Okay, another vent, but also help needed.<P>As most of you know, I lived in SA as an expat accompanying H for work. Short story is he left, then took the kids out for the day with OW, which naturally I didn't like, since i nevere even knew for sure there was a relationship, then I left the country. I left sooner than I wanted to because of that day, but I would have had to go anyway in December, as he is leaving for another country then, and we were only on his work visa. We have three kids, they're with me.<P>I am currently staying at my parent's house. I have limited money, because of air tickets draining our bank account until the company pays him back. We had agreed before I left that we would sell shares to get me on my feet, but of course the stock market has crashed. So now we can't sell shares, and I don't have enough money to buy a car, so I can take kids to school, I can't go looking for work, and I am basically totally dependant on my folks.<P>To make matters worse, it has only been six days...and I can tell they're getting sick of us already. The kids woke mum too early today, she was not amused. One of them smashed an egg on the carpet, and because the kids are helping themselves to food all the time, they put a lock on the pantry. Don't get me wrong, I was annoyed at all this too, but they're kids!!!<P>Anyway, I would LOVE to move out already, but the fact is I just can't, so I have been really down all day.<P>Then my h phoned, and I guess I speckled the conversation with LB's. We discussed the money situation and stuff, and I got angry at the stupidity of all this so I told him why doesn't he just come home where he belongs...I told him I had NOTHING, I told him that I feel pressured by his dad who manages our money at the moment, because FIL told me not to withdraw anything until he spoke to H. <P>I told him I didn't want to be here, and guess what he said "You're the one who left me." in an indignant tone....excuse me???? Well the red bull to a rag. I managed to keep most of the instant hate I felt for him out of my voice when I told him that I left because of his allowing the kids contact with OW, and also that he left me in the first place, remember? AND that I would have to leave in December at the latest anyway, and since I had no guarantees that he was coming back, I didn't see the sense in staying. What a bloody cheek! I was forced into this.<P>Then I did what I never wanted to do...I asked him what his intentions were regarding our marriage...he said he didn't know. Well, I told him that I said the door was open, but the longer this goes on....well I didn't think I could wait forever. He accepted that. But he also had to know I'm not totally stupid here.<P>So lots of problems. I want to give him a wake up call by becoming independant, but my hands are tied. I am even in more limbo than I was there. It's an impossible situation.<P>Anyway, I won't be calling him or contacting him, and I just don't trust myself to be not LB'ing next time I have to talk to him, because he has ruined my entire life. I have NO power...I am not in control of anything.<P>What a crock.<P>What do you guys think of this?

Your situation is temporary, you will pull yourself up and be fine, I think you will be independent and nothing is impossible for you. Everything you are experiencing is just a set back, it is all up hill from here. You have more power than you think and you do have control of yourself. So lift your head high and start to make a plan of how you are going to get out of this mess on your own you can do it girl. I am rooting for you.<P>

Jabber,<P>I love that I can depend on you to answer my posts first!<P>Thanks for the encouragement, but I just don't FEEL confident about my future. I feel very trapped (ha! A word HE used before he left).<P>His folks are coming here on Saturday to talk about the finances, as his dad has been power of attorney while we were OS. I am nervous about this, as I know what h told me, (we would be well provided for) but I don't know what he told his dad. Also through the day I will be made to face two of his three sisters, as well. I don't know why, but I feel ashamed about my situation. It's so unfair, he was the one who walked out.<P>Do I sound depressed yet? I thought so. Anti-d's just aren't doing their job.<P>Thanks, <P>Jacky

time to see a lawyer. . . . . .<P>time to see a lawyer. . . . . .<P>time to see a lawyer. . . . . .<P>time to see a lawyer. . . . . .<P>time to see a lawyer. . . . . .<P>time to see a lawyer. . . . . .<P>time to see a lawyer. . . . . .<P>time to see a lawyer. . . . . .<P>time to see a lawyer. . . . . .<P>time to see a lawyer. . . . . .<P>time to see a lawyer. . . . . .<P>time to see a lawyer. . . . . .<P>time to see a lawyer. . . . . .<P>time to see a lawyer. . . . . .<P>time to see a lawyer. . . . . .<P>

AAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!! ;( <P> <P>WIFTTy,<P>First of all I have a new email address which I will send to you, if you want to really rip me to shreds privately....I mean it, i might just need it!!!<P>I don't have MONEY to see a lawyer! Here, you pay as you go, not if you win. And you know what, I am absolutely petrified to do anything. And how does one reconcile with seeing a lawyer with trying to Plan A, for at least a couple of weeks? My mind is a MESS! I can't think! <P>AAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

nina you may not have money for ;egal advice but you have your brain and can read. Become an expert on the legalities as they affect you. Maybe web sites for women, maybe go to a womens support group/shelter and ask questions. Talk to other women who have been divorced, and go to a law library and simply read all the legal stuff you can. Also try to write down the pertinent stuff, like key support papers you would have to file, also figure out what is abandonment, you are not on charity. You came home with your H ok, to your home of record, and he must be obligated to support you. Meaning rent, transportation, etc. Do not let your in-laws call the shots if they try, be firm and assertive. This also has the effect of making you look more desireable to H, as opposed to a helpless wimp who only knew how to run away. And if you can, even a small job a few hours a week of your own money would help your self-esteem. Good luck, justremember knowledge is power.

Nina,<P>WOW!WOW!WOW! I am so sorry you are going through this. It sounds to me like there are way too many people controlling your life. I was thinking the same thing that WIFTT was thinking. It is time to see a lawyer. Although I do think I would listen to what the FIL has to say, if I disagreed I would point out reasons why I disagree in a calm way. In a calm way but a "I know what is best for me and my childre way" I would say "this is not acceptable" to anything I disagreed with. If I didn't like the answers I got in the end. I would try to compromise by getting as much temporary money as I could and leave without giving any indication of what I will do next. Then I would head for a very good attorney. <P>I know you are in plan A and I don't know what Dr. Harley would say regarding contacting a lawyer while still in plan A, but you are in danger of being left with no money to take care of your family. Also, consulting an attorney doesn't mean filing for a divorce. An attorney can be retained just to make sure you are taken care of finacially through all this. It also takes the pressure off you dealing with inlaws and husbands regarding this matter. I know you say you don't have the money, but I'd find whatever means I could to get that money. Can you risk him changing his mind and not taking care of you? He says you will be well taken care of but situations change and he could change his mind.<P>One more thing I would do. You may want to consider emailing your husband concerning the feelings of being left without any money and ask him to please help you feel better about this and email me back to reaffirm his commitment of making sure you and the children are well taken care of. When he does, you will have something in writing from him. This may help you things get as far as court.<P>Well Nina, my heart goes out to you today. Right now you have husband controlling you, you have father in law controlling your finances and you have your parents controlling the food and lodging for you and your children. I don't mean to make it sound worse than it is and you can't change this today or probably not tomorrow, but you may want think of a plan for you to take your life back. Possibly even give yourself a date of when you want to have control of your own finances, your own place and your own pantry. Wow, the children must feel so bad that their grandparents but a lock on the pantry...<P>((((((a huge huge Nina))))) things will get better!<P>ANNA<P>

Thanks SAL and Anna,<P>SAL, that's a good idea you have, I will do as much reading as I can. But no, I didn't come home with my ex; he's still in South Africa. I have no home of record, and he had already left me for nine weeks before I left the country. So it is a bit complicated. My parents have been telling me to get government payouts, too, which might be a bit difficult, since he is currently not paying tax in Australia.<P>Still you are right, I need to find out my rights. Thanks again.<P>Anna,<P>I KNOW I am being controlled by too many people....I have gone from just having one person to five in a matter of a week. And I do need to do something about this, I just don't know what. First thing I'm going to do is try to get my FIL to relinquish Power of Attorney, so I can have the same freedom to our funds that I did in South Africa. I suppose I'll need H's agreement on that, though, and I don't think it will be easy to get, since FIL has done such a good job in managing our finances for two years now.<P>And yes, my kids are somewhat confused. I just keep telling them this is not our house....AAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!<P><BR>I also like your idea of the letter. I'm going to do it<BR> tomorrow, unless anyone can think of a good reason why not???<P>Well so far I have some ideas to get me moving, that's great...you know I hadn't thought a lot of the financial implications of this before you all pointed it out to me...just feeling so bad about my situation, that I can't think straight.<P>I am SO mad this has happened.<BR>

Wow! What a mess but you can survive this.<P>Do lawyers there not do initial consultations at no charge?<P>If so, talk to a few. <P>When my x filed for a divorce, I saw a lawyer and fought the man in order to try to save my marriage. The attorney was very helpful in arranging support while we fought. <P>Can one not retract a power of attorney by completing the paperwork to do so? If you and h filed separate documents, I would think you could cancel yours.

