Hi,<P>This is just kind of a vent more for myself then anything. It's a gray cloudy day here. I have been reading a book that is about a woman who's husband left her with three small kids and never came back and how her kids viewed her. <P>It has really brought up some hurt. I guess it didn't help that I was cleaning my sons room and found our old family picture under his bed. He must have been looking at it recently as it had been in a box. We looked so happy. I was happy, when that picture was taken we really were in the best time of our marriage. I mean we always had our problems. He could be quite abusive at times but I always forgave him. The kids were so little and happy then. I felt totally loved and needed. Now here I am alone, 36 years old. My kids are all teenagers off and doing their own thing. I don't think I was ever meant to be single. I miss being married so much especially today. On cool cloudy Sundays we used to sit together on the couch and talk , watch tv or just nap but we enjoyed just being together. <P>He was such an [censored] to me the past few years I can't imagine why I even miss him the way I do. My oldest son looks so much like him. It is really getting hard to even look him in the face as he has all the same expressions my Ex has. <BR>I've tried dating but I can't let myself even feel anything. I think that all this time I have been trying to tell myself that I no longer loved my Ex and that I'm doing better without him I was just hiding the pain. <P>I feel so bad for all those who lost their love ones this week. For even though my Ex isn't dead he is dead to me and the pain of losing him is just as strong. <P>I miss so much, so many little things I never thought I would miss. I miss hearing walk through the kitchen when he got home from work. I miss the familiar sound of him getting ready for work in the morning. When I go to the store I miss buying what he liked, all those things that after 17 years are hard to give up. Most of all I miss him in bed at night. I used to lay in bed and listen to him sleep. I would lay my hand on him just to make sure he was there. I don't think I have had a full nights sleep since he's been gone and it's been a year. <P>So for all of you that I have told I'm doing fine I guess I have been wrong. Maybe on the surface I'm ok but deep down there is a wound so deep that I don't know if it will ever truely heal. <P>I'm sorry for the rambling but sometimes a person has to tell somebody how they are feeling. I don't want the people I know to see me this way as I can't stand it if they start giving me those pity looks again. <P>I hope someday that I meet someone who can heal some of this pain. I hope that I meet someone that I can love and spoil again. I know I have most of my life yet ahead of me. I've not given up on happiness it has just bee eluding me now for awhile.<P>Jill

Just posting to let you know your post was read and felt. Take care of yourself; you are in my prayers.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>We looked so happy. I was happy, when that picture was taken we really were in the best time of our marriage. I mean we always had our problems. He could be quite abusive at times but I always forgave him. The kids were so little and happy then. I felt totally loved and needed. Now here I am alone, 36 years old. My kids are all teenagers off and doing their own thing. I don't think I was ever meant to be single. I miss being married so much especially today. On cool cloudy Sundays we used to sit together on the couch and talk , watch tv or just nap but we enjoyed just being together. <P>He was such an [censored] to me the past few years I can't imagine why I even miss him the way I do. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE></B><P><BR> I am in complete sympathy. I am not yet divorced, but I just feel I understand exactly how you feel. I have tried the "keep busy " plan to try to deal with it. It doesn't really work, this still kills me. <P> How could we marry asses. By the way, try this at 41 (36 isn't so bad)!<BR> <BR> Sleeping next to someone you love is a true blessing to me. It's one of the things I loved most and have missed the most.<P> I also know the pity looks.Just punch 'em , it seems to redirect their thoughts.<P> To top it all off, I don't think the solution to the pain comes from the outside. It comes from within. Whoo-hoo. And some things I've read, plus the input from my PT say that if you can't deal with it and try to bury the issue you'll have long term issues. So, we're supposed to feel it and let it run it's course. That's supposed to be healthy.<P> It feels better with a rum and coke. <P> Dan<P> Listen though, I've prayed for you, and will continue to do so. Do you have any support? ( I don't mean financial). I think you'll get the love you want and deserve. <p>[This message has been edited by Family Man (edited September 16, 2001).]

I'm sorry to hear that you are feeling so lonely. I just read a really good book entitled "Open House" which is part of the Oprah's Book Club. The situation you describe sounds so much like what this book is about. I really suggest you get a copy of it and read it the next time you feel down. There is some humor thrown into it too, which balances everything out. I will pray for you!

