Folks,<BR>Back in March/April this year, the wife took a business trip Charlotte for some accounting. Nothing big. Anyway, after she got back, noticed that her cell was getting calls and when I would answer, the person would hang up. Well, wife's cell bill came to my place I opened it and noticed calls to Richmond, Va, I called the number and a guy answered. I hung up (this was in August). Looking back, I remember my wife mentioning a guy who sat next to her during the class, he was an accountant, and she said she remembers meeting him at here office before. Anyway, I thought nothing of it. Now the cell bill. Talked with a mutal friend of ours that works with wife. She knows the guys dad (used to work with her and my wife) and his son is an accountant with Bank of America. Anywho, this has the smell of affair. Wife took her rings off beginning of August. The calls were made (to him) first week in August. This coupled with the wanting Saturdays and Sundays (he is in Richmond) lead me to believe she is involved somehow.<P>What should I do? Ask her about it? Should I mention him?<P>Advice asap please

If it smells like a rat, and looks like a rat and acts like a rat, it's a rat.<P>She's not going to tell you anything unless she wants to RobC. Sorry, but if you read my post today you'll see why I know this. <P>I think however you can try asking, but only if you really want to know the worst possible answer there could be. And I think you should kind of work out what you will say and do if she does confess.<P>People here always recommentd the first thing out of your mouth should be "Thank you for being honest with me.' I am sure that creates a wonderful impression of you that she won't see until she's out of the fog, but also it will make her feel as guilty as heck. <P>My H still hasn't confessed to the most recent A; it doesn't matter cos I know what's going on and he knows I know, and he's too gutless to tell me for some obscure reason only known to him.<P>Sorry if this is negative, that's how I am today.

Rob will it help you in any way to hear the words from her mouth? How will it make you feel to have it confirmed?<P>I didn't really think my H was having an affair. "He wasn't like that". Yeah sure! Well then I started to think why wouldn't he come back etc etc. So I thought maybe he was, but still didn't really think so. So when I eventually got to see him last October I asked him "Is there someone else?". He looked at me and said would it make a difference. I said "Yes, I would forgive you". He looked at me for a really long time and I got this sick feeling in my stomach. Then he said yes... Well emotions were heightened I wanted to know who it was and so eventually he left. I cried hysterically after that. I called a woman he worked with, I clutched at all straws. Then he started phoning, and I didn't answer the phone. He left messages like "leave my work colleagues out of this". He was angry. Then later left message "only now I realise how much you love me". He tried phoning for the next 2 days. I never answered. I had to deal with the shock first. Then I phoned him and we spoke and that's when I said we could still try. He said he would give me an answer the next day!! He did and he said he wanted to try, but he first, according to him, ended it with the OW. Only later I found out that she is the receptionist at his work and they basically had daily contact! <P>Well what I had was a changed man that came home, changed for the worst. And now we are going through a divorce. <P>That's my experience for what its worth.<P>Pantha<p>[This message has been edited by Pantha (edited September 20, 2001).]

Rob,<P>Can I ask you some questions? <P>How long have you and your wife been separated? I noticed back in 99 you wrote ya'll separted and she took her rings off. Did you guys get back together in between?<P>How long have you been plan A-ing? I seem to remember you said one month recently, but maybe I'm wrong.<P>Has she asked for a divorce?<P>Anyway just curious.<P>ANNA<P>

Thanks all for the feedback!<P>Anna,<BR>Yes she took them off immediately in 99 and said from day one she wanted a divorce. Now, it took two months (just prior to the phone calls to guy in VA), but has not said she wants divorce except for our meeting on the separation agreement. She said back in June, "At this point, right now, I want a divorce". She has not mentioned it since. However, the guy whos number showed up on the cell phone bill, father worked with my wife. She met him in Charlotte at an accounting conference back in March or April.<P>Right now, she says that she cannot hold out hope and that she is hurting. She has become friendlier. My thoughts are that she doesnt know what to do. That she doesnt want to "burn any bridges" should she be seeing this guy. You know. I want to know either way. Honestly, I have had this in my gut all along, but the pieces are falling into place. Honestly, I can and have forgiven her. But it is the lying and TREACHERY that is required to do these things. I believe the saturday/sunday thing is to allow her to see this guy as VA is about 8-9 hour drive. Any thoughts? Should i confront her?

