Thanks to your reply to my counseling post. Sorry for the delay here-been out of town on business. It has been quite a week, eh? I knew three people, two I count as friends, who died in the WTC. Did not know at the time, but actually watched them die as the building collapsed. Found out the next day from an old friend that a classmate of ours was on the plane from Newark to SF that crashed in PA.<P>Strangely, I now have that lousy counseling session mixed up with the horror of this week. Monday seems like 1000 years ago. I now feel very detached from W. I also want to try and go forward with the conseling, if only just so we can interact better regarding kids if we get to D. I no longer see reconciliation as an end. It is still possible, but I know not likely. Somehow, she did me a favor.<P>She has been most caring and sympathetic to me since Tuesday-she called me with the news originally-knew I had friends in the WTC.<P>This week has been surreal. I went to mass today-closing song was America the Beautiful. People wept as they sang, strangers held one another. I will never forget it. I can now look at my own life through a slightly different lense. I now really do get some of the things I have been reading here as never before. I really can only change me. I really cannot control her.<P>I told her Monday, after we were done, I love her now and always will, come what may. She seemed genuinely surprised. I think in saying it I took a step back from the R.<P>There is still lots of time in front of us before anything final happens. I am not holding my breath now, but anything is possible. This week has shown me that hop and courage and resolve can rise from the ashes. Hatred can beget love. Death can bring forth new life. The most divisive of events can bring us closer together.<P>This nation grew up a little this week, and so did I.<P>Thanks again for your reply, and G*d bless you.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by ANB3:<BR><B>Thanks to your reply to my counseling post. Sorry for the delay here-been out of town on business. It has been quite a week, eh? I knew three people, two I count as friends, who died in the WTC. Did not know at the time, but actually watched them die as the building collapsed. Found out the next day from an old friend that a classmate of ours was on the plane from Newark to SF that crashed in PA. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>ANB3, I am so sorry. Please accept my sympathy and prayers for the loss of your friends. Are you doing okay? Do you have friends, family and support around you--do you have someone there to help you grieve? If not, if you are alone, I hope you'll come here and let us support you here. {{{{{ANB3}}}}}<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B> Strangely, I now have that lousy counseling session mixed up with the horror of this week. Monday seems like 1000 years ago. I now feel very detached from W. I also want to try and go forward with the conseling, if only just so we can interact better regarding kids if we get to D. I no longer see reconciliation as an end. It is still possible, but I know not likely. Somehow, she did me a favor. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I know what you mean. On Sunday night my H returned from Canada, and we had an arguement (but that's another post). On Monday night we tried to take a night off and not argue, so we went to the Broncos Monday Night Football game. The next morning, the world turned upside down and those two days seem like not much more than a vague dream. You know, maybe the shock and hurt of the counseling, coupled and quadrupled by the shock of the terrorist attack, has just left you feeling detached from EVERYTHING--not just your W! What I mean, is that to deal with the pain and sorrow of losing your friends and the way they died is just so much MORE harmful than dealing with your W right now. Somewhere in your heart, you KNOW that you will survive if your marriage breaks up...you can make it somehow. But dealing with the terror is just such an overload that you have detached. It's just a thought--okay?<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B> She has been most caring and sympathetic to me since Tuesday-she called me with the news originally-knew I had friends in the WTC. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I'm so glad. You know, ANB3, it is conceivable that she is going through a rude awakening of her own. It is possible that she is starting to realize that while there is life, there is hope. Have you considered using this as an opportunity to talk to her about how it has affected her? Have you shared with her how it has changed you?<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B> This week has been surreal. I went to mass today-closing song was America the Beautiful. People wept as they sang, strangers held one another. I will never forget it. I can now look at my own life through a slightly different lense. I now really do get some of the things I have been reading here as never before. I really can only change me. I really cannot control her. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>This may sound wierd, but I can tell that you REALLY understand it now. This week HAS been surreal--it feels like a horrifyingly bad nightmare. I'm glad to see that you turned to your faith, because I really believe that having a faith to turn to will really help people cope. Throughout this week, I have seen time after time of regular, old people coming together and supporting each other. I've seen my friends and co-workers cry; I've seen others running home to be with their families; I've seen people who don't know each other put flags on their homes and wave at each other. Who would have ever guessed that out of a tragedy like this, new caring and support would be born?<P>It's funny what triggers the emotions in us, isn't it? Do you remember seeing on the news when the Queen's Guard broke rank and played "The Star Spangled Banner"? That's what broke me up. Funny, isn't it? But for me, I know the history of the Queen's Guard, and for like 400 years they have never broken rank. Their one and only mission is to protect the queen (or king), and they do NOT move. For them to break rank just touched my heart--it was SUCH a sign of solidarity! Oh well, I cried like a baby, and that's okay. <P>It's also funny how some of the stuff that we were just too busy to see before suddenly becomes crystal clear, isn't it? You are so right, ANB3, the only person you can change is YOU, and I hate to say this, but even if you become the "perfect" spouse and even if you become the man that you have the potential to be--the man that God intended for you to be--it is conceivable that your W may still choose to harden her heart and disregard her vows. You can't stop her or change her mind or "make" her do anything. But I do hope that your new-found wisdom also assisted you in seeing how valuable and precious a relationship is. It acknowledged as the priceless gift that it is every singel day. A commitment is not what most people think it is...it is a choice that is made every day. Choose love. <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B> I told her Monday, after we were done, I love her now and always will, come what may. She seemed genuinely surprised. I think in saying it I took a step back from the R. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I don't know what to say, except that I feel the same way. Whether or not we end up staying together, I do know that in my heart I will always love my H. That's it. I said "til death do us part" and in my heart, I knew what that meant and I meant it.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B> There is still lots of time in front of us before anything final happens. I am not holding my breath now, but anything is possible. This week has shown me that hope and courage and resolve can rise from the ashes. Hatred can beget love. Death can bring forth new life. The most divisive of events can bring us closer together.<P>This nation grew up a little this week, and so did I.<P>Thanks again for your reply, and G*d bless you.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I know exactly what you are saying. I used to want change and things to be better "right now"!! I was almost desperate for something major to happen and fix my broken heart. Now, I know that I have a lifetime to work on this and to work on me. Not that I can procrastinate or grow negligent; but rather, I'm not is such a rush for an immediate and permanent fix. <P>I will tell you something really personal. There are a few really close friends here who know that this happened, but not too many. During the days when my H was having his affair and then came home and wouldn't let me touch him, I wanted to die inside. Not suicide, but rather that part of me that hurt so much just wanted it to stop--ya know? And for the longest time I struggled against it and fought for my marriage and didn't want to admit to myself that it was over. Then, one day, I realized that my marriage was dead...or at least, the illusion that I had held about my marriage was dead. I had thought "Sure, he was a hound before we got married, but then he met me and I was special" and "I was something special and that's why he picked me" and "I am more loved and more attractive and a better woman, mother and lover than all those other women he met when he was single." All that was dead, and what I had been doing was trying to breathe life back into the corpse. What I needed to do was admit that it was dead and try to have NEW life...a NEW marriage...spring out of the dead ashes like a phoenix. But in order to do that, I had to admit to myself that it was dead, and boy that was hard and hurt like the dickens. I had a little funeral service for my marriage, and that helped me to accept the fact that it had died. <P>ANB3, whether you get back together with your W or not, your old marriage is gone. It's dead. But hope and courage and resolve CAN rise from the ashes. Find that hope and courage within yourself now! Hatred CAN beget love--but it will be a NEW love, not the old love. Death CAN bring forth new life; but in order for the new life to spring forth, that means you must admit it is dead! The most divisive of events CAN bring us closer together. Now, ANB3, let THIS divisive event, and the events prior to Tuesday night, bring you two closer together.<P>God bless you too!<P><BR>CJ<P><BR><P>------------------<BR>Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

