I’ve only posted 2 times on this site but the support I received from each post helped me get through some tough times. At one point I was feeling extremely lonely and even questions if life was worth living. But now I’m happy to say that I feel strong once again. However, the happiness stems from telling my wife to go away for good. I know this site it designed to help couples reconcile their differences and work to improving their love for one another, and I think that’s great. I honestly believe that reconciling your marriage is the best thing to do but in my case that is no longer an option. I hope others will post success stories instead of one’s so final like this one. <P>Last night my friend got sick and need to be rushed to the hospital, he’s doing fine now. But in the mist of the madness I stopped by the apartment my wife is staying at to drop her a note and let her know about my friend. That was a mistake. There I saw the OM car, in the parking lot at about 3am. Earlier she told me that she has ceased contact with that individual and was considering coming home. So much for Plan A. I wasn’t able to sleep much, all I could think of was the new betrayal that my wife has committed. Eventually, after I came to my senses, I called her and told her about my friend. Then I told her I knew the OM he was there. She didn’t have much to say. So I told her how I felt and committed a bunch of LBs. Then I told her I didn’t want her to come home and if someone asked I was going to tell the truth. The truth about the affair and the truth that she has left me. She’s been gone for 3 months now and I still haven’t told friends or family that she left me. Now I won’t be forced to live a lie. I wanted so badly for things to work out but I cannot continue like this. I don’t feel that Plan B is an option and now I feel more at peace with myself than ever.<P>

Hi WM,<P>Weekends are slow, as you probably have already noticed, so I just wanted you to know someone had read your post.<P>You are going through a very bad patch, very bad...you thought she was being up front with you and she wasn't. This is so similar to many stories here. My h left me a couple of months ago. He had already had one A, and I thought I saw the signs of another before he left. No, no, it's not that, etc, etc. BULLS#!T!!! Found out through my KIDS no less because they had all spent the day with her and him.<P>So you are not alone in discovering things you wish you hadn't.<P>So, you say it is completely over, you seem to have been separated for a couple of months too. I don't know if you truly, in your heart don't want the marriage, or you are reacting out of anger. When I found out what happened with the kids that day I LB'd BIG, BIG time over the phone to my H. I was SO angry, I do not even remember most of what I said. And I made a big life change because of it, moved far away, so the kids and I wouldn't have to put up with that again.<P>But, here's the thing....that happened about four weeks ago, I removed myself from the situation and I STILL have hope. I am in long distance Plan A now, but soon I will go to Plan B. Really read up on the two, if you decide you want your wife back. I actually think you do, from your other posts...but you don't at the moment because the anger and hurt is so overwhelming. I guess what I am saying is give it a little while, let the initial pain subside a bit, then decide what you want to do. <P><P>------------------<BR>"When the going gets tough, the tough get going" - Nina's dad.

Weak male,<P>Did you read my post to you on my thread??<P>I am not positive on all the details surrounding your wife's affair. Three months is not a long time. Many WS are in the fog for a while, more like a few years...mine has been with OW for 2 years now. <P>I think everyone has different breaking points, and different things they will tolerate. I think its fair to respect that and not put limits on anyone's feelings.<P>I just want to say that it might be good to really talk to a professional, and perhaps go back to plan A, even for a short while. It's easy to walk away like this in the moment of anger, but sometimes you wind up with doubts in the end.<P>If you were to go back to Plan A (when things cool down), then when she has her doubts, she'll remember you as loving and cooperative. Do Plan A as long as you can, even if it's only a month or two, But then go to Plan B if you can follow the plan. <P>I skipped Plan B. I went from Plan A to "I quit". I was ok with it for a while, but many months later I had my doubts . At least if you follow the plan, then you wind up with a clear conscience that you tried your best, and your love ends in a more healthy way. <P>If you really can't bring yourself to Plan A again, and Plan B, you will still find a lot of support here and keep posting and reading. I'm just sharing with you another thing I felt I did a little wrong along the way.<P>I see a huge difference emotionally in those that waited a few years and stuck out Plan A and Plan B. When they move on , they are more positive, more healthy emotionally, and I think they would take less of this "baggage" to that new relationship.<P>Good luck, <BR>and don't forget to change your name soon! <BR>Dana<BR>

Your right, I DO WANT HER BACK. I want here back more than anything in the world. But I can’t continue to suffer. At first I didn’t think I would be able forgive her for the A but after I spent some time on this web site I realized what happened and why she did it. I know so many more things now than I’ve ever know. Although we have only been married for 3 years we’ve been in a relationship for such a long time. I’m 31 yrs old and I took steps to ensure that we would be able to have a family. I made sure that if she didn’t want to work she could stay home with the kids and we wouldn’t have to make an adjustment to our lifestyle. My 20s were entirely devoted to her and building our future. Now she’s taking that away. I’ve been extremely patient since she’s been gone but I feel like she took advantage of the situation. She told me she needed time to think, not time to be with the OM. Sorry for sounding angry but sometimes I am. Your responses are extremely helpful and thank you for being there. I guess I’m confused because she has taken so much (emotionally) that soon there will be nothing left.

