Hello all,<P>I have received some excellent advice on this forum since I started posting here. I have received varying opinions from all different viewpoints and angles. This has helped me tremendously and I can't thank you enough.<P>One thing that stands out to me is the fact that I have often been told, "You will know when you have had enough".<P>Well, I've had enough. This is not anger or resentment. I simply don't want to continue in a one-sided marriage while my H is living with OW. By him taking our children over there this weekend and "acting" like they were a big happy family, he has proven to me that my feelings mean nothing to him and that he has no intention of returning to our relationship.<P>He has lied about his relationship with her and quite frankly, I don't want to wait around losing my self-respect until HE comes out of his fog. If he was immature and unable to make a grownup decision, I may be more lenient. Then again, I have waited for 6 months for him to find a time to "think" about our relationship. He has yet to find the time......<P>You know they say, if you haven't worn something in your closet in 6 months, you might as well throw it away because you either don't like it or don't need it. That is exactly what I feel like. My H is capable of being a good father and I suppose we will always be friends on some level because we were best friends for 17 years ( half our lives).<P>I just don't need or like a relationship that meets none of my needs. It isn't just about needs, I just have to let go of my dreams for now. I've always been an optimist. I refuse to see the bad in people and I continually make mistakes for their behavior and do not require consenquences for negative actions. I generally just let things slide.<P>Tomorrow I am telling my H to come back by after he drops kids off because I have some things to tell him. Not ask him but tell him. I will let him know that I will be making an appointment with my lawyer, hopefully on Tuesday, which will be exactly 6 months from when he moved out of our house. He was unhappy for 6 months prior to that so I suppose I've really been living this nightmare over a year now. <P>This is the right thing for me to do. It is not to get a reaction out of him. Both my parents and his parents think I should file to scare him but this isn't about that. I'm just ready to get on with my life, the way that I want to live it. I will just be exercising one of my God given freedoms and ending one chapter of my life so another can begin. It isn't what I wanted but it is what I have to accept. There is nothing more to do or say to him that will make any difference. I also don't think more time would either. Time is now pushing us further away rather than drawing us together. I know there is always a chance and that All things are possible with God. I will do my best to follow God's direction in my life, no matter what. I have a peace about this decision that I really don't understand right now so even though I know God hates divorce, I also know He hates adultry so much that He allows marriages to end due to it. <P>Please pray for me as I start this journey. I will need your continued support throughout this process. Thanks for your help. Lynn <P>PS: I'm okay, I really am.

Lynn,<P>You sound so rational about this, and that is good...you want to keep your self respect and not be the dummy on the sidelines waiting for a game.<P>We have a bit of a similarity, in that we have both been motivated to make big decisions because the WS decided to place our children in the company of OW, in a role that we would normally have...and NO we should not accept that, when we are not even divorced.<P>Did you do anything about telling him not to place the children in her company again? There was a lot of advice on that in your previous post.<P>Take care of yourself first is the motto here...you seem to be doing that. You are so strong to have put up with this for so long.<P>Take heart, for it will probably get really difficult now.<P>Jacky

(((((LYNN)))))))<P>I can relate to it all. You just know when you've had enough. We will be here for you and you will make it. Sometimes, just when you let go...the WS comes back. <P>BIG HUGS AND LOTS OF PRAYERS<<BR>Dana<P>

Hi Lynn...<P>What a big decision... I'm so with you on this. It's been a year for me since my H decided we needed to separate and he hasn't deviated nor has he filed any papers yet. I'm just sick of the limbo.<P>They say "hope deferred makes the heart sick" and I just feel like dragging this on and on is just making me sick. <P>So, I hope and pray for you... that as you move prayerfully and carefully forward that you will keep your eyes on God. Your H has tread very heavily on your emotions and feelings and it's exactly the hard-heartedness that Christ was talking about in divorce situations.<P>Keep us posted to see how it goes. I wish I had the same nerve... I just don't plus there isn't any other woman which would motivate me really quickly.<P>Warmly,<BR>Nicole<P>------------------<BR><I>"You will deceive yourself into believing that if people, circumstances, and events had been different, your pain would not exist...Your pain is the concrete way in which you participate in the pain of humanity."</I> <BR>~ Henri Nouwen ~

{{{{{{{{{{Lynne}}}}}}}}}}<P>This may sound odd, but I believe you ARE ready. There's a strange calm and strength that comes over you, and peace fills you. The KNOWING what is going to happen, even if it's not what you want, brings peace. I can hear it in your writing.<P>{{{{{Jacky}}}}}, {{{{{Dana}}}}} and {{{{{Nicole}}}}} <P>I just wanted to hug you guys. You're all three in my thoughts and prayers tonight and I wanted you to know how much I appreciate you all. <P>CJ<P>------------------<BR>Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

Thanks ladies. Hugs to all. and prayers.... <P>God, thank you for this place and for these ladies. You brought all of this into my life just when I needed it most. It seemed the breakup of my marriage was more than I could bear but you gave me the tools to get through it. I give you all the praise and the glory. In Jesus Name, Amen<P>God Bless all of you and God Bless the USA!