Nina,<P>Maybe because I went back and read some of the things you wrote, I feel like I've known you forever. I want you to know you are strong and you will get what you need for your family! I am planning to pray for you every free moment I get today.<P>Love,<P>ANNA<P>

Cinderella,<P>Thanks for replying...I have looked at the saga and I enjoy it a lot. Long a go I thought of joining in, but then things started getting hairy for me...so one day maybe a surprise character will appear!<P>Thanks for your advice. Having never had to deal with attorneys, I don't know any real standard procedures, except that they do not offer free service until you win, like they sometimes do in the US. Guess I'm going to find out real soon. As for the POA, I think we signed the same form, but I can't be sure, because it was over two years agao, and I can't clearly remember.<P>Anna,<P>If anything good has come from this horrible situation we are all in, it is realising that there are some really nice people out there who care. Thank you! And thanks for the prayers. I hope my family will be practical, even my h said that today...what I really wanted him to say was "What??? They're treating you unfairly? Stay, fair maiden, and I will ride up on my white charger and rescue you from this predicament." (And I actually have stupid fantasies about him coming to my mum's door begging forgiveness.) Yeah, FAT chance!!!<P>Guess I gotta do the hard stuff now. I am SOOOOOO miserable.

hey, <P>what time is it.. i haven't read yet... i just wanted to know what is our time difference...

You are more confident that you think nina, you are strong and you are surving fine. You just need a big (((((((((((((hug nina))))))))))))))))), I rise early and like to check this board it has help so much, it has taught me that my situation is just normal LOL, sure doesn't feel normal'<BR> Face his family with your head up, you have nothing to be ashamed of, you have been working hard and doing the very best anyone can do, I wish I had your fortitude to hang in the way you do.<BR> Yes he walked out and this is what he wants, you did not deserve this, as any human being you deserve to be treated with nothing but dignity and respect. He doesn't respect you Nina and I am sorry for that. <BR> It is only normal to be depressed especially in a situation you do not want or have control over. But you do have control over yourself and I say again pull yourself up create a better life for you and kids and be happy. You can do this Nina I am praying for you and the kids.<P><B>Jabber,<P>I love that I can depend on you to answer my posts first!<P>Thanks for the encouragement, but I just don't FEEL confident about my future. I feel very trapped (ha! A word HE used before he left).<P>His folks are coming here on Saturday to talk about the finances, as his dad has been power of attorney while we were OS. I am nervous about this, as I know what h told me, (we would be well provided for) but I don't know what he told his dad. Also through the day I will be made to face two of his three sisters, as well. I don't know why, but I feel ashamed about my situation. It's so unfair, he was the one who walked out.<P>Do I sound depressed yet? I thought so. Anti-d's just aren't doing their job.<P>Thanks, <P>Jacky</B>[/QUOTE]<P>

WHY am I nearly always the thirteenth to post? Do you all wait for someone else to do it, or is it just co-incidence? <P>I thought i would give you an update on today. I had a talk with my mum and dad about things, and Dad has a lot of useful people to talk to. He has a financial advisor who will help me when I need that, I have the phone number of an attorney (solicitor, we call them) who I will phone on Monday, and i opened my own bank account. I then wrote to H asking him a few details about money, so I can discuss this with his dad tomorrow. And I told him about the new account and asked him to send money to that. I am awaiting his reply...it's still early in his day as I write. So anyway at least I will hopefully have what he says about it in writing, and there won't be any arguments tomorrow. Cos I don't want his dad saying he has to check with H all the time!!!<P>Anyway the bank account gives me more independence, but I feel it is also a step away from my H. I think he will interpret it as this as well, so I wonder what he will do. The more I'm away, the more I think he will divorce me. It's a case of out of sight out of mind for him.<P>He hasn't moved back into our home over there yet, because in his own words he doesn't want to face that yet. See? Conflict avoider. He knows darn well going back there will MAKE him think about things, and he just doesn't want to. Oh OH! Just realised he may NOT write back because he won't want to deal with this...remember how he stalled me over the tickets?<P> I am SICK of this!