Jill,<P>I can definitely identify, even to the not sleeping through the night. I don't think I've slept through once during the last 2.5 years, and it is the first thing I think about when I wake up most mornings and when I wake up in the middle of the night.<P>Especially now that my son is a teenager, he also reminds me so much of his father - not so much in looks (he kind of resembles my father, actually), but in personality - mostly in good ways, though occasionally not. <P>I have pretty much decided that the only way to get by is just to give up hope of it getting any better. At least I don't have to worry too much about having most of my life in front of me - my mother died when she was only about 16 years older than I am. Then again, one of my great-great grandmothers lived to 104...<BR>

Thank you All,<P>I am feeling some better now. Just writing down how I was feeling helped alot. I don't know why I'm so down today. Maybe its just hormones I don't know. Just knowing I have support with you all helps so much. I know part of my problem is that I have always been a deal with it and get over it person. It just drives me crazy that I am still feeling this way. Its funny how we just have no control over these emotions. My logical side keeps telling me,"Jill, are you nuts, you gave this man everything and look what he did to you!" Why in the hell are you even missing this man!" I would say 85% of the time that is how I feel. That is so much easier than the remaining 15% of the time like today when I am a basket case. <BR>Lord knows I almost left him numerouse times but I didn't because even though he was very difficult to live with, he is very selfish, shallow, abusive at times he also had some very good points and its those I miss. <P>I know I have to move on. This is not a dream and I need to really reconcile with the fact that this is my life now and my old life is gone. I guess it's just taking alot longer than I ever anticipated. <P>Jill<P>

About a year after I left my husband, I started having those same feelings of depression. It wasn't because I still loved him or was jealous. He has remarried, has a 20 mo old girl and I am happy for him. I truly think my problem was that I left home at age 19, moved in with him, got married, was married for 15 almost 16 years and never lived on my own and found out who I was.<P>He was a police officer and the first 10 years he worked evenings and never had weekends off. I felt like a single parent always attending the girls events by myself because he was at work, so I know where you are coming from by the loniness. I have wonderful friends and it has been tough on me to be by myself, but I am making it. My girls are 16 & 15 and have a life of their own. I spend a lot of time with them and their friends, but it is still lonely for me when they make plans and I'm home alone. I just work in the yard, clean my car - do anything to keep me busy because I don't like going to clubs.<P>I don't date much because I work 2 jobs and my girls are extremely active so I am at every event that I can possibly make. I went to the football game the other night to watch my oldest in the marching band and I felt so alone even though I had friends come up and ask how I was doing, etc..... Stay busy and get to know yourself it will get better, then there, done that. I thought you were dating someone, how is that going?????<P>

Jill,<P>I'm very glad you are feeling better. <P>This may sound silly but I just wanted you to know that I love your name. When I see your name "Jillybean" it makes me smile for some reason.<P>Take care!<BR>ANNA<BR>

Elliott,<P>Thanks so much for your answere tomy post. It really made me feel better. I was dating this guy but I just couldn't get into it. I did the first few dates then I found myself making excuses as to why I couldn't go out. He's a nice guy but the more I saw of him I saw some traits I really didin't care for. <P>Anna,<P>Thanks I'm glad you like my name. I have been called that for years. Most of my friends call me either jilly or jillybean. I think its kind of because I'm usually a happy go lucky person.<P>Jill<BR>

Jilly, your post is something that I could have written if you took out the husband and inserted a wife. I hate this apartment because everywhere I look I have a memory of my wife standing or sitting there. I remember the showers I took with her, brushing her hair at night, listening to her sleep, putting my arm around her. I miss that terribly. I miss cooking dinner for her. It sucks cooking for one person. Robyn has only been physically gone for two months, but I see that she left me emotionally long before that. I surprise myself by coping as well as I have. <P>I know some of the pain you are feeling because it is my pain also. It may not be worth much, but sometimes something as small as having someone listen and understand can make a person feel better. Well, I have listened and I understand. Take care.<P>------------------<BR>Don't look back. You never know what is gaining on you.

When you made the comment "He's a nice guy but the more I saw of him I saw some traits I really didn't care for", it reminded me of the first guy I dated after my divorce.  He paid a lot of attention to me and was very nice.  However, my aunt gave me some words of wisdom ----- to be very careful not to pick out the same type person that you just got divorced from.  She was so right.  After a few months, I started to see where he was controlling, but in a different way than my X.  He started to tell me how to raise my girls (excuse me they make A's & B's) and I have very little problems with them considering they are teenagers.  Then he would tell me I shouldn't go to the grocery store at 10:30 or 11:00 at night because weird people would hang out at stores that late at night. Sometimes I had no choice because I work to jobs and they needed stuff for their lunches.<P>Anyway, the point here is I have the same feelings as you. I want desperately to be loved by someone, I want someone to pay attention to me, I want to be held and kissed; however, we are very vulnerable right now. We are still healing.  Patience is the only answer.  I have to remind myself that it is O.K. to have a male friend and just have fun. It's O.K. to not be serious about every man that comes along. I don't want to rush into anything and I am enjoying being by myself because I'm getting to know me.  I am still young and will have lots of time to date when my girls leave home.  Just keep telling yourself have fun and when the time is right "love" will fall into place. Good luck!!!