Thank you to all that wrote on my first post...especially faithful wife...what a sweetie...very comforting. <BR> I am having a very hard time...I understand faithful wife that a pitcher only has so much to pour. I have stopped Lb completely....I do not want my husband to feel what I am feeling ever again (For those who dont know--my husband is thinking of leaving--I threated divorce, not ever meaning it, one too many times) Over the past week, we have been making progress, at least I thought so. We had some fun in the b-room for the first time since I can remember...now I just cant get the thought of him out of my head...since last friday...we have "had fun" a total of 3 times. I guess I thought that THIS is a very good sign. He was showing affection of any kind. I'll take it and let him know that I want us to feel that way forever. I want to show him and tell him every day just how much I love him. I really am putting the effort to fill his love bank and it doesnt seem to be working.Not only with "fun" but communication has been much better this week also.<BR>The problem now is that my H STILL isnt sure if he wants to work things out...he says it is him that is hanging over a cliff and doesnt know how to get back or even if he wants to. I let him know that I am here...holding on to the rope so he wont fall...he does not know if he wants me on the other end of the rope anymore...I AM SOOO SAD. I feel like an idiot for making advances. I really thought they were a great place to start. An idiot. I feel so very weak. I asked him if there were OW and there is not. I believe him.<BR>Truly I do. What do I do now...all the progress that I thought WE were making turns out to be false....what do I do. He doesnt want to talk about it. I do. I am losing my mind to emotions I thought I never had. Any advise?

Take you cues from him as to what you should do. Right now he doesn't want to talk about it, so dont!! If you keep pushing, you will push him out the door! I know it is so hard, but that is why this forum is here. Talk here for now. We all have been there and can give you help.

OMG-TERRIFIED -- DB713 is exactly right. If you husband does not want to talk about it, then don't. That is the one thing that I couldn't do and now my husband has been out of the house for a very long month now. I know it is going to be hard not to talk about it but believe me, try anything you can not too. I wish I could turn back time but unfortunately we can't.<P>On a good note, since my husband has been gone, we have been making incredible progress towards reconciliation. We can actually carry on a conversation without fighting now. Don't get me wrong, we do have our bad days, and it is usually when I slip up and bring up our relationship problems.<P>What you really need to do is to completely focus on Plan A for yourself. It is one of the hardest things that I have and am learning to do but I do notice that when I am full force in Plan A without any LB's, my husband starts to come around more. Just remember, you cannot control your husbands feelings and actions, you can only control your own. It is a tough road but if you really want to make your marriage work, you are going to have to try very very hard and expect nothing in return right now.<P>All of us on this site are here for you. Come here and vent. Don't vent, get angry or start asking your husband a lot of relationship stuff, it will only push him away.<P>((((((((OMG-TERRIFIED))))))))))))<P>Come back here if you need us.

Thank you so much for words of encouragment...I do need to vent...sometimes anyways...Plan A Plan A Plan A Plan A!!!! I hope I can stick to it. I really want to change for the better and not make the same stupid mistakes that have been made in the past.....Thanks for your help!

