Hi friends,<P>This is mostly to those who have been dating since divorce, but I'd like any opinion.<P>Do you think its more healthy to remain friends after a break up with a bf/gf? Or do you think it just leaves the door open for repeated pain and confusion.<P>I'll wait for some replies before I ask any more.<BR>Hugs, Dana<BR>

Dana,<P>Without knowing too much of the history behind your question, I have never know anyone to be able to be friends with an ex. Maybe its just me but you would be the first I had ever heard of. Sure you try to be friends at first because of the intimacy you once shared but its hard to ever get rid of those feelings while still in contact with an ex. I hope this helps and of course its just one mans opinion.<BR>

Dana,<P>I'd say that if they can both bare the pain then to an extent they can be friends. I'd think it would be healthy if there were children involved to be friends. If there is pain with the friendship and it just makes it harder to get over that person then I'd say they shouldn't be friends.<P>BTW, I remember your thread about the boyfriend who cheated on you with his XW. I was thinking about that lately and here are my thoughts. While you were dating him, I'll bet he did the same thing with Ex-wife. I mean he probably became friends with her too. Called her, talked to her etc. I wonder if he is the type who doesn't want to let go of any relationship totally. He wants to hang on to that person just a little, in case he wants to renew it again some day. I wouldn't be a bit surprised if he is still having some sort of contact with XW and still wanting to remain her friend too for that very reason. <P>Well, his friendship seems to be tearing you up inside. I hope you make the right choice.<P>Love,<P>ANNA<BR>

Dana, <P>You babe-a-liscious kid! Haha. If I could summarize, I would say NO. Do not remain "friends" with an ex bf. My personal philosophy is that a clean break is best, because it ENDS the relationship and disentangles the lives. After a while (6 months??) you might be able to meet somewhere and become "just friends" because you have both moved on with your lives. Chick, it's like the No Contact rule. You can't stay "friends" with the OP, and you can't stay "friends" with an ex bf!<P>{{{{{{{{{{DanaB}}}}}}}}}}<P>CJ<P>(I know...B is giving you grief and heartache, isn't he?)<P>------------------<BR>Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

Hey Dana,<P>This is wierd. G and I just attended this very weekend the wedding and reception of one of my X's from 15 years ago. We lived together for almost 12 months. It was an amicable break up. Well, up to the point where I came home to find out she also took the refridgerator. We have maintained contact thru out the years. She works in one of the area rehab hospitals and when we [ambulance crew] are there I would stop in to bug her. This is the one from two years ago that we hung out together after breaking up from our perspective SO's if you remember. We were not trying to reignite the relationship and that was understood from the start. Just to comfort one another.<P>Funny thing is that I am friendly with all my X GF's and even XW's and they in return. Everyone that I dated or M was in the nursing or EMS field and I run into them all the time. We ask how each other is doing, what's going on, stuff like that. We relive some of the old memories and can laugh about them now. Like, remember when I stuck your head in the blender and turned it on? You know what I mean. I could tell you stories on each and everyone of them. <P>I/we hold no grudges towards the other. Hey, it wasn't meant to be. No autopsy, no foul. We had fun together and learned from the experience. It is a life lesson that had to be taught. At least, this is how I feel. Sure, I could be mad at some for what they did to me and some [very few, maybe one or two] that could be mad at me for what I did, but, bottom line is it had to be done for personal growth.<P>Val still calls me religiously every two weeks and the last time she brought up our M/relationship. She doesn't sound happy right now. We discussed the roles we played that ultimatly brought an end to the M. I believe she is beginning to understand what went wrong. I am not trying to "win" her back, I want her to be happy. I am hoping she learns the lesson that she needs to have to find the happiness from within. There is a reason she calls and needs/wants my help/guidance and I will give it to her. [That didn't sound right] <P>I believe that an OP is in a diff ballpark. By definition an OP is one other than your spousal unit. BF/GF are different when you are single. But, that's just me. Remember, I fell down the cellar steps as a child and haven't been right since.<P>Wishing us all the Best.<P>Medic.

Hi Dana,<P>Friendship with and ex? Hmmmmm. You know something, it is very hard to be friends after having been lovers. But not impossible. And time heals a lot.<P>I have a good relationship with my ex wife, but it took a couple of years for that to begin to happen. We still share children and grandchildren, and we work together to help them get started in life.<P>Ex girlfriends are a totally different story. And it sure depends a lot on how far the relationship got. Basically I'm still friendly with the ones where the relationship didn't make it to the bedroom. But when the drawers hit the floor, and especially when they hit the floor too soon, the relationship seems to go to an entirely different level. If I lose interest, I don't even try to contact her.<P>Most of my women friends have remarried and gotten on with their lives. (And some have divorced for a second time.) I find it a lot easier just to stay out of those pictures. I still have good feelings about them, I wish them well, but I know I don't belong in that picture anymore, it is a complication neither of us needs.<P>Sometimes I get a feeling that I have to care enough about a woman to leave her alone. Does that make any sense? <P>Prayers and stuff,<P>Bumper

Friendly, describing my demeanor in conversation, will be friendly.<P>However, I am not a friend, i do not rush to help her out, except with our kids. I do not initiate small talk conversation unless we meet at a common place. . . .<P>I will not help her out unless she asks, and even then, i no't always.<P>what does this stem from? her inability to share the kids substantially more than the minimum. She has no legitimate reason to keep them away from me, other than her own selfishness, paranoia and control issues.<P>Had she been able to share equally and fair as i was in my part of the settlement, then i would be much more friendly.<P>maybe years later, I will be, but basically, if i am alone with her by mistake, the chances of my LB are very high.<P>not so sWIFTTy this morning.<BR>

This is one hell of an interesting topic, since my wife says she wants to remain friends (anyone else ever hear that? Yes, I thought so) even if we split for good.<P>Before my wife, I had two serious, long-lasting relationships; the first for two years in college, the second for five years after. The second, we got engaged and then I broke it off.<P>GF#1, after almost a year of pain just at the sight of her, I was able to be friends with. We had a large number of mutual friends, so it would have been difficult not to. I now haven't seen her in something like 14 years, but I wouldn't mind it at all.<P>GF#2 I haven't seen since two months after I broke off the engagement. It's been 11 years. She called or wrote occassionally over the next year or so, but I was so gulity over breaking up with her I wanted nothing to do with her. By now, I could probably meet her for a dinner or something, but even now it might be tense.<P>GF#2 met GF#1, didn't like her much, but said she didn't mind that she was part of the crowd. My wife once told me she wouldn't mind if I wanted to maintain a friendship with GF#2, but I never wanted to.<P>But here's the kicker, and what I'm realizing about my wife's desire to stay friends: once I start a new relationship, boundaries have to come up with the old one. When I was with GF#2, I wouldn't even give GF#1 a hug, or be alone in a room with her. Once I was committed to my wife, I had nothing more to do with GF#2. If my wife and I don't get back together, I'll have to put up boundaries with her in order to maintain intimacy with anyone else. And seeing as the boundaries got stronger with the intensity of each relationship, I wonder how strong the boundaries would have to be with my wife, were she to become my ex-wife.<P>To me, this all comes down to those boundaries. I've always felt married men can have female friends, and visa versa. But there have to be boundaries; there is only so close I'll allow a woman other than my wife to get to me, and me to her. Otherwise, the primary relationship is threatened.<P>A side note: I can think of three women with whom I had a good friendship and a breif sexual affair; in all three cases, we're still good friends. So maybe it isn't sexual intimacy which is the deciding factor- it's past emotional intimacy that may make friendship difficult.<BR>