Hi. I'm new to the board. My husband and I have been together for 12 1/2 years and have three daughters ages 5, 4 and 16 months. He moved out two weeks ago under the guise of just separating and not making a mistake, etc. I found out the day after he moved out that he's been seeing someone for 6 months and took her on vacation for a week at the beginning of August. Yesterday he tells me he doesn't love me anymore and wants a divorce and it has nothing to do with the other woman. I can't believe how fast this has happened and how fast he turned on me. I have been trying plan a and only got worse! I told him yesterday that I couldn't see him anymore since he had already had the chance to fall out of love with me and I need that space so I can too. Unfortunately with the kids it's going to be tough. He has this delusion of picking them up and taking them to school etc... I had hope until yesterday because he had only taken a handful of clothes and still called and came by all the time. He just shattered my world and now I can't stop crying and I feel like I'm falling apart. How can he stop loving me and just throw me out like trash?! He wasn't even willing to try for the kids. How do I do plan B with kids involved? Should I pack up the rest of his stuff and move it in the garage? Can I legally change the locks? Should I go ahead and file for divorce to protect myself or just ride it out? I need advice! thanks

Hi, welcome to the board.<P>Faithful wife usually posts what is below, but she isn't here right now, so I hope she doesn't mind if i do it this time:<P>--------------------------------------------------------------------------------<BR>Originally posted by FaithfulWife:<BR>Welcome Aspen…<BR>This is my general welcome post for all new people.<P>This greeting is geared toward people whose spouses had an affair (A), but since it’s general, good advice, it can help your situation as well!! <P>It has a couple of links to many of the most important MB (Marriage Builder) sites.<P>Click here ==> General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies) <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000553.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000553.html</A> <P>About your post... <P>Rather than letting go of your marriage, I suggest that you start on a Plan A... <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html</A> <BR>Check out this post Plan A - 101 (2nd ed.), by a very wise, good friend named NSR (Jim). <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000176.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000176.html</A> <P>Plan A is not just for trying to win back a spouse. It is what you should be doing to build/rebuild yourself first... and then your marriage! It is about becoming the person that you have the potential to be-—the person that God intended for you to be! It is about becoming the very best spouse you can be, whether or not your spouse is the best spouse they can be. <P>I will share with you my story a little. My H left me 1 1/2 years ago for another woman--he did have a physical affair with her. When he left, I started to learn the ways in which I had contributed to our problems and made changes for the better to myself. I began to become the woman, mother and wife that God intended for me to be. I had to learn how to forgive the past. I had to learn how to speak up for myself and be brave. I had to do a lot of humbling things. But I also learned how to have joy again, how to find satisfaction and peace within myself, and how to Give when my H was not able to give back to me. You can do it too. <P>If I were to give an intelligent guess, I would say that your spouse's lovebank is empty. You two have tried for years to reach out and try to connect and interact with each other, and eventually neither one of you had anything more to give. Imagine a pitcher of water that is constantly pouring water OUT but never getting a refill of water. It can't keep pouring out forever! Eventually, the pitcher will run dry and it will have to stop pouring out. That's what has happened here. Your spouse poured and poured and poured and finally ran dry. Now your job is not to give up--it is to think of your spouse and REFILL THEIR PITCHER. <P>You will probably have to fill the pitcher for a while without getting anything back to you to fill your pitcher, so be ready for that. It will take some time for your spouse to believe that it's true and that you are sincere, so pace yourself and rest and take care of yourself, and come here for your gripes and for some encouragement. Okay?<P>If you have drifted away from your faith (whatever that may be)consider rediscovering it. This step too, has helped countless marriages and marriage builders. <P>You are in my thoughts and prayers tonight.<P><BR>CJ<P>--------------------------------------------------------------------------------<BR>