I told H this morning that I planned to file for divorce and why. He was very quite, teary-eyed, and sad but did not one time try to talk me out of it or slow me down or even say he was willing to work on relationship. He said he understood why I had to do what I was doing and that he hadn't really left me any choice. The most positive thing he said was that he still wished he could have talked to me more openly in our marriage.<P>We talked for about 45 minutes. I had asked him to go down to the park near the house to talk so it would be a less threatening environment. When we were walking back to the car he held my hand and when we got home, he helped me unload some potting soil and fixed the outdoor water fixture so I could turn it off and on. I walked him to the truck and he hugged me tightly. I told him I loved him and he said he loved me too.<P>I am still ok. Sad but ok. I still have an incredable peace. <P>Thanks for your support and prayers. Lynn

I fully understand your last post. Its kinda of facing the reality and finality of once was a grand relationship. The first time my W/S told me she wanted a divorce. It was like a weight had been lifted from my shoulders. In fact I told her thank you/ Now she did go back and forth yes no lets stay together for the kids only while I continue my relationship with O/M and I cant meet any of your needs. Well I found that unacceptable and was a total lack of respect for me. I decided enough was enough and filed. It was the hardest thing Ive ever done in my life. I was sad but it also enabled me to take control of my life. Just remember the W/S will be the one that causes the most destruction in their life. The W/S didnt have to do it if they didnt want to. What ever was missing in your marriage doesnt justify what the W/S did. You will be ok. Take it one day at a time. You are a person who has a right to be respected especially by someone you loved. You will find that your heart has a door to it and that with time and the more disrespect you receive, that the door to your heart will close and you can move forward. Surround yourself with a support group of friends. Get out once and a while and have some fun. You owe it to yourself to take care of your emotional and psychological well being.

I made the appointment for next Wednesday. As much as I hate it, I know this is the best thing I can do. It hurts so much to give up on something that once was so good but I know I have done everything possible to try to correct the problem.<P>I used the analogy this AM that I wanted to win the lottery but to do that I had to at least buy a ticket. My H wanted things to work out with us but was not willing to put forth any effort or time towards that goal. He kept thinking things would just work out somehow, that I would always be there and that he could stay with OW,with no consequences until he decided to give her up. Well the world doesn't work that way. There is no such thing as a free lunch. In order to get a desired outcome, someone has to put some effort in. He wasn't willing.<P>I just wanted to post an update and tell everyone that by doing this, I have not given up on my marriage or my H. I will still be here when and if he wants to work on things, but I have to do this to protect myself and my children in case he never comes home. <P>We are getting a major storm. Gotta get home.<P>God bless.<P>Lynn

Lynn,<P>Reading your post just brought tears to my eyes and my hair on my arms just stood up. How you are feeling is exactly how I felt. I mean word for word. Don't feel bad you did what you could. There are just somethings a person can't change. It was a year ago today that I told my EX I was filing for divorce. Now here is 1 year later married so it must not have bothered him to much. I am here for support, just know you are not alone.<P>Jill

(((Lynn)))<P>I remember those days so clearly. Just reading through this I started balling like a baby, it brought all those emotions back again.<P>Just so you know, from someone who has just been through the process, lean on all the people here whenever you're down. This is a HUGE life changing event and there will be times when you just need someone. <P>Hugs, Thoughts, and Prayers<P>------------------<BR>Love, Bill<P>-There are none so blind as those who refuse to see!-<BR>-Stand up and do the right thing, even if your standing alone.-

I just read through your posts for the first time. Usually I post under General Questions.<P>Your situation sounds so very similar to mine. We were married for 21 years. H retired from the AF last March. He got hired by NW and just got off probation with them in May. In April, he moved out with a 28 year old flight attendant.<P>It has been downhill ever since. He filed for a divorce without talking to me while I was in Europe on a soccer tournament with my oldest daughter. He told me about it in an email..."Hope you and Meg had a great time in Europe. By the way the divorce papers are at the sheriff's office."<P>He has been flying his OW into our little community to interact with our 4 kids at various times over the last 4 months. He doesn't care about our feelings--only about his needs.<P>It has been horrible. However, even though this isn't the first time he has had an affair--this is by far the worst one. How your h can change so drastically over a period of 6 months is beyond me. <P>My question is how do you feel good about your decision. You sound so centered and calm. I feel miserable. I am still hurt and am devastated by his behavior. I know I should be angry and upset and ready to move on. But I am not. I am trying...but I still miss him and miss all the hopes and dreams that we had.<P>He is determined tho. I want to be where you are. How do you get your emotions under control?