If you are an Australian citizen, can you not apply to the DSS? If you are 'seperated' from your husband, they should give you financial help if you fall within their guidelines. I'd give them a call, it won't hurt to ask if you are eligible. At least you know for sure if this is an option available to you.<P>God bless<P>SAU

Thanks SAU,<P>Yes I forgot to mention that was another thing I am going to do. I just found out that if I apply for assistance, they will automatically submit to him to pay child support....ew! Once again sounds like a step too close to divorce to me...but I have to investigate this.<P>It's hard to think of everything I have to do when I'm in kind of a fog myself, but I think I'm starting to get there.

He works? He earns money? He ought to support his children? If he does not volunteer to meet what could be perceived as his moral obligation to his children, shouldn't someone ask him to?

Well, as said before he is willing, at least he said so before he left...but now as you may have read, I need him to email me about some details. In SA it is now the end of their working day, and he still hasn't done so. I sms'd him to ask him to check his emails...nothing from 2 hours ago. Avoidance? You bet. So now I am angry enough not to care if anyone serves him anything, except that the current agreement seems more than I am entitled to by law.<P>See? I knew what he would do...now I am starting to wonder if he has been to a lawyer who maybe advised him not to put ANYTHING in writing to me.<P>Worst of this is I won't hear from him now until Monday, when he BETTER call, cos it's our youngest's birthday.

Nina,<P>First, count to 10 with me slowly. Ready...<BR>1 <BR>2 <BR>3<BR>4<BR>5<BR>6<BR>7<BR>8<BR>9<BR>10<BR>ok now...<BR>Breath in, breath out! Whewww much better.<P>hehe<P>There could be so many reasons why he didn't respond yet. Maybe he was sick, took the day off, had meetings, is thinking over things because he is upset because realty set in and he realises he could be losing his family...tons of other reasons. <P>Be sure to post when he does email back and if he doesn't, please, please wait to react until you know why. <P>Also, tomorrow. Don't keep me in suspense after you meet with your father in law be sure to come on and let us know how it went. Tomorrow I know you will be nervous, as so would I, but look at how far you have come. You are really looking out for you and your family and you have started a plan if FIL is unreasonable. Once when I had to go to court and face a lawyer's questions, right before I went in I went to the restroom and prayed to God to give me the strength and courage I needed, to be by my side as I testify, and to also help me to say the right things in the right way to help them understand. This really, really helped me, I walked out with more of a calmness, feeling that God was with me through the process. Think positive and know in the end you have the upper hand here not them. My thoughts and prayers will be with you tomorrow. I have a good feeling about this. I think you will get the things you need for your family.<P>Love,<BR>ANNA<BR>

Thanks Anna,<P>Well I am pretty sure that in five minutes, it will be too late to expect a response from him. I HAVE been sitting here thinking I will phone the SOB when I know work has finished, or leave a nasty email, or SOMETHING. But in my heart I know that it makes no difference to how he feels...it's how I react to his reactions that MIGHT make a difference. He knows DAMNED well this was important to me and he avoided doing anything about it...and yes there could be many reasons, which will probably drive me mad in the next couple of days. And I thank you for advising me not to do anything. You are right, he may not even be in his office, he may in fact even be in another country...<P>So, now I have to deal with this by myself, guess he's waiting to see what I will do. Well, I will play it cool, I will tell his folks I tried to contact H about this but I received no reply. I will then tell my FIL to do what he was going to do, put a substantial amount of money in the savings account for me, that should be going to trust funds and shares...but I'll tell him to put it in my account, and if he doesn't like that I will tell him he needs to talk to my H. And if FIL makes trouble for me, I will fight to get Power of Attormney relinquished, and I will tell him that if I have to. I anm sick of having my life controlled.<P>I must admit, my parents were more helpful today than I thought they would be...and they are deliberately going out when his folks are here...in their words they don't want to interfere, but also if they think I'm being treated unfairly, they would step in and really blow it. So they're getting out of it, which I think is great....tthey trust me to handle it.<P>I came to an understanding about their reactions today by looking at my own kids. If EVER someone hurts my kids, I would want to KILL them...so I know where they are coming from.<P>Thanks again!<P>