The other day my wife came over and things started looking promising once again. But after one day she decided to go away again. But while she was here there was a bunch of resentment and I do understand that. My question is this. She asked why I didn’t fulfill her ENs and why I didn’t offer her what she dreamed what marriage was all about. I wrote her a letter that explains that she hurt me early in our relationship and I was being selfish and wanted things to be about me for a while. The letter is too long for this board but I’ll email it to you if you think it would help with your advice. Should I give it to her?<P>About my name, I’ve considered changing but I’m not sure if I’m ready. This whole ordeal makes me feel weak and ashamed. Sometimes I wonder how I can love someone that would do this to me. That’s why I feel weak because I let her do anything to me without consequence.<BR>

Hi WM,<P>First, just a thought, if the letter is too long for here, it is probably too long for her. People here suggest no more than 2 pages in length otherwise WS lose interest before the end.<P>You can email it to me if you think it will help. As you probably know I am a BS and my H is still in the fog.<P>How about "StrivingforStrength" as a new handle...though I still like Hercules. <P>My email is jackinoz16@hotmail.com<P>I am here right now, if you like I can look at it, and get back to you.<P>

I sent you letter to your hotmail account. Sorry, I wasn’t able to send it as an attachment through yahoo so it looks longer than it really is. I do appreciate all your help. Thanks again<P>

Hi WM,<P>Hope you got my reply...<P>Here is the link I promised you.<BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/009732.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/009732.html</A> <P>Please look at this, it will lift your spirits!<P>You can email anything to me, or here, doesn't matter, I cruise around for a couple of hours every night at the moment. Helps keep my sanity!!! <P>Jacky

Nina too,<P>I read your response. Thank you so much it was very constructive and enlightening. I also wanted to thank you for the link. But I do have 2 more questions. I’m going to put the finishing touches on the letter this morning and I was wondering if I should email it to her or deliver it in person? Also, I haven’t spoke about this event to anyone. Do you think I would be out of line if I shared this story with a mutual friend of ours?<BR>

Hi WM,<P>Just got back from a "surf", had to dry my hair, heh, heh! <P>You haven't told ANYONE? Oh, I think everyone has to have a face to face confidante. Can be wearing on you and them after a while, however, just be aware of that.<P>Choose carefully, you don't want whoever it is to run to her with all your deepest revelations, and it could be a very, very big LB.<P>My H knew my friend, and knew I was talking with her...I told him she knew the whole story. He phoned her and said he was glad I had someone to talk to, pity he didn't. She felt this was an invitation for her to hear his side, but she didn't bite.<P>When he decided to cheat the second time, she phoned him and told him he better tell me, or she would, as he chose to flaunt his hussy in front of all my friends. <P>So a mutual friend can actually be handy...tell me how good a friend is this person to each of you? Does this person relate more to you or your wife, do they have a big mouth in other issues? Be really careful. I trusted my friend and she has never let me down.<P>As for the form the letter should take, personal or email,...well I have heard of one person sitting down with WS and going through the letter point by point...if WS wanted to ask Q's along the way, this was encouraged. You have the advantage/disadvantage of seeing reactions, body language, etc.<P>BUT, maybe the less personal way is better, because if she responds in a negative way, you don't have to SEE it, and also she is given time to respond to it, which may reduce HER LB's to you.<P>However, I know my H doesn't respond to any of my emails, except business. I sent him a photo from our D's birthday yesterday, and he didn't acknowledge it.<P>Don't forget, you shouldn't have any expectations when doing Plan A. Good ones that is! If you are like most of us here, you can usually predict the bad reactions.<P>Well, I haven't given my OPINION yet, of what I woud do!!!<BR>So, I would talk to someone, actually a few people are better than one, because you can then spread your grief around and not be sad sack to always the same person.<P>Second, my preference, because of my H's non-response to emails, is to give him the letter personally. i don't have that choice now of course, as i am in another country...but when i do send it, it will be hard copy, not email...harder to trash in just one second!!!<P>Just my opinions, you know what will work best with your W.<P>Love and light,<P>Jacky

She’s actually a good friend of hers but over time we have (her friend and I) have become close too. Strangely enough my wife hasn’t really spoke to her much about what’s going on. She doesn’t know about the affair and why my wife left. The friend supports our marriage and thinks I’ve been wonderful and understanding during these tough times. That’s why I think I can talk to her. But your right, I don’t want to get my wife upset by doing so. That is my dilemma. Also, I decided to send the letter via email. These things should have been said a long time ago and I don’t want to put it off any longer.