I am at a strange place in my life. My views.. outlook... everything seems to be in a turmoil.<P>My H has sent back the divorce agreement papers and I still need to get them to my lawyer. Am I stalling? I don't think so. I have until Wednesday to get them to him. But I don't seem as eager as I should... H called last week after I got back from a conference. Did I get the papers. Yes. Why didn't you tell me? Didn't know I had to. Well it would have been nice. (Oh really well it would be nice not to be going through this!!) Anyway then he says he can't make it the weekend and I said that is fine because I have other plans and didn't he get my sms? No he has a new phone. Oh, so I shouldn't get hold of you? I left a voice msg on old number with new number. Oh, well I won't be calling to find out! Then he is like I don't want to come because I'm going fishing! I started laughing, enjoy it. I will, puts down phone. I think he wanted me to be upset. Beg him to come get his 'stuff'. <P>Anyway I was on conference last week Sunday to Wednesday. I met so many guys, flirted like crazy but was not planning on taking flirting further.. So I met a younger guy( 4 years) and I really fell for him. But the entire time I told him I am too old for him. Now I feel like such a fool. I have tried to contact him at his work as I know where he works but he is not answering his phone. I would just like to see him again. Am I being crazy? I felt so safe being around him. I would like to contact him, when should I stop trying to get hold of him on the phone? A week? I feel I can't just forget him. I felt a connection and need to know if there is something there. Meeting guys like him can convince me that I can fall in love again.<P>Any advice from anyone? <P>Oh by the way - my revenge thoughts have substantially subsided... that's a good thing <P>Pantha<P>

Pantha, you aren't going to like what I say...<P>It's a rebound thing. You KNOW it is in your heart, and it's because you just want someone to take the hurt away. So understandable, I wish someone would take my hurt away too.<P>You are setting yourself up to be hurt if this or any other guy takes you on right now...you are in a very vulnerable place, and many if given the chance will take advantage of this. Not that I have had the opportunity at all, but I have also wondered what it would be like to have the love of someone else, especially in my darkest moments. But then, I know it's not for me and won't be for a very, very long time.<P>Give yourself some time, you have not been here very long. You may have read other posters here, who have dated people too early, and some say it IS an individual thing, but ALL seem to say to wait a year or two.<P>Read this:<BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum34/HTML/004325.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum34/HTML/004325.html</A> <P> I can't make it link for some reason. DanaB dated and found it wasn't the time....<P>HEY! I checked and it did work!!! <P>At the moment, you want reassurance that you are still loveable...well you are. I know there are many people in your world who adore you, your family, friends, and people here. Yes, people here do love you, because more than the people you see every day, we KNOW your story and we know your soul. We admire you for your strength, your courage and ability to take care of yourself in the face of horrible change. <P>Please don't set yourself up for another hurt so soon. Become stronger first, know what you want in a relationship, work on yourself.....<P>I know you didn't want to hear this, but I just care. <P>[This message has been edited by Nina too (edited September 17, 2001).]<P>[This message has been edited by Nina too (edited September 17, 2001).]<p>[This message has been edited by Nina too (edited September 17, 2001).]

Nina thank you for your reply. Congrats on making the link work !<P>Thank you for pointing me to Dana's post. I cried. I feel much like she does.<P>But I really felt a connection to this guy and would like the chance to see if there is anything there. I am not even thinking an exclusive relationship. I met other guys - nice guys - no connection. I also don't want to wait 2 years. If I get hurt because of this then it will be ok, at least I haven't given up on love. Which 2 weeks ago I had. Really.<P>Damn my H just phoned. I am shaking... He wants to cancel insurances and medical. I lost my temper with him. Told him his moving is the best thing he has ever done for me. (How's that for love busting?) He heard me getting upset and says I don't want to fight. URgghghhgh <P>I told him to fetch his 'rubbish' and that which he brought to house is going to be taken away with garden service - things like glass sheets, hard board etc. And I said I have to pay for his s&*t to be removed. He said well you are getting a lot more out of the deal! Urghghgh So I said well I am not paying insurance on your fishing equipment. So now he might come get his things on Sunday. Oh and then he says I said that I don't want to see his face. Did I say that? Must have! Good!! So I said I can't remember.<P>I will take the papers to my lawyer tomorrow.

