last week i discovered that my H has been "searching" for x-rated web sites. i asked him about it and wasn't anticipating his reply. he told me that he has been viewing porn on the internet and on video for YEARS. i was shocked! how could this aspect of his life be hidden from me! he is embarrassed and sorry. he says all guys masturbate and i should forgive and forget. but i am heartbroken and feel betrayed. i think he is addicted to porn and masturbation, but what should i do? i can't force him to go to marriage counseling to "cure" him. he will resent me. but i can't bear to think of him looking at pictures for the rest of my life while our sex life deteriorates. <BR> please help, have you dealt with this?? i can't talk to my friends/family. you are the first to hear my dilemma...

Laura,<P>I think your husband hid his porn & masturbation from you because he was afraid of your response. You said you thought this revelation could ruin your sex life, but if you've had a healthy, satisfying sex life in the past I don't see why that would change all of the sudden. I'm confused as to why you think he's addicted to porn. I don't think looking at porn & masterbating ocassionally constitutes addiction. I don't think porn or masterbation is wrong or bad. I think it's healthy. <P>I do think you should discuss your feelings with your husband. It's important to communicate how your discovery makes you feel and how it affects you. <P>Take care.

Dear Laura-<BR>My husband is also addicted to pornography. I couldn't tell you if he regularly masturbates or not. I know he is addicted because first of all he admitted he was. He has tried to stop and can't. Like an alcoholic, he hides it, lies about it, and is ashamed and also goes on binges.<P>The binges do seem to go along with stressful times so it is hard to tell if the porn is the reason for the detiorating romance in the bedroom. He tells me that he gets "ideas" for me from the movies.<P>I have had two children since we were married and have carried some of the weight up until today. I am 40 lbs. heavier than when we married, but only 20 lbs heavier than when we met.<P>We have tried counseling, but did not have much success. The reason was lack of cash ($45. a pop!) and we went to a counselor who did not specialize in marriage/sexual areas.<P>It's hard to disassociate the porn from your relationship. Especially if your husband is viewing it online or on the tv after you have asked him to come to bed. I have always felt it directly affects me. For me, it is also a self-image problem. Now, I'm not saying that I want to look like the people in the magazines, I just want to feel like my husband looks at me like I'm a million bucks!<P>As to Myrna, we have discussed it. MANY times. Each time I catch him with it we talk about it. He can't seem to get enough.<P>Laura, I doubt this will help, but I felt a little better knowing that I was not the only one going through this!<P>

Speaking from a male perspective, I would like you to consider what the frequency of intimacy is, and what the alternative is. My wife is a wonderful person but has just never had a great interest in sex. I was foolish enough to believe that it was always going to get better after we got married. She's happy with about twice a month (she'll tell you it's more often, but I've kept track). I'm not an every night kind of guy, but 2 to 3 times a week would be heaven for me. I don't seek it out, or even subscribe to any "adult" publications, but I just get too aroused to be able to wait until the next time I can pursuade her to make love. So I ask you, which alternative is preferable - forcing my desires on her, seeking sexual relations outside of my marriage, or quietly relieving myself in private? We've had many discussions over the years and I've done everything I can to make it pleasurable for her, but sex is just not something she has much interest in. Other than that she's a wonderful wife and mother so I try and look at all the good things and not dwell on the one that is the least satisfying. We've talked about each other's needs, and she knows its importance to me but when it's a chore for her it lacks fulfillment for me. So I don't know what the frequency of intimacy is for you, but would just ask the question - If your husband wanted to make love to you how would you respond? If he prefers porno over intimacy with his wife, he's got a real problem. But if this is an outlet for what he can't fullfill in his relationship then it may be a blessing compared to the alternative. Just my thoughts

I understand you comments Hosea, but, I do have a problem with your reasoning. Are you saying that if you didn't have the explicit material to "fall back on" to please yourself that you would go outside your marriage? On most occasions, if my husband wanted to make love to me every night, I'd be happy and would welcome the opportunity. Unfortunately, with two small children, the opportunity rarely presents itself. My husband works unusual hours, anywhere from 60-90 hours a week and sometimes, sleep is a lot more important. I am not trying to say that sexual intimacy is not important, but sometimes other things either don't allow the time or are more important.<P>Our sex life has diminished somewhat due to the kids and our schedules, but we do enjoy each others company.<P>I do believe that my husband is addicted. He searches for stuff on the net and keeps magazines in his truck at work. I don't agree with porn but, if he was willing to share it with me, instead of by himself, perhaps it would be different. I don't get that much arousal from the porn, so it does not mean that much to me. <P>It does, however, bother me because I feel that he sometimes prefers the material over me. We have also had numerous discussions on this subject, but he just tries to hide it even more. I don't trust him with this subject, so I am usually suspicious. I trust him not to have an affair, but I should not have to accept this just because if I didn't he would go to someone else!