AS I said before, if you REALLY want the answers, confront her! But be prepared.

Rob,<P>So, you guys have been separated for 2 years ? <P>I hope you don't take all this wrong, but...She has pretty much said, she don't want in the marriage. She doesn't want to try. She refuses counseling. She's said it's over. I think she just considers your marriage to her to be over and although there is no divorce decree for whatever reason she may feel she wants and has the right to start dating again. To me, if she feels this way I don't understand why she doesn't file first before dating. This is unfair to you. Also, just because she is seeing this guy, does not mean she is sleeping with him. She may just have a friendship with him. Although if she does, I'm sure she is considering more, when the time is right.<P>I have to think of my own situation when I think of what she may be thinking. I feel my marriage is over with my husband. Although unlike your situation, he's filed for divorce and the divorce will be finalized next month. After my husband moved out, I met a guy and became friends with him. We never talked romance at first and it was kept strictly friendship and also business was involved. I just recently took the relationship further and went out on a date a couple of weeks ago with him. I won't sleep with him or anyone until the divorce is final and then I still won't for a long, long time, but I still went out on a date. However, I did find that I can't handle dating until after the divorce is final and won't do that again. Everyone is different though. There are spouses out there that think if it's over and they are divorcing they can date anytime they want. This may be your wife's thinking. <P>This guy, whatever kind of relationship there is with your wife, doesn't sound like it has anything to do with the reasons you guys are separated. If there was a relationship and she broke up with him, you guys will still have your problems. It sounds like she found this guy almost two years after moving out. <P>Ok, to answer your question. Yes, I do think you should ask her in a non threatening way, whether she is seeing this other male and if she has strong feelings for the other male. After all you guys are still legally married and no one has filed for a divorce. I'd say you have the right to know. This may help you to decide what to do in the future.<P>I don't think I got an answer on one question. If she moved out two years ago, then how long have you been plan-Aing? Has it been two years? If it has been two years. I'd suggest some research, it seems like I read somewhere that plan A should only last a maximum of 6 months, I could be wrong on that, so research it. If it has only been a month or two then what was done in a marriage for years and years, can't just be undone in two months. Since she's been gone two years though, I would think it would make it even harder to undo. <P>Another suggestion is the same suggestion I gave Goodguy. If you have not talked to Dr. Harley...IT'S TIME TO CALL HIM! I think he can help answer a lot of your questions and really make a difference.<P>Rob, I think you're a great guy and I really do hope she sees your changes some day, but if she doesn't, some lady will be very lucky for the changes you have made.<P>Take care,<P>ANNA<P>

I think Plan A is a minimum of six months-eighteen months maximum.

Anna,<BR>Thanks for your support and encouragement. I apologize about not answering question 1. We have been separated since June 11, 2001. Almost 4 months. She met this guy in March/April 2001. She had his business card in her wallet. I saw it when I got some money and she said she met him at the accounting seminar in March/April. I trusted her at that time.<BR> I am pretty much okay with it. I have forgiven her. I was not always there for her alot. I understand I didnt meet her emotional needs. To busy with my problems. I just want the truth so that I can either move on or wait. Honestly, I hurt a little, but I am going to be just fine. I thank you for your kind words, it is a great big world and I know I will find someone. I am content - today. I can live with that!

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Nina too:<BR><B>I think Plan A is a minimum of six months-eighteen months maximum.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Wow!!! That long!!!! Eighteen months!!! Geeez.<P>Well thanks Nina for clearing that one up. I did have a feeling I might have that wrong.<P>ANNA

Also, my only concern is her moving away with the kids eventually. That would hurt. She expressed great joy in my finding a large 2bdrm apartment closer to the kids. She really seemed happy for me. Maybe those calls were to end the thing. I have emailed her about it and asked her to talk about it. I wasnt angry and I am not now. I love her and can live with or without her. I just hate the lying and treachery. Either way, I will be O.K!

Anna/Nina,<BR>Can I get your email addresses? Mine is biggunrc@hotmail.com. I had some other "womanly" questions to ask

Rob,<P>Thanks for clearing that up. I had thought she moved out two years ago when you first learned she was unhappy. My mistake.<P>Well, keep us posted.<P>ANNA<BR>

Rob,<P>Sure it's zzanna2000@yahoo.com. <P>Also, Nina, I'd love to receive your email too.<P>ANNA<P>