Okay now, you need to take a time out in this. Let your immediate emotions die down...you want her back, you will need to work at it, and the work will be HARD, so you need to break a little while...<P>Re-read the Plan A stuff, read my early posts if you can find them....one like "Help, H is coming over tomorrow, what do I do?"<P>I got a lot of good advice on that one.<P>But for now, look after you...be very kind to yourself, love her, allow yourself to do that, even though it will hurt, and try to keep your head held high.<P>Keep coming here, we will let you LB all you like and we won't leave you!!!<P>Jacky

Hi weakmale<P>Firstly let me tell you that I am probably the least knowledgeable person on this site.<P>I have a question for all the posters so far which I think is relevant to how you may be feeling so could lead to some useful advice. Hope you don't mind. <P>I am always amazed by the patience of people on this site. I have some patience myself - I've been trying to sort things out for 2 and a half years, but this is peanuts by some standards! Sometimes I wish I had separated from my husband in earlier days, while I could feel my reaction was completely justified, or at least gone mad with him for a while. Perhaps things might then have worked out better eventually. On the other hand I totally agree with the idea of doing everything you can to make things work so that parting can be easier in the end. On my third hand (!) I'm aware of how pent up feelings of anger can severely slow things down.<P>Does anyone think that it might have been a Good thing for weakmale to vent his totally justified anger at this time? The road we all seem to be advising is a very hard one after all.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Biddy:<BR>Does anyone think that it might have been a Good thing for weakmale to vent his totally justified anger at this time? The road we all seem to be advising is a very hard one after all.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Whether it's "good" or not depends on what weakmale's goal is. You're right that his anger is justified, and nobody can blame him for expressing it. It undoubtedly took a load off his chest.<P>But is that the goal? Weakmale says in one post that reconciling is "the best thing to do," but "no longer an option"- but in another says "I do want her back." It sounds to me like he's not sure it's over- and raging at his wife is very unlikely to bring her back to him. If he truly doesn't care if she comes or goes, fine, vent away.<P>Weakmale sounds like a Plan B candidate, almost textbook. He plan A'd; discovered continued contact with the OM; Plan B is supposed to be the next step. But Plan B isn't "you're ruining my life, I can't stand to see you, stay away from me." It's "I love you and want our marriage to work, but it can't while you're with the OM. Call me when you're ready to work with me." Venting and raging aren't part of that either. <P>Yes, it's hard not to act out your anger- I know it's difficult because I've resolved not to do so until I'm sure there's no hope left, and then, I don't think I'll be angry so much as drained. <P>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by weakmale:<BR><B>Last night my friend got sick and need to be rushed to the hospital, he's doing fine now. But in the mist of the madness I stopped by the apartment my wife is staying at to drop her a note and let her know about my friend. That was a mistake. There I saw the OM car, in the parking lot at about 3am. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Dropping off a note about your friend at 3:00 a.m.?<BR>People rarely do things for a single reason. I'm not a lawyer, but your post gives rise to several questions. Why did she need to know? How was that going to help your friend get well? Are you the only one who could have notified her?. Was stopping by her apartment the only possible way? Did you use this incident as an excuse to spy on her? Did you open the door for her to alledge that you were stalking her? And then blow up? Did that open up the door for a restraining order?<P>May I suggest you get on the phone to your lawyer and tell him what happened. And please, be very, very honest both with yourself and your lawyer. A little legal advice wouldn't hurt a thing right now.<P>Prayers and stuff,<P>Bumper

