Two years ago I had an affair. I ended it on my own, but didn't tell the wife for almost six months. Then I didn't fully divulge information she needed. Since then, we have grown apart. Now she is asking for a divorce. She is giving me until after the holidays to get out, but she says that I need not even try to win her back because she doesn't want it anymore. I love my wife with all my being and wish I could go back and change the world, but I can't. I know that if given the chancen I could return her to those feelings she used to have for me. I just don't feel that I have anything left that she wants. What should I do?

Faithfulwife usually does this, but she is not here today, so I hope she doesn't mind if I do it for her. She provides some info for you below:<BR> --------------------------------------------------------------------------------<BR>Originally posted by FaithfulWife:<BR>Welcome Biddy…<BR>This is my general welcome post for all new people.<P>This greeting is geared toward people whose spouses had an affair (A), but since it’s general, good advice, it can help your situation as well!! <P>It has a couple of links to many of the most important MB (Marriage Builder) sites.<P>Click here ==> General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies) <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000553.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000553.html</A> <P>About your post... <P>Rather than letting go of your marriage, I suggest that you start on a Plan A... <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html</A> <BR>Check out this post Plan A - 101 (2nd ed.), by a very wise, good friend named NSR (Jim). <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000176.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000176.html</A> <P>Plan A is not just for trying to win back a spouse. It is what you should be doing to build/rebuild yourself first... and then your marriage! It is about becoming the person that you have the potential to be-—the person that God intended for you to be! It is about becoming the very best spouse you can be, whether or not your spouse is the best spouse they can be. <P>I will share with you my story a little. My H left me 1 1/2 years ago for another woman--he did have a physical affair with her. When he left, I started to learn the ways in which I had contributed to our problems and made changes for the better to myself. I began to become the woman, mother and wife that God intended for me to be. I had to learn how to forgive the past. I had to learn how to speak up for myself and be brave. I had to do a lot of humbling things. But I also learned how to have joy again, how to find satisfaction and peace within myself, and how to Give when my H was not able to give back to me. You can do it too. <P>If I were to give an intelligent guess, I would say that your spouse's lovebank is empty. You two have tried for years to reach out and try to connect and interact with each other, and eventually neither one of you had anything more to give. Imagine a pitcher of water that is constantly pouring water OUT but never getting a refill of water. It can't keep pouring out forever! Eventually, the pitcher will run dry and it will have to stop pouring out. That's what has happened here. Your spouse poured and poured and poured and finally ran dry. Now your job is not to give up--it is to think of your spouse and REFILL THEIR PITCHER. <P>You will probably have to fill the pitcher for a while without getting anything back to you to fill your pitcher, so be ready for that. It will take some time for your spouse to believe that it's true and that you are sincere, so pace yourself and rest and take care of yourself, and come here for your gripes and for some encouragement. Okay?<P>If you have drifted away from your faith (whatever that may be)consider rediscovering it. This step too, has helped countless marriages and marriage builders. <P>You are in my thoughts and prayers tonight.<P><BR>CJ<P>--------------------------------------------------------------------------------<BR>

Hi and welcome.<P>I have a few questions for you to think about. <P>Things we know: Yes you have come back to your wife. Yes you have told her what happened. Not all of it, but that is okay becasue some dirty details are better not said. All other details she deserves to have if she wants them.<P>Question: Since then, have you done everything in your power to SHOW her how much you love her, to MAKE her feel special, to MAKE her whole again? I could go on forever. <P>The thing is if you have not proven to her that you love her and give your marraige 200%, she is probably feeling very sad and lonely. I realize perhaps your marraige was not at it's best when you had the affair and maybe she had a hand in that. But something made you end it and realize you loved her and wanted your marraige to work. <P>She may be leaving because she feels neglected her self. I can tell you from experience, time heals all wounds yes. But the pain can only be healed by making her whole again.<P>Have you tried writing her a letter, telling her why you love her, why you want your marraige to work, how you feel about her, her smile, her eyes, maybe her laugh. etc. If not, try it.<P>e_w_s.

She says she knows how much I love her and how much she means to me. I have told her and written her many letters to her since this began. I have been planA as well since it began. I just don't know what else to try. I have posted a poem that I wrote to express how I understand now what she went through as I now am going through something similar emotionally speaking.<P>Pleasure and Pain<P>You have known the pleasure, and you have seen the pain.<BR>Like searching for treasure, amongst the roughest terrain.<BR>The soft-spoken whispers, alone, no one there to explain.<BR>Love’s gentle caresses, become ever so hard to attain.<BR>Love’s mysteries can drive you insane.<P>I have known the pleasure, and I have seen the pain.<BR>Like searching for treasure, amongst the pouring rain.<BR>The soft-spoken whispers, alone, in the midst of a hurricane.<BR>Love’s gentle caresses, inspiring the throbbing disgust vein.<BR>Love’s mysteries can drive me insane.<P>We have known the pleasure, we have felt the pain.<BR>Like searching for treasure, true love always so hard to maintain.<BR>The soft-spoken whispers, alone amongst a world so profane<BR>Love’s gentle caresses, comforting two in a world so inhumane.<BR>Love’s mysteries can keep us sane.<P><BR>She could only say that it was well written and that she felt sad that it was one more way I was reaching out and she couldn't be there.<P>

Hi- my H is 43 and had an affair with a single coworker that was so intense he nearly divorced me last April. He even filed on me against my will but then cancelled it. Now months later I feel as if our marriage is like the building that the plane hit- it needs to be leveled to the ground before we attempt to rebuild our marriage.I have no trust left for him. My H is not revealing what I need to know to be able to do this. It makes me angry and heartbroken inside. I fear that I will end up like your W eventually. Please realize that baring the guts of the A to her may help her even now. My H says he doesnt reveal all to spare MY feelings- the truth is its really to spare HIS feelings. He keeps his info and secrets about his A as if they were shrinkwrapped for his future use. This tears me up inside day by day. I wish you the best in trying to repair your marriage.May you have the strength to try to repair the damage. It aint over till the fat lady sings! lifeismessy

Since she came forward about her true feelings, I have laid the entire affair on the table. She hasn't budged at all. She is being quite adamant about how sure she is that she wants out. She will on occassion say that there is still love there, but not enough to make a difference. Nothing I have tried seems to have an effect. I do not want to give up, but the options are running out.<BR>