At the very end of his working day as I know it, h finally sent an email.<P>He was very generous, and now it is in writing in case anything is disputed by FIL tomorrow, or indeed courts in the future.<P>But it seemed so businesslike and void of emotion, and uncaring, and all the rest....just put down the stuff he needed to. At least he finally cared enough to do it I know, but it IS a step towards the severing of ties, and so I am sad. <BR>

Nina,<P>The prayer and remembrance memorial has just started in the U.S. so i'll make this short.<P>I think it is really good that he emailed you back. You can now feel financially stronger. I don't think this is the beginning of the end yet though. I think it is a sign that he still does care. I think also, men tend to keep financial things very business like sometimes and he did know how important this was to you for him to lay it all out in writing.<P>Have you written him back, yet. You have probably already thought of this, but I think I would write him back and say thanks for relieving your mind of this worry.<P>Anyway, I think this is very encouraging.<P>Love ANNA<P><BR>

No I didn't write him back, but I will, now you mention it. I guess in Plan A we should always acknowledge their efforts. I will SMS him, as he won't be at work now.<P>Thanks for reminding me to do this.<P>I just feel this is all so stupid, and I wish he would see sense and come back to us.<P>Anna, you give good advice, even though you've only been here a litle while.

Well, now he even forwarded an email from his work, detailing that the money was now to be sent to my account. Very nice of him, but don't you thunk this is all so final for him? I sent him an SMS, telling him thank you very much, but I was doing this for the kids, and that I still loved him very much. This side of stuff stinks....I feel like I am living on charity, and I am sure he feels like the big benefactor.

Nina,<P>First, no way are you getting charity!!! Ok, I went back to some of your old post hoping to get more information to back my statement up. You were together 9 years and married three, you are the mother of his children, for all these years you did the majority of the cooking, cleaning and care of the children. To pull a quote from an old thread:<P>Winny wrote:<BR>"First, you ARE working just as hard, if not harder, than your H. If he had to PAY for someone to do child care, housekeeping duties, laundry, and all the rest, he couldn't<BR>afford it! Some big psychologist once worked it out on paper and discovered that the "fee" for all that a wife/mother does comes to more than $100,000 per year, if one had to pay for those services!"<P>Let's see if you were to get what you're years of service were worth 9 X 100,000 = 900,000. Well, yippie, I'd say you'd be rich...Hmmm just thought about it I'd be even richer with my 17 years of marriage...hehe<P>I'd say he's just be making a small donation to the big amount of money he owes the mother of his children and wife for all those years...SO STAND PROUD!!!<P>ANNA<P><p>[This message has been edited by Anna2000 (edited September 14, 2001).]

I am not so sure this is final, I see it more as him accepting his responsibility finacially towards you and the kids. I do know that anytime these things happen it does seem one step closer to being final,however from my own experience I would encourage you to keep finacial matters in a business like manner, when I got big D, my lawyer adviced me that for the courts a D was only a finacial exercise.<BR> Nina please take this time to reflect on yourself and allow yourself to grow as an individual, this might or might not be the end in either case how you handle things now and take care of yourself now will determine who you are in the future, as you grow perhaps you will discover things about yourself and who you are and perhaps you will realize that this is what is neccessary for you right now, you will be the better person in the end.<P>

Jacky, my dear I didn't forget about you. My opinion my not be the one you want to hear but I'm going to give it to you anyway. Go to a plan B. He's halfway across the world doing whatever he wants. Keep all correspondence to the point and business like. No thank you's, love you's, begging, or anything. Let him have the chance to fully appreciate the choice he has made.<P>Just my opinion, dear and you know no matter what you do I'll be right here for ya.<P>Hugs, Thoughts, & Prayers for the flatlands.<P>------------------<BR>Love, Bill<P>-There are none so blind as those who refuse to see!-<BR>-Stand up and do the right thing, even if your standing alone.-