weakmale,<P>I'm going to be blunt with you again, so sit down and read this. First, you are hurt and you had your suspicions, so ADMIT IT, you spied on her. Unfortunately, by spying on her, you got an answer for which you were not ready. One thing I've learned over the past two years is DO NOT ASK A QUESTION IF YOU'RE NOT READY FOR THE ANSWER! But, come on! Be honest. No matter what she was telling you, you knew it in your heart, didn't you?<P>Second, you have been working REALLY hard, Plan A-ing, for three months now, and you were hoping in your heart for some kind of results or encouragement or improvement or something. Instead, you got hurt--and you got hurt BIG TIME!! You are filled with anger right now because it is easier to be mad and angry and a bit self-righteous than it is to be sad and hurt and in pain. But in real life, you ARE in pain. How could she do this to you? How could she lie? Why does she hate you? What the h*ll happened? Why doesn't she love me anymore? Believe me, weakmale, I have been there!! You are filled with rage because you want her to HEAR you and all your words and efforts are not getting through. I know how your heart aches because she is with another man, but it's not manly to be hurt, is it? It IS a little more manly to be angry and "strong", right? <P>Here's what I think. Rather than telling you, "Don't be angry" I say embrace the anger and accept the fact that you are angry. Let yourself be angry and give yourself permission to feel anger. BUT, don't DWELL on the anger and stay there for very long. Don't aim the anger at her right now. As you feel anger and rage and steam building up, come here and vent your little guts out. It's called screaming in pain! You mind and your personality and your insides are just hurt and mad as h*ll and you need to let it out, but it would be counter-productive to aim it at your W right now. <P>You are right about one thing, it is a big relief to no longer have to live a lie. It will be a big relief to you to be able to turn to your friends and family and lean on them for support. BUT, don't forget what I told you about not asking a question for which you aren't ready for the answer. You may tell a friend and they will see her side! You may tell a family member and they'll be so angry with her that you'll find yourself defending her! It's wierd. So brace yourself for what your friends and family will say, and let your anger run it's course, but don't necessarily aim your anger at her right now. Just scream, okay?<P><BR>CJ<P>------------------<BR>Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

Weak male... you are hearing from the best of those from this board... please listen. Please seek honestly... Where are you turning for your strength?<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>But he said to me, "My grace is suffienct for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." ~ 2 Corinthians 12:9 ~<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Let His Grace flood you... you call yourself weak man... let God's strength be made perfect in your own perceived/felt weakness! Just want you to know you're being prayed for right now...<P>Blessings and more...<P>------------------<BR><I>"You will deceive yourself into believing that if people, circumstances, and events had been different, your pain would not exist...Your pain is the concrete way in which you participate in the pain of humanity."</I> <BR>~ Henri Nouwen ~

I've been there (through it all) It's been more that 8 months sinced me and my wife, seperated and sure after nearly 18 years of marriage to that same wonderful person it was very hard to face what she wanted. She wanted out of this marriage, thoug there had been no cheating or anything like that. It was nore of a tiredness of how things had turned out in our marriage, 4 kids lack of financial security, and cet. So we sold our house and I moved to a small appartment. And I suffered and suffered and I guess I did all the wrong things... I simply followed my emotional feelings! I dived as deep as I could in trying to analise what went wrong, and tried to improof every topic of the way I thought I could improof. But nothing worked, and just some 6 weeks ago I found out that she had got her self another person to go steady with. After she had had some 2 times been with another man in the past 8 months. So what could I do? Well I simply did the same thing!!! I even went to the same club as she did where she had met this man. And I simply have to admit that my life's tension has wind down a great deal, sinced I found someone that I can give and recive some emotional affection. Tell me what you feel or what's your view or philosophy of what I've told you. I know it can bee very tough to take that step, but it's and option <P>------------------<BR>The Teespoon

WM,<P>I cannot BRING MYSELF to type your handle fully...would you PLEASE change it???<P>You are NOT weak...you are strong, just for being here and trying to do something about your situation. So c'mon, what about STRONGmale, or Hercules, or something!!!!<P>Now, why am I here? Oh yeah! I am not going to accuse you of spying, and finding an excuse for visiting your w at three in the morning etc...if you did it you did it, and so what? I'll bet there's not a BS here who hasn't resorted to some detective work in all of this. And if you didn't, well, I am sorry those who accused you did so...and some of those people I hope are still my friends after saying that!!! <P>As for your anger WM, vent it all you like, but vent it HERE. We will listen, we will cyberhug you,(((((WM)))))), be compassionate, we will support you if you call WS all the names under the sun. DO NOT do it to her...bad Plan A. Bad LB's.<P>I post here all the time, probably too much. But if I don't, I'm gonna wring H's neck...hard to do when I'm an ocean away, but you get the idea.<P>None of us can believe what happened to us, even the WS's who post here. But they all came here and received love and support from people who understood.<P>If your W is in the fog, she will not hear you. We will...come here and vent, any time.<P>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by weakmale:<BR> I don’t feel that Plan B is an option and now I feel more at peace with myself than ever.<BR>[/B]<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Weak male,<P>You know yourself better than any of us do. You know your breaking point too. Trust in the judgements you make for your life. <P>Although Nina is correct about taking time out. You do need to take some time out before acting on your decisions.<P>BTW, reading all your posting you don't seem like such a weak male to me. In fact I'd say you are pretty strong and confident and getting stronger every day.<P>Goodluck with your decisions!<P>ANNA<p>[This message has been edited by Anna2000 (edited September 16, 2001).]