Pantha,<BR>I know what you are feelings. I too stalled on the separation agreement. It hurt and it was not what I wanted. All of the indications were that I would not follow through on all that was outlined in our agreement. Guess what? I have done it all and more! The wife is failing miserably. I proved them wrong. I am happy.<P>I too have considered dating and have met some women. It did feel great and I wanted to go out with one of them. I declined. You see, I want to feel comfortable with myself, alone. I want to be happy with me. The important thing to remember is that it is NATURAL to want affection and sharing. It is unhealthy to NEED them. It is important to be strong and secure alone first. Because frankly, when you get into a relationship later, you will at some point again experience loneliness and you will BE prepared to handle it then. You are not now! This is just my opinion. We have to realize that others will FAIL us in relationships and if we are strong individually we will be better able to handle it, not if, but WHEN it does happen down the road, and remember it WILL happen in your next relationship. YOU get healthy.

<BR>Nina--Ohmygosh, great mind do think alike, I was going to post Dana's link too. Well, i'm glad you did, it saved me the work of finding it.<P>Pantha--Well, if you must go out with this guy and there is no stopping you then please for your sake, just take it sooo slowly, minimize the pain if there is a heartbreak. Also, since you've already called his work, I am sure he has your number, I would not call him back unless he called me now. He will start thinking you are pushing him too much. If he doesn't call then you will know, he does not feel the same way and just move on.<P>On the age thing. 4 years, BIG DEAL! That is nothin'.<P>Good luck with your decision.<P>ANNA<BR>

RobC thank you! It's (Divorce) not what any of us really want. But sometimes it is necessary. It is really strange that the WS is seldom the one to file for divorce. I think they think they can just go on and on without taking responsibility. That is where I think the BS differs from the WS, we are willing to take responsibility whether it be to fix a marriage or eventually say 'enough'.<P>Do you know before I met my H I was ok on my own. I wanted a relationship but I was still happy being a lone. He took that from me.. OK I let him take it from me. See taking responsibility! I still want to 'date' not serious dating just movies, coffee etc. Can that be so bad? Rob you have your kids. I don't even have that.

Take it slow, you need to heal not mask the pain. I know its hard to be alone. I have a few male friends that I suddenly feel very strongly about. This is only my personal opinion but dont run for the first guy you feel connected with. Go out with a few that you only feel semi attracted to. You are a lot less likly for a seconf heart break in a casual dating situation. You will know when its right to move on to a new relationship.

Anna thank you for caring! <P>No he doesn't have my number, his office phone just rings. I doubt I will even get hold of him. Maybe he is on leave and only returns next week and then I will look really bad to still be calling then! So I guess its just too bad, but at least for a moment I had hope...<P>Thanks about the age thing, because the 'older' guys all seem to be married/in relationships, so that leaves generally younger guys. But I don't think any potentials will come a long anytime soon... <P>Pantha

what_do_i_do thank you for taking time to reply. I don't even know many guys, so the odds are small. Also don't even have any friends that live close by so the odds of meeting any guys are severely diminished. Be careful of male friendships, sex is the quickest way to lose a good male friend. But yeah going out with guys that I am not attracted to could help except I don't think I could do that. Don't want to lead anyone on. I kept telling this guy before I decided I liked him that I am only 'playing' and that nothing serious is going to happen! Clever me!