Aspen,<P>How long have you been plan A-ing. From your post it doesn't sound like very long. I think you should research further on plan and and plan b, and regarding your next steps. You will know whether you want to continue plan A or plan B.<P>When my husband moved out, he eventually filed for a divorce and got a restraining order, which is typical procedure. In the restraining order he had them put in I can not refuse him the enjoyment of the house. OHMYGOSH, this just was so incredible to me. I just kept thinking ENJOYMENT? ENJOYMENT? During this time that he had the "enjoyment of the house", I thought how unfair that he thought he had his apartment and he come still come here to the house and sit on his rear, watching tv as long as he wanted to. At one point I told my lawyer if the judge rejects my request for temporary custody of the house then that judge better put in also if he's going to enjoy the house, he'd better clean the house just like the rest of us. To his surprise, this changed in three weeks though, due to the hearing, he could no longer have this enjoyment of the house. He just thought that he was going to be able to go back and forth from his apartment to our home. It was all about losing control. Well, after the hearing, I changed the locks. Kind of proud too because I changed the locks myself, I didn't realize how easy it is to change a locks. Now if I can just figure out how to change that light in the entrance way with the over 15 foot ceiling.<P>Anyway, if you go forward with plan b or with a divorce, my lawyer has told me the locks could have been up to the point he put the restraining order on me. Although, the house was in his name too and he would have had every right to break out a window and come in anyway. <P>Good luck!<BR>ANNA<P>

He moved out two weeks ago and I let him come and go as he pleased and talked politely when he called. Didn't argue, let him have the kids etc. and he hardly moved any of his stuff out. I thought this was a good sign. Yesterday he told me he didn't love me and wanted a divorce so I'm going to plan b....packing up his stuff etc. He needs to realize he can't walk all over me. He needs to hit bottom and realize what he is losing and hopefully before I lose interest. <P>[QUOTE]Originally posted by Anna2000:<BR>[B]Aspen,<P>How long have you been plan A-ing. From your post it doesn't sound like very long. I think you should research further on plan and and plan b, and regarding your next steps. You will know whether you want to continue plan A or plan B.<P>

I dont think your H is thinking clearly. Many men my H included say that they arent in love anymore, want a divorce, re-write their marital history to make it seem worse etc. Its part of the fog part of their affair. Think of your H as temporarily insane. Mine moved out for 6 wks then back in- then filed for D on me secretly then cancelled it then didnt want to go to counseling - its been a 6 mo roller coaster ride of major proportion fueled by his single OW 's determination to get him away from me combined with his mid life crisis. H is 43 been married 15 yrs 3 kids- very typical for mid life crisis type affairs. Read Emily Browns books- she is an expert who details emotional affairs in depth. Figure out what youre really dealing with here.Also Harley gives great advice in his books Surviving an Affair- definitely get that one too.We are reconciling now and OW has moved away and H says he loves me once again. It aint over till the fat lady sings.lifeismessy

My husband says it has nothing to do with her...right!! He is very upset because I packed up his stuff and refuse to answer the phone. He is still trying to control everything. My mother was flabbergasted when he was late to pick up the kids from school then acted like nothing was wrong and when she reached for the baby he brushed past her right into the house and making demands for me to get him some stuff off the computer etc... HE IS A NUT right now. He definitely isn't thinking clearly. He wants a divorce but not the ramifications that go along with it. He even had the gall to say that the keys to MY car were his set. It was my car before the marriage!! I'm just so upset that I cant even see him or talk to him right now and yet he makes every possible attempt to stay a part of our life under the guise of the kids or he forgot something....he just can't cut the cord yet. What a big BABY!! He wants it yet can't deal with it. Hopefully plan b will wake his [censored] up! <BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by lifeismessy:<BR><B>I dont think your H is thinking clearly. Many men my H included say that they arent in love anymore, want a divorce, re-write their marital history to make it seem worse etc. Its part of the fog part of their affair. Think of your H as temporarily insane. Mine moved out for 6 wks then back in- then filed for D on me secretly then cancelled it then didnt want to go to counseling - its been a 6 mo roller coaster ride of major proportion fueled by his single OW 's determination to get him away from me combined with his mid life crisis. H is 43 been married 15 yrs 3 kids- very typical for mid life crisis type affairs. Read Emily Browns books- she is an expert who details emotional affairs in depth. Figure out what youre really dealing with here.Also Harley gives great advice in his books Surviving an Affair- definitely get that one too.We are reconciling now and OW has moved away and H says he loves me once again. It aint over till the fat lady sings.lifeismessy </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

Hi Aspen,<P>Welcome aboard! I wish you never had to come here. (That's supposed to be funny). I don't have too much to add to what has been said above but I do want you to know this site is an absolute life saver when you need to vent/scream/cry/jump up and down. I'm fairly new to this too but you have some really good company here who have been through exactly what you are going through now. So don't be afraid to ask about ANYTHING. Someone has wondered it also. Be STRONG and take comfort that no matter how it feels you are NOT alone. <P>P.S. I wonder about the name we may be neighbors.