I think you should talk about it. I can only speak for myself and how I got here. So, if others disagree with my thoughts please rebut this. I truly believe if we (my wife and I) were able to communicate better I would not be in this situation. We didn’t fight, we didn’t have arguments, and now we don’t have each other. I feel like there were so many opportunities for us to discuss our problems but instead we didn’t. Now it’s even harder. Don’t wait until it too late.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by OMG-TERRIFIED:<BR><B>Thank you to all that wrote on my first post...especially faithful wife...what a sweetie...very comforting. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Thanks! I'll tell you something just between you and I: you can't imagine how much that helps. Some nights I stay up typing to people so late, and then I feel like all my efforts are unnoticed. It makes me feel a little better knowing I helped ya!<P> <BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B> I am having a very hard time...<P>...Over the past week, we have been making progress, at least I thought so. Not only with "fun" but communication has been much better this week also...<P>...I really am putting the effort to fill his love bank and it doesnt seem to be working...<P>...The problem now is that my H STILL isnt sure if he wants to work things out...he says it is him that is hanging over a cliff and doesnt know how to get back or even if he wants to. I let him know that I am here...holding on to the rope so he wont fall...he does not know if he wants me on the other end of the rope anymore...</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>OMG-TERRIFIED, I hate to say this, but YAY!! YAY!!! This is actually good. No, I'm serious. He is TESTING you. See, in the recent past you had been draining away his love and not making love deposits, and all-of-a-sudden you are. So he's thinking to himself, "These changes can't be for real. I'll test her." He is dipping his toes into the water to see if it's safe for him to dive in! <P>You have realized that threatening divorce was a HUGE mistake. Furthermore, you have recognized that continuing to do lovebusters will just drain his love away and he will no longer feel love for you. It's hard to face yourself and admit the ways that you have not been doing a great job. For me, I have trouble with angry outbursts. BUT, as you know, anyone can stop their habit or act differently for a couple of days or a week and not really CHANGE deep down. A smoker could stop smoking for a couple of days (it would just be super difficult)--an alcoholic could stop drinking for a little while--an overeater could diet for a good week or so IN ORDER TO PROVE A POINT OR GET WHAT THEY WANT. If you have really changed inside, you are going to have to prove it to him. <P>So, keep putting forth your efforts. PROVE it to him. Keep on being loving and sexy. Stop those LBs and fill him to the brim with love deposits. Keep it up!! When he says stuff like, "I'm not sure if I want you on the other end of the rope" hear in your head, "I'm not sure, but I'll let you show me why you should be!!" And when he says he's not sure if he wants to climb back up the cliff, hear in your head, "He's tired...he's not sure if he can do it...he needs reassurance and patience." Let him know that you understand he's tired of trying. Let him REST while you take care of him and shower him with love. Get it?<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B> ...I AM SOOO SAD. I feel like an idiot for making advances. I really thought they were a great place to start. An idiot. I feel so very weak. <P>What do I do now...all the progress that I thought WE were making turns out to be false....what do I do. He doesn't want to talk about it. I do. I am losing my mind to emotions I thought I never had. Any advise?</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>OMG-TERRIFIED, I totally understand how you feel. I know there have been times when I opened up and took the risk and tried to "initiate" things, and when he turned me down, I felt so cheap. It's not just a polite "no"; it means so much more than that. And when he said "yes" but then told me in his next breath that he didn't love me--OUCH! It's like deep down, touching your soul sad. But you want to know the funny thing? That probably was a pretty good place to start. <P>See, this is a huge generality, but usually women feel close and connected to someone and they have sex to express that closeness, but guys have the sex in order to feel the closeness and connection. So, initiating things may very well have initiated some closeness within him. Cool. But since he feels hurt and is a little withdrawn that was awkward for him. <P>So don't quite freak out yet. You did make some progress. Keep showing him that you can greatly decrease your LBs and meet his needs--including sex. And one thing I learned about relationship talks...god, in my heart I was dying to find out what he thought and how he felt and where I stood, but it was like being hit with a tidal wave for him. So, maybe do a tiny, little talk. Agree to ask ONE question a day. You can ask him ONE question a day and he has to answer honestly and thoroughly; and he can ask you ONE question a day that you have to answer honestly and thoroughly. It can be ANYTHING. And OMG, if you keep that one question safe, he will keep on talking to you and you will make baby-step progress. Okay?<P>Calm down, hon. I know your heart is aching and you feel like you're losing it, but we're here...I'm here. <P><BR>{{{{{OMG-TERRIFIED}}}}}<P>CJ<P><BR><P>------------------<BR>Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

Sounds like progress to me, you are spending time and making deposits good sign I think. You didn't get in this mess in a weeks time and won't get out in a week, this will take time be patient and keep doing the good things , don't push him let him figure this out on his own, keep up the good work and I think you will see even more progress.<P>