When I first came to this site I was an emotional mess. My wife was gone for about 2 months and I didn’t know how my life got so messed up. I started to read all the postings and articles and then I got up the courage to post a few of my own questions. Everyone would say that I needed to change my name. But I couldn’t. I felt so ashamed that my wife had left me and about the affairs. She cheated on me when we first got engaged, had an affair last year (2 ½ years into marriage) and is having one right now. I was so ashamed that I didn’t tell family or friends that she left me or about the affairs. Then I wrote her a letter the other day (thanks for your help Nina too) explaining why I didn’t meet her ENs. How could I, she never allowed closer after cheating on me while we were engaged. When I tried to talk about it she said, “I chose to marry you” as that was enough. <P>But this weekend everything changed. You might remember my earlier thread about seeing the OMs car at her apartment. You guys gave me a lot of grief on that one. I really wasn’t “spying”. I actually posted a response on that thread to help better explain the situation. But that whole event and some other things that happened really wore me out. I couldn’t function at work so I asked my boss if I could speak with him. I didn’t tell him about the affair but I did tell him that my wife had left me and I was going to take the rest of the week off to collect my thoughts. Then I started to feel a little better. It was strange. I’ve been keeping these emotions to myself because I was so ashamed, but telling people actually made me feel better. So I told some more friends and even spoke freely about the affair. And each time I told someone I felt a little stronger. I’m not sure if I’m quite ready to tell my family that she has left and about the affairs but I’m getting there. <P>I feel like an enormous weight has been lifted off my shoulders. The numbness has gone away and I’m feeling emotions I haven’t felt in a very long time. I feel ALIVE. I still miss my wife but now I almost feel sorry for her. She’s suffering through a lot of pain right now and it was very visible this weekend. I know she hates what she’s doing but continues to lie to herself to justify her actions. I hope one day she realizes how destructive her behavior is or she’ll never find happiness. But I don’t know if she has the strength to admit to herself that she has committed these horrible acts. <P>I’ll continue to visit this site, as I’m sure I’ll be sad or angry some days and will need support from all my new friends. And I’ll also continue to offer my support when you’re feeling down. <P>You can now call me Purple Tang. Purple Tangs are some of the most beautiful fish found in the Red Sea. They gracefully sweep the reef eating micro algae and their colors are so vibrant. They are gentle creatures but have spikes at the base of their tail to defend themselves against even the most aggressive predators. <P>I completely bumbled my new name. Originally I was going to use PurpleTang (no space) but I so excited to change my name I entered the wrong email address. I hope that password went into cyber space. Oh well. Thanks for everything.<BR>

PT,<P>What an incredibly cool post! Awesome!<BR>You are going to be just fine!<P>ANNA<BR>

Oh PURPLE TANG,<P>What an incredible way you have come!!!!!<P>So, so proud of you!!!<P>See? This site does help!!!!!!!<P>Oh I am so excited for you LOL!!<P>RAH!! RAH!! RAH!!<P>Well thank YOU for the thank you on that letter, PT! Glad I could help. Did you get a response?<P>What you said about how could you meet her emotional needs when she had cheated and shut herself off? I bet my H was the same.<P>You have made my day today, thanks!!!

Nina too,<P>I really do appreciate your help with that letter. Once I sent it to her I was soooo relieved. She didn’t respond for a while so I called later that day to see if she got it. I think she was reading it at the time. She said she got about half way through it and sounded pretty sad. I’m not going to contact her for a few days and give her some time to think about it. I’ll let you know what happens.<BR>

Good for you Purple Tang-<P>I too hid the affair from people for a long time. As I have gone public with it people have been incredibly supportive. Unlike what the WH and OW are experiencing! I am also learning so much about myself. I too feel sad for my WH. Sad, but not sorry. He hurt me and my children too much but in the end it is he who is really the confused loser. Keep posting and take care of yourself!<P>K

You make sure you do keep us up to date PT!<P>On the hiding his A stuff, I did that too, but now I am back home I am telling my need-to-know-so-they-can-support-me friends.<P>I had a really supportive letter from one of my friends in Mozambique, who said when H gets there he will never be treated the same...now that is from people who don't know about the A's. It is so comforting. <P>My folks know of the most recent 'girlfriend' not of anything else. It would make them commit murder. I suspect his family know more than they are telling me...but he has said they don't. Why should I believe a word he says? They are ANGRY at him, and why, if he just felt the marriage wasn't right, as he told me he said to them...no way, someone asked a question, and he told the truth..I suspect his OS who left her M for an A. She has a big mouth.<P>All the better for me...I don't HAVE to bad mouth him. <P>RELY on your friends, they are there for you!!! So are we !!!

Great new name Purple Tang! If you had named yourself yellow tang, I would have hit you over the head with my mouse!