Hi everyone -<P>I'm feeling down. I've been doing really good, but this week hit a bump in the road. I've been playing it cool with my husband and it was going well. I was being very friendly not making Love Busters, etc. He even mistakenly thought I was out with another man and for the first time since we separated seemed jealous. He showed up late the next night and asked to spend the night. Nothing happened but it could have if I'd let it and I almost did if for nothing else than to spite the OW (I think they're having problems). <P>Anyway, I let my guard down and started asking if he really felt divorce was the solution. Now because of it he seems to think that he's got me where he wants me again and is totally blowing me and the idea of saving our marriage and family off. We have four beautiful children and although I think it will take a lot of hard work I think our marriage could be saved. <P>My question is, how do I consistently Plan A it when he hurts me so and I get upset?<P>Also, I could really benefit from some Plan A success stories. Maybe I'm doing something wrong. It's so hard to be patient. He's been involved with the OW for almost a year now and it's been almost two months since he went public with the affair. True to Dr. Harley's time guidelines I think they're having problems. How do I get through to him?<P>I'd appreciate any and all input.<P>K

Just keep plan A going and take care of yourself, you must let the affair die a natural death.<P>

Stillreeling,<P>Sorry he hurt you again...<P>How about trying to not mention the divorce..and try to just<BR>be his friend..just as if he were any other friend..I know that will be difficult with you having kids together, and all..but see if you can try..<P>If he and OW are having problems, then be there for him to talk to when he wants, don't ask questions about their relationship (I know this will be difficult because you want answers) but, that will be an LB and push him away..<P>It sounds like he really wants to know that he has a friend..not a wife, not a lover, but a friend..and a spouse is supposed to be your bestfriend..and I know that hearing about his relationship with OW will hurt you very much..and will break your heart..over and over again..but just be willing to listen and not be judgemental..listen to his hurts..really listen to what he says..especially if they are having trouble..because you can learn so much about HIM and what his needs are..if you just listen..(and if he shares..his hurts and pains..this will bring an emotional closeness between the two of you) You say that he's moved out..so this will be easier than if he were still living there..continue to plan b, and and don't be available ALL the time at the drop of a hat for him if he wants to come over..make sure there are times you have plans..to go out and do things for you..(work on You) if he call's one day and wants to come over right then to talk..and I know that you want every opportunity to do just that...but tell him NO..tell him that it's not a good time for you because you and the kids have plans..(even if you go get an ice cream)..but if he'd like to get together on such and such a day and pick a date and time..tell that would be better for you..and make the date..<P>this puts you more in control of your own emotions..and it forces him to be alone to face whatever it is he needs to face at that moment..(if he chooses to face them and not run to out and get drunk) <P>this also lets him know that you are not always going to be available for him..at his beck and call..and also helps the WS see just what it is they are missing...family wise..<P>If you need help with something..that you know he can do..call him and ask for his help, and don't get upset if he can't come over right then..(unless it's an emergency situation) and even ask could you come over tomorrow or this weekend and help me w/ such and such..this shows them that they are needed..and when the task is done..thank him..(I know sometimes we don't think we should tell them thank you for doing something they should be helping w/ anyway..but it will do wonders..in the appreciation department..)you could even at that time invite him to stay for dinner, and after dinner, let him go home to wherever his home is..and try not to be hurt..when he leaves..love him enough to let him go..and thank him again for his help and if you had fun that night w/ dinner and all let him know..tell him that you are glad he stayed for dinner, and that it was fun..and say maybe we can do it again sometime..and let him leave..<P>The WS should see that they really miss family things..and OW will begin to look worse..<P>And if they want the sexual relationship..you can do 1 of two things.. <P>1. go ahead and have sex with them..because you really want too..or <P>2. tell him, that yes, you would really like to make love to him right now, but you feel that while things are like they are, you feel that it would only confuse things more inside of both of you and you really don't want to do that right now..say something like..I know your really struggling with things inside right now, and that you need to figure out what it is that you want, but making love right now won't help you figure out what that is..yes, I love you very much, but I love you enough to let you figure this out..but also realize, I can't wait forever for you to decide..because I need to be happy too..give him a hug and kiss good night and let him go...this will give him something to think about..<P>and if he really takes the time to think things out..he should come home..I can't say when..or how long it would take..but it should help..if he's a smart man he'll realize that Hey..this woman really loves me..and this marriage is worth saving..but then, he may have a pride problem and be to proud to come home and admit he was wrong..<P>also remember, that when he asks you what your plans are..you don't owe him an explaination..because he no longer lives there..so you don't have to tell him..just make him wonder..who is she with, where is she going, what is she doing..<P>Yes, he may get angry because your doing things..and he's not apart of it..but realize that he's not really angry at you..but at himself..for his own mistakes..and those are things that he will have to deal with..<P>Hope this helps..I know that it would have worked wonders for me..as a WS..to know that he loved me enough to just be my friend first..as I struggled w/ my own demons within..

Thanks to both of you for the wonderful insight. This is probably the hardest thing I've ever done, but I feel that I have to do it. Your words of support and insights really help!<P>K