I haven't been a registered user of this site for long, but from everything I have read, from the articles and from other posts, it sounds to me like everyone here is smart, spiritual, faithful, kind and encouraging. I wish I had found this site months ago. I don't know that it would have changed anything between me and my stbx but I would have found more support when I needed it most.<P>It amazes me how many of us are in the same boat. In everything I read from other posts, I can totally relate to the pain, rejection and devastation but also to the encouragement and hope for a better life, with or without the WS. The hardest things to read relate to the children whose lives have been ripped to shreds by the WS. They children are truly the victims here as they are the only ones completely blameless for the actions of their parents. In my case, the cheating hubby has custody because my son had the power to choose, thanks to the courts. I do not believe that an adulterous spouse should EVER have custody, unless the faithful one is an abuser of some kind and I don't think that is very often the case. It used to be that adultery was grounds for a divorce, the trouble is that it is so hard to prove. Well, if the O/W or O/M is LIVING with your stbx, isn't that proof enough? Personally, I think the laws need to be changed. I think that any kind of abuse (and let's face it isn't adultery abusive?) should be grounds. And I don't think a child of 12 should be given the power to make a decision that will affect the rest of his/her life. I think 14 or 15 might be more appropriate. There is something very wrong with a society where the divorce rate is 50% or better. The lack of morals these days is staggering. People have no consideration for anyone but themselves. They don't care what affect their actions have on others or who they hurt as long as they get what they think they want. They don't care about anyone else unless some kind of tragedy hits and even then there are those who could care less. People are not expendable! I know that our life on this earth is but a vapor, but that doesn't give people the right to stomp all over each other while we're here!! I would hate to be one of the ones left behind when God's mighty hand comes down and whisks the believers away and leaves the rest to burn.<P>"And, behold, I come quickly; and my reward is with me, to give every man according as his work shall be...Blessed are they that do his commandments, that they may have right to the tree of life, and may enter in through the gates into the city. For without are dogs, and sorcerers, and whoremongers, and murderers, and idolaters, and whosoever loveth and maketh a lie."<BR>- Revelation 22:12, 14-15

I agree with most things you have to say, My WS walked out went to live with OM. Got half of all assets and took lots of furniture to set up new place for her and other man. My belief is if she abandoned me why she she be entitled to anything, Her message to me was I want out and I am willing to leave everything behind, the courts need to look at this, but here they don't really care who did what anymore, they just want to run you through the system and get it over with.<P>

I sort of a agree, if a ws stood to experience a markedly reduced likelihood of an equal settlement re assets that could be a factor to reduce wandering. However, I am not so sure custody should ever be more than an issue of effective parenting. And contrary to bs feelings a ws is not necessarily any more immoral, or unfit as a parent than a bs. Many times the affair occurs cause the marriage should not be, and that is simply one way it ends, especially when the bs is a controlling, or dominant personality. But I have no objection to a morality being an issue in custody decisions.

Anyone who would flaunt his or her infidelity in front of his or her children is an unfit parent. Anyone who would destroy a child's family for the sake of pursuing a relationship with an OP is an unfit parent. Anyone who would force a child to endure not only the pain of his parents' divorce but also all the emotional issues related to a new step-parent or pseudo-step parent at the same time, is an unfit human being.