Those of you who have read my previous posts are familiar with my circumstances. For those who don't know about me,I'm like so many of you in that my wife left me. Two months ago, while I was in the field on an exercise she decided enough was enough and she moved out. I was devastated and contemplated suicide but chose to stick it out and see if I could win her back. I tried everything I could think of to show her that I was worth coming back to. I followed Plan A to the letter. I never pressured her to come back. I told her that my goal was to fix myself and eventually get her to go to counseling with me so we could save our marriage. I see now that I was wasting my time. Nothing I did was good enough and nothing I do will ever be good enough. I failed at this as I have failed at so many other endeavors.<P>I asked her out to dinner because I thought it was time to see if she would go to counseling. I told her I'd like to start going in mid-November. She shook her head and told me that she has a counter-proposal. I was shocked. Could I have made progress? Could my prayers have been answered? LMAO Silly me. She told me that I can either sign divorce papers now or wait until she has the money to have me served. I was stunned. Our food arrived and I just sat there...too sick to my stomach to eat. I tried to convince her that this isn't the way it must end and she told me it is the only way it will end. Nothing I said made any difference. She said the same things she had said in the past to refute the same things I had said in the past. I am not the same person I was two months ago. You are not, but if I moved back in, eventually you would get comfortable and things would go back to the way they were. Do you think I would waste all this time and effort and then lose you again? I don't think you would. I know you would; it is your nature. You're wrong. No, I'm not.<P>In the end, I agreed to sign the papers without being served. I told her that all of my friends have told me that I should drag things out and hurt her as much as possible. I should do everything I can to make her miserable. She asked me what I, myself, want to do. I thought long and hard and she could see the struggle on my face. Finally, I sighed and told her that I would sign peacefully. She asked me why. I told her this: I love you. I always have and I always will. I know that I could hurt you by dragging this out and making it as difficult as possible. I could act like a child and lash out. But that is something the old Erik would have done. I am a better person now and if I did that, I would prove your assumption that I will never change correct. I know you care about me. I don't know why, considering how much I've screwed up your life. I do not want you to hate me, which is what will happen if I fight this. <P>We discussed briefly the possibility that after the divorce, we could date each other and see if there is anything worth building on. In a sense, we could give it a fresh start. Sure, the memories would be there...they always will be...but if we could meet, have some fun, and then go our separate ways until the next time, it may turn out that we can start a relationship the right way. We rushed into our marriage. It was a whirlwind and that was our first mistake. If she can find it within her to set the past aside and give me a chance, I think maybe we could work again as a couple by doing things the right way.<P>Do I hold out hope that she will date me and give me an honest chance? I always bet on lost causes. Do I believe that she will give me an honest chance? No, I do not believe she will. She will get what she wants and move on, closing my chapter of her life. I do not know why I hope because it always brings me pain. She will find someone else and eventually I will see her with her new man, looking at him the way she used to look at me. And that will remind me that I was not good enough to look at in that way. <P>So...my marriage is over. It was over a long time ago but I had to try. I couldn't give up on this. I love Robyn more than she will ever know. I prayed to God every night that He help me save my marriage. I asked Him to help her see that I was worth something, worth another chance. I guess He did not agree. Perhaps God planned for me to get this divorce because it was the wrong time for Robyn and I to be married. Perhaps this is His way of saying we need to slow down and do things the right way. I truly would love to think that this is true, but I can't. I think I messed up, and my punishment is to suffer as I watch Robyn become happy with someone else. That is a horrible thought. <P>My thanks to all who responded to my previous posts. You, unlike everyone else that I spoke to in the real world, found it in you to give me courage and hope. Some of you balanced it with reality checks, but you never tried to rob me of my hopes and dreams. I do appreciate it. I will be around from time to time, spreading whatever limited help I can but since I am no longer married, it will only hurt me to come here. <P>It hurts to know that I was unworthy, that I was not good enough. I thought I had found a gift from God, but at this moment I feel what I actually found was a cruel prank. I know that I was not fully to blame, that it took both Robyn and I to get to this point but I don't understand why it had to be this way. Nothing hurts more than losing something before its true value is known. I know this to be true. It hurts to know that things will never be as they were, that I can never go back. The pain comes from knowing that I never knew anything and the realization that I will never know anything again. Trading innocence for arrogance and paying the price. That is the essence of Hell. And I am there.<P>------------------<BR>Don't look back. You never know what is gaining on you.

(((((((((((((((Wolfen)))))))))))))))))<P>You are in a bad place right now, and who can blame you? Life isn't fair. But don't think you are unworthy...or not good enough, well think it, but not for too long, okay? Because although SHE doesn't want to be with you, you are worthy, you are valuable as a human being, and you have conducted yourself with self respect and dignity, which is more than I can say for your W.<P>Did you sign the papers already? Did she have them with her?<P>It's unfair...it has only been two months separation and she is deciding this. She can see changes in you but does not believe they are permanent. My h is the same with me.<P>I disagree that you don't know anything now...you have learned SO much being here, and you will take that with you into the future.<P>Don't go away completely...we are here for you and you will need to talk while going through things. Many people here have been where you are and can offer so much, if you let them. We care.

You haven't failed, you have made some changes and that is a sucess, keep working on yourself and let her notice things on her own, it is not neccessary for you to point out what you have done, she will see and when she is ready she will come around. You should give this more time and keep plan a going, get counseling on your own and be the best you can be.<P>

Wolfen,<P>I missed your first few posts, but your story tells a similar situation that I was involved in. I got caught up in something that happened way to fast. I think these types of relationships, are so powerful in the beginning, that when they settle down(as all relationships seem to hit that point), I think some people are so used to that incredible "high" feeling in the beginning. They compare it to the "normal" feeling they are at now and it seems like something went wrong. Really I think its just when the relationship reaches a more mature level but sometimes we don't make it thru that stage. <P>I got caught up in a whirlwind relationship, we didn't talk about marriage a lot or specific, but about buying a house, living together soon, etc, and that was part of the package. <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Do I hold out hope that she will date me and give me an honest chance? I always bet on lost causes. Do I believe that she will give me an honest chance? No, I do not believe she will. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I understand exactly how you feel with this comment.<P>One last comment, just because you signed, doesn't mean its over, there is hope as long as you choose to have it. No one can take that from you.<P>Good luck, Dana<BR>