Laura,<P>Like many above have said, this may just be an outlet for him, but be careful! My husband went from checking out the porn like your husband; to jumping into bed with a woman he met on the internet! I caught him, and he too is terribly ashamed! He admits he has a problem, however, I may have been partly to blame because with the busy life we have I may have neglected him (no excuse for what he did however!).<P>I'm not saying that your H will follow the same route, but when I initially voiced my concerns about his amount of internet use, he lauged at my concerns, now he can see why I felt that it was better not to be tempted at all!

Ok all here is my point of view. I just read that 78% of men masturbate at least 3 times a week. Well I think if there are women out there like me who would give anything to have sex 3 to 5 times a week. Right now I don't get any. I haven't for along time because I cannot force feelings for my spouse that are just not there. So me being a healthy sexually desired female yes I have to masturtabe right now. I don't get into porn never have. But I can get aroused reading romance novels etc. But then again when you go without the real stuff as long as I have the arousal part does not take long. I cannot and don't understand these women that say they just have no interest in sex. Gosh what I would give to be in love again and just get it whenever I wanted it. I would be in seventh heaven. But I cannot remember the last time I was pleased so to speak by spouse. Its me but then we have never had a good sex life. When I think back it was always the same way same time etc and never anything new. Now I would give anything to get some passion in my life. My spouse has never been romantic and he does not and seemed like it was just a test for him so I quit trying. I tryed giving him hints showing him things myself but nothing. So I am not in love with him anymore and its more then that goes way back. But I think in all marriages no matter how busy ones lifes are you need to fit that in. If you don't now then a few years down the road you look back and will be bitter thinking that its gone like alot of other things between you. So women yes masturbate and have needs to although I don't go to porn for mine. Or dirty magazines or porn movies there are other ways that are not as tasteless to me. Well there is a womans point in this matter. But I do agree if they have a spouse who is willing when they want to why turn to porn unless its an addiction.

Becky,<BR>Please don't misunderstand me. I could never condone any activity outside of my marriage. Period... And, I don't need or keep "adult" material for that purpose. Just the memories (OK, and a few fantasies as well :-) about my wife and the intimate moments we've shared are more than enough if I need "self-fulfillment". I'm not condoning porn, and certainly not advocating that desiring that over relations with you wife is normal!<BR>I've just always felt that "self-fullfillment" (which isn't really fulfilling at all - it just eases the tension and reduces the hormones) was MUCH perferable to seeking sexual fulfillment elsewhere. I know too many "macho" types who only consider the latter when their needs aren't met at home.

Ok. I don't have a problem with the masturbation thing. And of course I would prefer that my husband did that over something outside our marriage. I'm tring to say that sometimes the porn becomes so addictive, or time consuming, or so much of a habit, that it is hard to get rid of.<P>We had come to a compromise - he keeps the stuff at work and not bring any of it home. This worked for a while, but occasionally, I catch hime with it at home.<P>Anyway, if anyone can give a suggestion as to how to get this issue resolved please post your reply.<P>Also, just my opinion, if "all guys" look at naked pictures, what does that say about jow women look at themselves? Just because you are a guy and your neighbor looks at it, doesn't mean you have to also!<BR>

Wonder,<BR>I'm not sure I agree with the survey you reference, but I can't help wondering if your husband satisfied with your sex life. If not , is it that he doesn't know the romantic things that would generate your desire for him? Your situation sounds a lot like mine, except that my wife is in withdrawl and wants to seperate. I know I haven't been as affectionate as I should have been (as well as not meeting her other needs and then complicating it with my "love busters") but having read Dr. Harleys books I would cherish the opportunity to get a second chance and show my wife the romantic side of me. My feelings haven't changed (but they're no longer clouded with the resentment I felt) and I've finally learned how to express them. I would give anything to have my wife want to be intimate with me 3 to 5 times a week! <BR>When you say you "can't force feelings for my spouse that just aren't there" it sounds so much like my wife. I guess what I'm asking is that if your spouse did open up and diplay the romantic affection that's been bottled up inside, do you think your feelings would change? Or has it been this way for so long that you've become numb to any emotional attachment to this person? I know each case is different, but I'm desperately trying to determine if there's any hope for my marriage if I can bring my wife out of withdrawl. But at this point she's ended the relationship mentally and wants no part of the affection I have to offer. So now that I've finally learned how to do the romantic things she desires (and sincerely want to do them), she doesn't want to be with me, let along be intimate. I feel like it's a case of finally getting rid of the dog just when you get him housebroken. Can a man reiginite his wife's desire for him, or is this just a case of "too little and too late"?<P>------------------<BR>Prayer doesn't change things for you - it changes you for things.<BR>

