to protect, especially when it comes to their mothers, but this can lead to so much unhealthy anger in the child and be effect them the rest of their lives. I worry so much about this with my children. Once, my son started to become angry at his father and I reminded him that just because mommy and daddy are having trouble does not mean he is a bad daddy because he's a wonderful father. Maybe I go to overboard though. They have no clue why we split up. If they did I think they would absolutely hate their father. It is so hard sometimes not to let them know that their father is a jerk at times, but I do know they love their father and respect him and this is important for them to feel this way. I do worry some day they will blame me for the split but if they ever start resenting me for it then there's a possibility some day I may have to tell them things I never wanted them to know. Of course this would be last resort.<P>Well, I do see why you had to move now. That's sad and sorry to hear that but having family support behind you, I am sure is comforting.<P>Well gonna click off here and do some work. See ya.<BR>Take care.<P>ANNA <P><BR>

Size 9 boot? Oddly enough, I wear a size nine boot...hmmmm. Can't stay long, Jacky, I'm at the library!!!!! I feel like I've got my hand in the cookie jar. XW appears to be elsewhere today! I will check in tomorrow from a more 'relaxed' location! Take care. -Mike

Oh Mike, so good to hear from you....look forward to hearing fromyou tomorrow!<P>Jacky