Hey guys -<P>Thanks to the others who responded to my earlier post.<P>I have a question to throw out - The STBXH spoke with me yesterday (never called the day of the towers episode because he didn't want me to ask where he was! No concern for the daughter or the fact that my job sometimes takes me to the city!)<P>Okay, anyway, he said he wants the divorce - absolutely - 100%. Has fairly offered up most of the assets and says that he just wants this to be FRIENDLY - he wants us to be FRIENDS!<P>After months and years of lying, he was caught Tuesday when he didn't call. Said he went to the beach, but actually went to PA to see the girlfiend! (Oh, excuse me - he says they are JUST FRIENDS too!) Okay, so knowing this, I agreed that I could give him the divorce, and we could be FRIENDS, but that he would have to stop all contact with the OW. THEY could no longer be friends and that I could accept his friendship only if she were no longer in the picture.<P>He said, "I'll have to think about it, and talk to my counselor about it. I'm offering you unconditional friendship and you're putting limits on it." I pointed out that I had offered an unconditional marriage and love and asked that he tell me when there was a problem so that we could work it out - but for more than 2 years, he didn't!<P>Anyway, am I being unreasonable? I think I may have confused plan B here when there is obviously no marriage to be saved. <P>He's coming over tonight - any advise is appreciated!

I think I'm missing something...do you want the divorce or not?

Arrested,<P>I don't know about unreasonable. If you are going to divorce him, doesn't that leave him free to have any relationship he chooses. What happens if you two get the divorce and he goes back to OW? What can you do to stop it?<P>The idea of a friendly divorce is an oxymoron. To try to make his relationship with OW a condition of friendship is an idea that at first blush doesn't seem to hold a whole lot of promise. If anything, it serves to drive him deeper into her arms.<P>The divorce isn't the end of the marriage, it is merely the funeral ceremony. My ex and I have been divorced for nearly seventeen years, and yes, we have a friendly relationship today. But it didn't happen all at once. It took time, probably two years before things settled down.<P>Prayers and stuff,<P>Bumper

What is a friend to you?<P>To me, a friend is someone who I can share my best and worst life moments with. It's someone who share similar interests and goals with me. But most importantly, to me atleast, it's someone who shares similar beliefs and moral character as myself (i.e. I'm not friends with drug dealers, child beaters, or adulterers).<P>I'd also like to add that "friends" don't put limitations on a friendship, as you've suggested, but they also don't hurt each other, as he has done.<P>I always thought that Lisa and I could be friends afterwords and that's what she always wanted, but know that we're all done and I look at what she has become, I've decided that she is someone who I can't and don't want to be friends with. <P>Bottom line is that it's you're decision, choose your friends wisely and guard your heart.<P><BR>Hugs, Thoughts, & Prayers from Kansas<P>------------------<BR>Love, Bill<P>-There are none so blind as those who refuse to see!-<BR>-Stand up and do the right thing, even if your standing alone.-

Thanks for your commets:<P>I think maybe I overstepped my boundaries here. If a reconcillation were possible, then I guess I'd have a right to ask him to cease all contact with her. Since that's not the case, I really don't.<P>I just look at it as "it's not fair" - he cheated, ruined our marriage, refused to work on it and is now drawing on my kindness to be "friendly" with him while he continues to be friends with the ow. - I just don't get it - perhaps I never will.<P>Do I want to be friends? Well, let me say that it's hard to throw someone out of your life whose been there for the last 11 - of which we shared the loss of my father, my mother's move, the loss of his grandmother and the birth of our child. I know his reactions and responses as well as my own. My family and friends all loved him. He was charming and endearing to everyone - and deceptive just the same. So, it's hard to say - get out, go away, I never want to see you.<P>Again, the fainess issues races thru my mind. If I turn my back on him for all but legal matters, it creates tension for my 4 year old. If I cave, I sell myself out and allow the dual "friendship" status to continue, while he sits there like a king - having "won" on both sides.<P>What else can possibly happen?<BR>

Being friends with an ex seems pretty hard to me. don't friends share their deepest and most intimate feelings and thoughts... i told my stbx that i could never be his freind because the aforementioned is how i view freindship and i could never feel safe telling and/or sharing those things with him...<P>i can however respect him and continue to love him for who he is. i want him back and i don't believe that will change for quite some time. i want us to get along and discontinue the bitter verbage we continue to thoughtlessly toss at each other, but his freind... that is hard to swallow... i mean even if i could tell him any and everything, would i want to hear it??? HUM