<P>Because of shame I am feeling, I haven't written all the problems I am going through right now. My STBX and I are filing personal and business bankrupcy, on top of the divorce. I feel like such a dead beat.<P>The phone is continually ringing off the hook from creditors wanting their money. I never ever thought I would stoop to file bankrupcy and get out of paying my bills. These bills are due to our business, but they've all got personal guarantees on all of them, so we have to do personal bankruptcy as well.<P>The business was doing really good two years ago, but last year while the merging of major companies was great for the corporations, it hurt us. We lost clients and the debts built up so quickly, I am still amazed.<P>The phones been ringing all day from creditors who want there money. <P>I got a call from one of my children's teachers. My child hasn't turned in 8 assignments. I handled it pretty well, but I know she could tell my voice was shaky at times.<P>Then as soon as I hung up, I got a call from the State asking if I got the letter for the audit on our company books. OMGOSH! I didn't know about a letter! I told her our business is closing and my husband and I are divorcing and somehow I must of over looked the letter. She told me I was suppose to be there today and asked if another time would be better. All of a sudden I started loosing it and barely could say to her "Can I call you back?" Hanging up I cried hysterically. I think I just lost it for a while.<P>Anyway, I've been on here just reading about all the other posts and trying to respond. A couple of postings were on telling people about their problems and how it feels better to get it out in the open. Now, feeling a little more collected, I guess I just need to write my feelings. Hopefully this will help.<P>As our marriage was falling apart, so was our business. My husband actually had the gall one day to tell me the reason I wanted out of our marriage was because I wanted a guy with more money who could support me. WOW! I think he even had trouble swallowing that garbage. I've never been a materialistic person and never cared about money and he knows it.<P>Anyway, I'm working on shutting the business down and then I have to get a job. I am suppose to have all the books and paper work, taxes filed and reports taken care of by the end of November, but I think I'll be able to wrap most of it up enough to get a job in two to three weeks. My stbx is jobless also. I have noticed too that he is totally falling apart. He's getting depressed. In his mental state I wonder if he'll find a job. I worry if he doesn't get it together soon, how he'll be able to even pay child support. How will he be able to be the father he needs to be for the children also.<P>It is so hard working on the books and seeing the final ending of our business and the absolute mess it is in now. I have a sickening feeling in my stomach as I work on reconsiling all the accounts and finish the taxes.<P>There are times I do have some resentment towards my stbx. I think mainly right now, today, I am just feeling sorry for myself. I have the the total responsibility of closing the books. It wouldn't have bothered me so much but the weekend we moved out of our office/warehouse, he went fishing. Houston was having floods and it rained the whole week and the weekend we had to be out. He left his responsibilities to go fishing! He left me with an over 3000 sf office/warehouse to totally clean out. It's just like him to do that too. Whenever he is faced with something he can't handle, he leaves it to me to handle. Now, as I write this, I feel so much guilt for feeling sorry for myself. I know he brought this all on himself, but I feel I am not being totally fair. He has lost his wife, his business, his home and his family as he knew it, so I think he just couldn't handle moving out. He did get his friends at the last minute to buy most of the stuff in the warehouse and mainly because I think their friends felt sorry for me trying to clean it out. his friends totally emptied the warehouse for me. Which only left me the offices. What a huge help that was. Also if he would have been there that weekend. His anger probably would have just made things worse. Well i'm starting to ramble now.<P>Anyway, with the phone ringing with creditors, the call from my son's teacher and then the call from the State saying our books are now being audited. I just fell apart for a while. Even though there's nothing in the books to make me worry, I hate the thought of having to go through boxes and our books to get whatever it is they need and drive up to the State office, meeting and reviewing our all this with them. It's just one more thing I must do. One more inconvenience when I so want to just push this business under a rug and never deal with it again. <P>Thanks for listening.<P>ANNA

(((((((((((((((((Anna))))))))))))))))))))<P>I am really tired now, it's 3am. I will come back tomorrow and try to give you some comfort.<P>Love and light,<P>Jacky

(((((Anna)))))<P>I’m so sorry to hear the pain of today. I can only imagine how you feel. All this stuff hitting you at once. Try to take a deep breath and relax. Tragic events happen every day and unfortunately today was your day. We are all here for you. Don’t feel shame. You’re doing a good job of being a mother, you’ve taken responsibly in closing the business, and it doesn’t sound like your H is pulling his weight. You are under a tremendous amount of stress right now and that’s OK. You will feel better, just give it some time. <BR>

Anna,<BR>This site is a wonderful place to open up and share the experience and sadness you are going through. It helps me heal when I talk about things. Don't ever think you are the only one with major problems and don't feel embarassed, remember there will always be someone else in a worse situation than yourself. You know most of my story and you are lucky your STBX doesn't play the head games with you that my X did.<P>I too felt like my X always ran and left me to clean up the mess or figure out a way to pay the bills. We were $23,000 in debt, I got stuck with $10,000 by myself and I paid that off by myself. You have excellent accounting skills and the knowledge to work with numbers and figure out ways to make it. Finding a job in this large town will not be a problem for you because you are a fighter and a survivor. <P>It's O.K. to cry and let the stress out. There was a time during my divorce that I just couldn't understand how he could be so mean to his own blood, his own children and turn them away. I cried and cried, then realized the effect it had on my girls. After that, I woke up and saw the light ---- (he wants me to cry and he wants to brainwash me into believing I cannot make it without him). From then on, I turned his mind games around. When he did something totally irrational, I just figured out a way around it and didn't get upset. I told the girls, lets brainstorm and figure out another way. I have taught them valuable lessons by doing this --- they know they can survive and its not the end of the world. They know things will get better, but you have to be patient and that is the hardest task you will ever be faced with.<P>Anna, this will make you a stronger person. Take it from someone that has been there and done that. I understand what you mean when you say he is depressed because his little world is crashing in on him. Your situation is very similiar to mine because I did everything before, mow the grass, pay the bills, take the girls to all their events, clean the house, wash the clothes, wash the cars, etc..... I did this because he "was and still is" going to law school. And who put him through law school? I did. I tried to make it easy on him by doing everything, but someone didn't appreciate it because they were very selfish, self centered, controlling and insecure. I have to give him credit for still going to law school through the divorce, but he has really hurt the relationship with the girls. I have to be the good person and not talk bad about him in front of the girls and tell them he is still their dad and you should respect him. They love him, but the love is very different from my love for them. I have always been the reliable, dependable, truthful one and they know that. Always remember, what goes around comes around. Kids notice more than you think, they just process it in their minds and don't say much. They talk with their friends on their level.<P>You are a strong person and a survivor. Anna you will make it. I told the creditors we were going through a divorce and as soon as the divorce was final, they would get their money. Some got mad, but I just told myself it was out of my hands. It took me a couple of years to clean my credit up, but I did it all by myself. Hang in there and vent on this forum if you need too. There will always be people here to support you!!!!!<P>