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Nina too:<BR><B> I'll bet there's not a BS here who hasn't resorted to some detective work in all of this. And if you didn't, well, I am sorry those who accused you did so...and some of those people I hope are still my friends after saying that!!! </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Nina,<P>Why yes indeed we are all still your friends. The idea behind critical thinking is amiable skepticism, not to crush someone with a different perspective. Hopefully enough different perspectives will be posted here that some of them will help WM to find and articulate a perspective that fits the needs of his case. WM needs access to all of these varied perspectives.<P>Right now, there is a pretty good chance he is in traumatic shock, and things are a little foggy. Please understand that his WS isn't having a very good day either, the experience had to be humiliating for her as well.<P>You make a very good point, most of us as betrayed spouses probably resorted to some sort of nosing around. And most of us will admit it was with disasterous results. There is a thread on the forum right now where some supposedly well intentioned "Sam Bassett, Hound for Hire" sister in law found a cell phone number, jumped to conclusions about what it meant, and wound up hurting a perfectly innocent person with her nonsense.<P> I would certainly disagree with you that anyone resorted to "detective" work, this stuff isn't what detectives do. A detective is not trained to merely nose around, but to conduct a systematic, methodical, structured inquiry. Most reputable private investigators avoid marital infidelity work. It doesn't pay enough to make the heartaches worthwhile.<P>Prayers and stuff,<P>Bumper <BR>

Congratulations, you have gained back your self respect and dignity. No one should put up with being lied to and abused.<BR>

I wanted to thank everyone for their comments I think they are both helpful and constructive. I know I was out of line telling my wife how I felt but being betrayed again hurt so much. As for “spying” on her, I really wasn’t. Sometimes she can be very hard to reach. She won’t return my calls and keeps her cell phone off. So, in order to communicate with her I drop stuff off in her car. Usually notes, cards, flowers, and I even baked her cookies once. She’s staying in an apartment with her friend that doesn’t know about the affair so he’s never over there. The reason I was there so late was I just got back from the hospital and I wrote her a note because she needed to know. I just wanted to clarify things so you guys didn’t think I was psycho.<P>But there are some new developments. After I told her how I felt I ask her to come over so we could talk about dividing the assets and finalize things. But my feelings for her came back and I told her I wanted to work things out and for her to come home. To my surprise she agreed. She stayed the night, slept on the couch, and she told me how much I hurt her. It was terrible. The whole time she was angry and resentful. I did my best to comfort her and didn’t LB. Today she was going to go to the apartment and get a few things. I wanted to go with her but she wouldn’t let me. Then she called to let me know she wouldn’t be coming home. I thought that was going to happen but I didn’t want to believe it. So I sent an email to the OM describing how I feel and how he’s making both of us suffer. I also asked him to cease contact with my wife. I don’t know how I was able to do this but I kept the letter calm, without anger or aggressiveness. I also sent it to my wife as a BCC. Now that I done it I’m not sure if I was out of line. Too late now. I would appreciate any comments or feedback. Also, should I give my wife a heads up or just let them see it at work tomorrow.<BR>

WM,<P>Just a side note to the possibly "spying/snooping" issue. I was with my ex H for 11 years. I rarely spied, but I had my doubts. I must say since I've been cheated on pretty badly over the past few years, first by H, then by now ex BF, I've become quite skillful at times .<P>Well I used those skills this weekend, in a very bad decision, yes, I peeked, and guess what, CJ is right and she's told me before, don't do it if you aren't ready to face the truth.<P>In my case, I needed the truth to push me to a final decision on "goodbye". <P>I'm not at all skilled in Plan B, if people are recommending it, then I'd look into it. I wish I did it when I had the chance. <P>No one deserves to be lied to and betrayed, but unfortunately when our spouse turns into a WS, they can become very skillful at it, but remember, they are in that fog, and this could pass one day.<P>Good luck, Dana<BR>