Same damn script, different sex.<P>I makes one sick. They are crazy!!!<P>Your topic drew my immediate attention. I was at work and couldn't respond. It is the exact same feeling I felt when I was definitely on the road to divorce. Had reconciled once when she found that OM was cheating on her and I was going to file for divorce. <P>I used those exact words in a few e-mails to my best friend the first week.<P>The WSs are crazy. Selfish, controlling, nasty, guilty, etc. All the same. Horrible. Who are they? I KNOW we didn't marry them.<P>XW said that her visitation would be "inconvenient". (I have primary custody of 5yo daughter, luckily)<P>She says that I should be dating. She is so mad now that she cannot control me.<P>She, like your H, is so pissed off because she can't have her cake and eat it too.<P>She has lately been a supreme pain in the a**. She makes attempts at getting favor from daughter in order to gain custody. She tries other tactics too even though she has called me when she could not handle daughter. I recently told her that I was going to take her back to court as she is being totally irrational and unreasonable. She told me that I wasn't. She has no desire for a real fight. She just wants to undermine me to get her way. Mostly rattle her saber. My daughter is much smarter than that. We have an awesome relationship.<P>I'm going to buy a micro-cassette recorder to start a log of my dealings with her. It will come in handy should she press for custody.<P>I could go on and on, but you've already written my words.<P>As opposed to what Nina too has to say about your part in the affair, I disagree. She is stating the usual Marriage Builders line though, the only thing that I somewhat disagree with. Although some if it is right, it is NEVER your fault that the affair occurred. Divorce, yes, partly, but not the affair. You're not part of it, right? Some people have such a hole in them and get the delusion that another person can fill that hole that they go nuts. Many times, there is NOTHING you can do. The reality is that probably the OP can't either. Until a person learns to make themself happy, they CAN'T be. <P>Another poster recently got it right. Plan A and Plan B is about YOU, not them. One does Plan A so that they can legitimately say that they did everything to save the marriage and make themself a better mate. This only infuriates the WS though in most cases when the affair is in full swing. One does Plan B to protect oneself. <P>I am absolutely certain that my XW did things to me to provoke me into divorcing her.<P>I can only hope that someday she will hit bottom. I have little hope for that since the only example I have is my now-deceased mother. She ran of the the OM, my step-dad, then X step-dad, and remained a bitter, blaming person. Died of cancer, miserable.<P>Hugs and kisses<P>Strange to put it that way, but when I was where you are now, that's what I needed.<P>Some more hugs and kisses<P>Kevin<P><BR>

Quote from Kevin:<P><B>As opposed to what Nina too has to say about your part in the affair, I disagree. She is stating the usual Marriage Builders line though, the only thing that I somewhat disagree with. Although some if it is right, it is NEVER your fault that the affair occurred. Divorce, yes, partly, but not the affair. You're not part of it, right? Some people have such a hole in them and get the delusion that another person can fill that hole that they go nuts. Many times, there is NOTHING you can do. The reality is that probably the OP can't either. Until a person learns to make themself happy, they CAN'T be.</B><P>Kevin, the words I posted at the top of this thread are NOT mine, they were a cut and paste welcome thread from faithful wife.<P>I do not agree it is the BS's fault for an affair...never have because it is a CHOICE the WS makes, and we have no control over that. And from what I have read from Faithful wife, she agrees...<P>Aspen, you sound so strong!

Whoops, sorry. My mistake.<P>Apologies...<P>Kevin

My family is pushing me to go ahead and file the divorce papers to "wake him up" and to protect myself...child support, changing locks, visitation etc. So that I don't have to deal with him while in plan b. Is that recommended or are there other ways to do this while still protecting myself...he still thinks he has the right to use his key and come and go, call as he pleases. I can't put up with that any longer or else he will never hit bottom.