Wow CJ-thanks so much for your eloquent, thoughtful, and heartfelt reply. Thanks especially for feeling comfortablke enough to share some very personal thoughts.<P>I know what you mean-the old marriage IS dead. I acknowledged that before, but now I believe it. I don't want it. I want a new R with the woman I still love. She has a wall up against that right now, and I cannot do anything about that.<P>Right now, I just feel numb. It has been a good weekend in many ways. Yesterday, i went to an Al-Anon meeting. Before I knew what I was saying, I let fly with a statement that I was mad as he** at my higher power, and was not sure at that time I even believed any more. The meeting then moved to a topic of gratitude, and it was just what I needed. My faith was restored. Something about when absolute starngers hold your hand or give you a hug to restore faith in G*d and man. Mass today was good, but me feelings must be written on my face. One woman I know caught me on the way out and asked what was wrong, so I told her. She gave me a hug too. I felt saved at that moment.<P>Yesterday at soccer games, spent most of morning w/ W. It was actually the most cordial, pleasant time we have had together in awhile. She was very open, outgoing. We had a nice morning, and neither of us spoke of last week. When I droped the kids off last night, she mentioned for second time the weight I've lost, said she thought it was enough (I have a goal I am not quite at yet). She still has concern for me, and she is noticing things. But now, it is different. I can see it, but I have no expectation around it. To say I don't care is too harsh, but I know that part is about her, not me.<P>CJ, thanks again for your support and help. I have kept up with your situation on and off, and it sounds very tricky. But if anyone can navigate these treacherous waters, it is you.<P>I am a little closer to everyone here after this tough week.

ANB3, <P>You seem to be a person of faith, so I am going to ask you for a favor. Things are not good here. I'll write another thread about it, but will you please do me a favor and pray? I don't feel safe, and I'm trying to consider what my options are, and BOY do I need God's wisdom. Of course, I know He's busy (heehee), but I have several people I consider my wise council, and I have consulted them. Pray for them to speak to me using God's voice, and pray for me to have the courage to do what I need to do. <P>Thanks. <P>CJ<P>------------------<BR>Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

CJ - You have been, and will be in my prayers. I must admit my faith has wavered this last week, and I have really questioned my higher power. I came to the conclusion that what I was lacking was faith in myself. Thanks to some good friends and some very caring strangers, I have gotten my faith back.<P>Sounds like you are seeking the same thing. I find that by sitting quietly and opening my mind and my heart, I can sometimes hear answers. Are they mine or His? Does that really matter?<P>I will pray that you find what you need to find, know what you need to know, hear what you need to hear. G*d is in your life if you seek Him. He comes in you dreams, your thoughts, through your friends. You are wise because you seek him in those places. He will give you what you need, but not necessarily what you want. I have not always believed that, but I know now it is true. I will pray that you get all that you need.<P>Please take care.<P>Peace my friend.