Pantha,<P>Well, again if you are gonna persue this relationship anyway. He may have caller ID on his business line. Big possibility since there's no answering machine. Anyway, he may be getting the message you wanna talk after all. <P>If you have the name of his business, I'd look up the addy and send him a short card, saying thanks for the great evening, for being so sweet and if you would like to call me here's my number. Then you won't have to worry whether he got the message or not.<P>Good luck.<P>ANNA

Anna that is an idea! Just want to make sure I have this correct... I send a 'hard' card? Like a shop bought card?<BR>About caller id, our company line doesn't send caller ID, even to my cell number... So there is that too.<P>I guess this is a chance I take right? If he totally blows me off I will still be ok? At least then I will know...

... I phoned him on his cell... He was nice enough. I asked him if he'd like to go for coffee sometime. He said it wouldn't be this week as he was on course and only finished late. So he said it would be next week. But I have a feeling I have made a total fool out of myself. Well... I guess I had to do it to get the thought out of my mind. And now I can go on with my boring ****ty life... <P>I really feel stupid for even trying this... in the heart of rejection - more rejection. Am I a sucker for punishment or a fool for love?

Hi Pantha,<P><BR>I don’t think you should be so harsh on yourself (I really feel stupid for even trying this... in the heart of rejection - more rejection. Am I a sucker for punishment or a fool for love?) This does not seem to be a sign of rejection from his side. See what happens next week. I would just like to say only you can know if you are ready to get involved again .<P>Keep your chin up , We all learn through our mistakes or mishaps on our journeys through life .<P><BR>

I made a good connection with a few woman early one, the pain didn't go away, and I felt quilty at first being with them. there was one lady it could have been right with but it was wrong time and place for us. I think it important to take risk if you are not interested in reconcile. It was important to me to know I was loveable and I could get a date, I found out so much about myself. I am so much happier now and Ex is miserable but still with OM. She was right I was am better off with out her, but that still doesn't stop the pain I still have, I have only learned to manage the pain. I have made alot of new friends Like having woman for friends, but I still don't really have love in my life. Everyone I have gone out with has helped me to dicover what kind of person I am looking for in a relationship and it is funny my ex has none of the qualities I want now. Good luck and take care of yourself. Do what is good for you take the risk.<P>

NWTCO - thank you for replying. I really don't know how to 'read' the next week thing. I will keep in mind what you are saying, but my hopes are not up.<P>Jabber - I am glad that you are able to manage your pain. That is a great achievement. My pain is in control today. The pain of being a lone. The pain that I know that I have given papers to lawyer and now await a trial date. I don't think that I will find any one any time soon, but if the right person comes a long I will definately try out the relationship. But this time I know if anything feels wrong or strange and I'm not 100% with that person I will not get any further involved with them. With my H there was always this little voice that I ignored. Like when he said he'd kill himself if I ever left him. I thought that's awful but I loved him and didn't think I'd leave him, but it also kept me bound in a way from ever thinking to leave when we were going out. And there were other 'little' things. But there were also good times in our relationship even though I choose not to think about them now for fear of feeling too much. <P>Today I would love to lock myself away from the world and not go out to 'play'. But I am at work and I have a dance class to go to today. So it is with sad, painful steps that walk through today...<P>... sorry I'm morbid.

I am just venting... <P>I was just so down yesterday and to make matters worse internet connection wouldn't co-operate so couldn't even get into this site last night.<P>I went to dance class, and was miserable. That sounds weird. I just had no energy and was so depressed that not even dance class could make me feel better. I was crying as I drove home... to an empty house... I was asking myself what's the use of everything, I still don't know. I still want to lock myself inside and not go out. Curl up in bed and just sleep for weeks. Eeehhhh... what a waste of time, but that's how I feel.<P>I have a house that I am busy paying off. It is a small house, but big garden. I don't know if I should sell and move. Or rent it out. Or take in a border. Maybe if I buy new curtains and re-arrange house a bit it may feel different. But with all the memories etc it is rather depressing me.<P>Anyway as I said, I'm just venting...<P>Pantha