Thanks for replies. I have had the talk with FIL, and it was okay. He was very upset, shaking as he told me the details of our finances, and what I needed, and his eyes welled up quite a bit. Gave me a couple of hefty checks, and told me which shares were best to sell. Poor guy, he shouldn't have to be involved in this. <P>One thing I will say, he was guarding my future quite a bit. We HAVE to sell shares, but he wouldn't touch the ones in my name only, only ones in both my names. He did say something interesting...I had let H know that I had a new account and please send the money to it, not our joint account, as FIL has control and I said it didn't make me feel very independent. Well FIL tells me, my H wanted to keep the arrangement going, with FIL paying it into my account on H's behalf. FIL told me he was firm on this, and he MADE H do the transaction from his end...H didn't want to do it, and his words were H as to take responsibility for his actions. FIL is VERY disappointed in H. There h goes again, avoiding things. But also since I HAD stated I wanted to be independent with money, was he trying to keep me from that? <P>Anna,<P>I have been with my h for 17 years, nearly ten of them married...so I'm up there with ya! And while I said he was generous with what he is giving me, it's not really, by law, and he will find this out soon.<P>jabber, <P>you're awake! Or you were when you replied...<BR>I was quite business-like with FIL today, but haven't really been that way with H...although my letter to him was, for the most part. I'll keep it in mind.<P>LH, <P>I know I should be in Plan B now, but remember the letters? It was your advice to send to gooey one a couple of weeks after I got here, and I haven't done that....and then wait for a couple of weeks to see what happened, and THE send Plan B letter. So from this, I thought I was still in Plan A. That's why I have been putting in the I love you's etc.<P> Are you now saying to forget all that and go straight to Plan B, do not pass Go?<P>Thanks for being there for me...

Nina,<P>How relieved I am your FIL was sympathetic, kind and caring. I'll bet this has been such a long, emotionally draining day and week for you. Sorry about getting your years wrong...geeez maybe I was reading someone else's threads. hehe I'll bet you are feeling a little relief tonight.<P>Remember something though, you are the one who will know when you are ready for plan b. No one else will know. We can all say get a lawyer, send the 'b' letter but until you are ready you shouldn't do it. I don't know if there's ever a real time a person knows, maybe there isn't, maybe others that went to plan b can tell you that more than I can. I do know if you are not ready, whether it is time or not, you do what you think is right for you. If that means staying in plan A longer for now then so be it.<P>I have been thinking of you tonight as I knew you must of had your meeting already.<P>Love,<P>ANNA<P><BR>

glad it seemed to go well, you were so worried and it went your way, just goes to show ya! you never know what is going to happen it just happens.<P>

Yes, I know, shouldn't worry about things as much I know. It just seemed I was getting pushed around before they got here, and so i am relieved it's all over. <P>They took the kids out for lunch because it's my youngest's birthday on Monday...I asked them to do this rather than come here and invade me enmasse. H's sister brought them home, stayed a while so the cousins could have a play. She didn't say much about it, but did express disbelief of his actions (which btw, they really know nothing about) and concern that he doesn't want to talk to anyone in the family. Anyway I found it a bit tense, but I didn't bad-mouth him to anyone.<P>So now I have money, or I will when the checks clear. Dad can start looking for a car for me (he's in the trade) and soon I will be more indedendent.<P>Thanks again!<P>Jacky<P>

Jacky,<P>read up on Plan A and B. Plan B limits contact to the most necessary items, in regards to finances, and children.<P>The object is to move from Plan A to Plan B as smoothly as possible, but not a waivering, one or the other.<P>You Plan A when <B> he </B> initiates contact, but you don't initiate plan A. only in response. so you are not chasing, pushing him farther away with your slobbery puppy like initiated plan A, but to have him MISS your plan A, and then to have it remembered when he initiates contact. Remember, distance in <B> time </B> and space makes the heart grow fonder.<P>it is very significant that his family isn't very happy with him, as it is a reflection upon them, ultimately. with my case, since in the X's family, even one is spoiled and selfish, there is a belief that they are always right, and I have witnessed XFIL saying he <B> wants </B> someone else to blame. <P>good luck, <BR>remember, you can only control yourself, not anyone else, and you can best influence your kids, because they will have a very high tendency to repeat this event when they arrive at their similar ages.<P>WIFTTy

Well since you have money now maybe I could borrow some to get an alarm clock with batteries LOL<P>

Hi Tom,<P>Tell me about the distance making the heart grow fonder!!!! I miss him, and I guess he knows it. But I have made good steps the past two days, and I feel more in control of things, so I know I will be able to not be so gushy.<P>There is a logic to my writing love, Jacky at the end of my responses, because in Plan B, which I will be going for in about a month by my calculations....that's when i think I will be ready for the full version, I won't be writing that. And he will wonder where it is. I know this because he pointedly leaves it off any communications.<P>Fynny to look at HIS actions, I'd SWEAR he was doing a Plan B on me, without the love saving, of course.<P>Anyway, since I've been here, I HAVE only contacted him for business, so I need a pat on the back for that, don't I???? PLEEEEZZZEEE???<P>So anyway, how are you today? Write on your post so we know!!!<P>HAVE you heard the one about how Indians get their names????