Stardust..........<P> I tryed to hint at things I would like over a year ago. It did not help. Like you said in my case I am just numb and nothing I don't think he can do would turn me on anymore. I am not attracted to him physically at all. Don't get me wrong since he quit drinking hes a good person. I don't know about your situation if its to little to late for you or not. At least your willing to try. When mine told me he felt like he was being tested or graded after therepiast talked to us and him about whoooo me again I said thats it. Last 2 times I have tryed to have sex with him all I got was disappointed. Don't want to get to detailed but it was him something happens and he quits so i just gave up. I tryed a couple times to go along with it closing my eyes its harder then hell though. Thats the two times I got let down. I would love to have it everyday or at least every other but right now thats not possible so I go to what works to get my needs meet. I think you get my drift there. And no its not the same I miss the closeness and the kissing and everything that goes along with it. But I guess for now thats all I have. I think more women masturbate then admit. I don't think its anything to be ashamed of. How else you learn what you like if you don't experiment. But would rather have someone experiment with me. It sucks being so numb. I have thought about seperating too and in time that just might happen. But first I need to get somethings taken care of. Its not fair and I hate my life right now more then you eould ever imagine. Take care all.

Regardless of what everyone else has said, if you sex life is deteriorating and your husband is into porno and masterbating something is definitely wrong. My advice would be to confront him with the issue and tell him that it is detrimental to the marriage. If he values your marriage and knows that he is addicted he should seek professional help. You said that you were christian . There are many christian councelors who specialize in this field. There are also several online addiction web sites that he may find helpful:<BR>http://www.slaafws.org<BR>http://www.christians-in-recovery.org<BR>Before he can be helped though, he must realize that he has a problem and want to seek help. You have to help him see his problem or addiction. I'm sure he doesn't believe that porno and masterbation instead of love and sexual intimacy is normal in a marriage. He may not even realize how serious it is, but it could destroy your marriage if he doesn't get help. Help him get help.

I have discussed this topic at length on many forums. I am facing the same sort of situation with my husband. I personally have no problem with his viewing pics, videos, or magazines, my problem is with the frequency. We have sex at least six to seven times a week and have at that pace for the last 25 years. I know he always looked at Playboy and enjoyed the movies on cable and never had a problem with it. But since the internet, he is on at least one time a day for a session that can last anywhere from one to three hours. He only views the pics and I am sure is not involved in any chatting. I have a problem with the fact that he has made disks and has at the minimum a hundred and makes folders of pics and then views them through pic viewers with slideshows. Again I can understand the enjoyment, as I also visit sites with men and do the same, but not to the extent that he does. With him I think it has become obsessive. We have argued about it but not resolved it. It is definitely putting a strain on the relationship.

I found out my H was looking at a lot of porn on the internet. At first i thought that there must be something wrong with me, it had to be my fault that he was looking at this stuff. I realized that his looking is better than him having an affair. I asked him if we could look at it together and we do this now. Now when he's looking I join him and we look and laugh and comment on the people in the pics, in a little while we are having great sex together. We both look on our own and can hardly wait for the other to come home so we can show what we found today. His sharing this with me has actually improved our sex life and has helped me to better understand what hi likes in bed.

Before you all assume that he is or is not an addict...I think more information would be necessary....My h is addicted to porn, cyber and phone sex, etc.... How often is the masterbating?? Some men...and there are many more out there than most realize...masterbate up to like 10 times A DAY!!!<P>

Lady......<P> Gee if your husband addicted to all that what or how do you handle it? I think that would be really hard. But sometimes when men do this could see where you sex life would improve. But not being addicted to porn,cyber, and phone sex. Did he admit this to you or did you catch him? I think your right on the masturbation that men do. But never heard of them doing up to 10 times a day. Where would that leave there sex life for real I wonder? But I also think more women masturbate more then people think too. I don't think as many women do as men but think there are more out there then we know of or admit too. I guess I don't think the masturbation is wrong its our own bodies. We have needs and fanatzing can be fun and adventerous. But I know some say its really wrong. But hey it is safe sex. Well had to add on there sorry went on all. Take care.

I agree with Wonder. If you husband is masterbating and is addicted, where does that leave you? Is he seeking help for it? Does he think he has a problem. I would be outraged and hurt if I ever found out that my husband was into cyber/phone sex. I suppose if you look at your situation, mine doesn't seem so bad. <P>I also have to wonder, does your husband go outside your marriage to fulfill his "fantasies"? If he is willing to have "relationships" over the internet and on the phone, who is to say that he is not personally physical with another?<P>Good luck

I would recommend www.onlinesexaddict.com. It is an excellent source of information and support for addicts and their partners.