DAMN!!! Just posted number 13 AGAIN!!!<P>jabber<P> <P>This is a true story I swear.<P>When I got my first job teaching, I lived by myself in the country right next to a one teacher school. I taught in the town about twenty minutes away. I was a city girl, originally.<P>It was an old education department house, run down etc. Anyway, I had been kept awake for numerous nights by strange noises in the night several times, and a country friend who offered to stay with me one night said it was possums in the roof and koalas (they make a grunting noise, almost like bulls when the cows are in season).<P>One night the possum AND the koala kept me up late...it was so annoying because I had to work the next day. All night long, scritch, scritch in the roof and grunting from the trees! I thought I'd never get up in time.<P>Well anyway, I got up before the alarm, at 6am, feeling really rested. I was surprised, but happy I didn't feel too bad. I had a bath because the shower didn't work at the time, had breakfast, got dressed, had plenty of time because the clock said it was still only 8 o'clock. School started at nine.<P>So I'm gathering my things together, when the teacher from the school next door comes over, and tells me she had a call from my school, because they are wondering if I am okay...I said well I'm leaving now, why did they bother to phone me I wonder? She said, "Well, Jacky, it might be because it's ten o'clock." <P><BR>"AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!!!!"<P>In the car and straight to school, talk with the boss in break, what a naughty girl I was!<P>Well I figured out later that the stupid little alarm clock I had (battery operated) has inexplicably STOPPED in the middle of the night, and then started again a few hours later. I know this because it did it once when I was awake.<P>So that's MY sleep in story!!!<P>And NO, you can't have a loan unless you promise to buy an electric clock with battery backup!!!

Nina too,<P>You’ve been very helpful to me and I wanted to thank you. I don’t have the experience to know if this is a good or bad sign but at least he recognized his financial obligations. I’m thinking of you and offer you my support.<BR>

AW shucks, WM!!!<P>Thanks, yes getting good at giving advice, just not great at following my own!!!

I don't really have a sleep in story to tell, but I did wake 2hrs early once and thought I was late hurried up dress and off to work I went to find out that I was the only one there 2hrs early, at first i thought it must be a hoiday and i forgot, cause no one was there yet.<P>

LOL!<P>Waking up late seems to be the theme here...we stumble along not realising why things don't seem to be as they should, but then D-day comes along, and you think, well I SHOULD have known!<P>Well thanks for all the responses, I think I am just going to ride this through and try to make progress for myself. I have to, don't I?<P>I will probably hear from H tomorrow, cos it's YD 4th birthday. I plan to make it special for her, although she's already had a party in SA, and yesterday's with the in-laws, but we will have a cake and MORE presents, and then when he calls I'll tell him all about it in the nicest possible way so that he misses it and wishes he was here, even if he won't say it. First time we have ever been apart for one of our kid's birthdays. He brought this home to me before we left, as he bought her a locket, with love, DAD on the back - WE didn't get her the present, HE did, know what I mean. That hurt, as I was just going to buy from both of us as I usually do.<P>Sigh, sob, never mind....my card tomorrow will say it's from him too, as usual.

Hi there<P>I am glad that you journey to Aus was safe. I did think of you on Thursday that you left and wished you a silent 'good-luck'. <P>I am glad that H is taking care of you financially. That is a good sign regardless. My H is only paying my medical aid and a few insurances. Well that is going to end soon...<P>Sorry that he is not going to be there for your little girl's birthday. You are doing very well and seem to be gaining independence. You also sound stronger than you were a while back. You need to hear this, because we can't always see the progress we make by ourselves.<P>You asked in another post for an update. I will try to post an update, but I am at strange place in my life right now..<P>Pantha