I originally posted this at another site, but failed to get any responses. Can someone here give me their input?<BR>Thank you.<P><BR>Hello, Everyone:<BR>It has been a while since I posted, but I have been reading the whole time.<BR>I need an opinion. My wife has asked me for a divorce, and I have been devastated for a long time, but I have gotten to the point where I can sleep and can get my work done.<BR>The advice or opinion I need is about this:<BR>When my wife 'left' me (we still live in the same house) she started spending a great deal of time with people who had been MY friends before the trouble between my wife & me. These people are a man, who was my friend from work, and his mother, with whom he lives. I know that my wife has had a crush on this guy and has become really close to his mother, but they HAD been MY friends. My wife has been spending 4 out of 5 nights at their house, spending weekends with them, going away on weekends with them, sometimes not coming home at all. I have my suspicions about her involvement with this guy, though my wife swears up & down that nothing is going on. What is definite is the fact that my W has been hanging out with this guy's mom A WHOLE LOT. These people have become her new family.<BR>Tonight, this guy's mom called our house to talk to my W and I am angry at that. Do I have a right to be PO'd at this?<BR>This woman has been a party to the dis-solution of my marriage. Does she have a lot of nerve to call my house or am I too sensitive?<BR>Thank you for any help,<BR>vb_guy<P>

So this is an in-house separation? Both living in the same house but separated?<P>I would say if she was not living with you, there would not be much you could say about who she socialises with, particularly because you wouldn't know. And I don't know if there is now either. She'll probably just tell you she can do what she wants.<P>It is hurtful when friends are lost because they take sides, and more so when they were your friends to begin with. Before this happened to us, we always tried not to take sides when our friends split up, but, and I don't mean to hurt you here, there were times when we tried to remain friends with both, and one of the couple couldn't deal with it. These people seemed to want all of our support or none. Is it possible you may have inadvertantly given that impression to the woman? And if you did, I don't blame you BTW, it's her son who is the OM!!!<P>Okay, that aside, your w is going to try and set people up in her sphere of life to accept what she is doing and like her for it. She is looking for acceptance of her poor behaviour. Also being "in" with his mother makes her look better to OM. We call this crawling in Australia. She is probably furthering her friendship with the woman because the woman is the ONE person most likely in the world to support it...after all OM IS her son. So W realises this, and makes a real friendship play for Mother.<P>Well I hope this helped a little.<P>BTW, why do you call yourself vb-guy...in Oz VB stands for Victoria Bitter, a brand of beer.

I think it is time for her to make a choice. I don't believe in "in house" separation. She is getting her cake and eating it to. She has no motivation to change. She has it all. The relationship she has with this guy (even if it is just friends) is inappropriate. You can call it an emotional affair. I think tell her if she wants to continue the "frienship" she needs to move out. But be ready to follow thru with that threat.

Iagree with not heard.<BR>If she is still living under your roof then something is still holding her there. Do you know why?<BR>I think it is rude of this mans mother and him fpr mpt cpnsidering your feelings. Let it be known that it is ok to be friends with the opposite sex but only when there is true honesty.<BR>I do think if she asked for a divorce then she needs to move out. If this should happen be ready for the possibility that she might move in with this guy. I know this hurts but right now it is time to thimk of you and what is right for you.<BR>I wish you luck. Happiness comes fro within my friend.<BR>Pls keep me posted<P>Wishing you well <BR>Janet

Thank you very much Nina too, notheard, & JJ71197 for your replies. I appreciate your time and thoughtfulness more than you could ever know.<P>My main problem with this whole thing is that my W can not see my POV at all and will not grant me even the slightest possiblity that my feelings have any validity.<P>I am upset that she does not love me anymore, or claims not to. I am upset that she has made these people, my old friends, her new "family". She would take great issue, and has, with this characterization of events, especially the "new family" bit.<P>She may not be having an affair with this guy, but circumstantial evidence at least suggests that she is.<BR>I do not know. I do know that she does not want me anymore.<P>She is still under my roof because I love her and cannot bear to ask her to leave. I know it does not make sense, but I still feel a deep need to take care of her and see that she is safe. <P>I think that if she moved out that there is at least some poosiblity that she would move in with this guy, but I can think of no faster way for the bloom to fade from this possible realtionship than for them to move in together, so that might not be a bad thing.<P>I feel betrayed by these people to a large degree, but I also feel that it is as much their loss as it is mine.<P>Nina too, I am a computer programmer whose main programming laguage is called Visual Basic, hence the vb in vb_guy.<BR>I think that the VB in Victoria Bitter is MUCH better than the VB in Visual Basic! MUCH more fun!<P>Thank you all again for yor time and caring,<BR>I will pray for you all,<P>VictoriaBitter_guy

VB Guy,<BR>Well you know I really hate to say this to ya but, you are prolonging something that is not there. You are prolonging the hurt and pain this woman has given you. She does not want you to take care of her. No offense but I think you need to respect what she wants let her go. Not that she deserves respect from you but you need to respect yourself. You can make it thru this. We are all here for you. Please look out for yourself here it is time to think of no# uno now.....<BR>Wish you luck and well<BR>Janet

VB_guy,<P>I'm a VC++ guy. Anyway, I would recommend that you take a little more time to think about this and decide what you want. I recommend that you read James Dobson's "Love Must be Tough". It is another approach to dealing with an affair. It was the most sensible thing I have read since my W moved out. It's not quite the same approach as MB, but I think Dobson has a really vital point. If your W is having an affair (emotional or physical), the root of the problem is a loss of respect. She doesn't respect you. She doesn't value you. You have to change that, because if she doesn't respect you, she will never really love you (except as something like pity). In order for her to respect you, you have to stand up to her - to say "This is unacceptable". Better read the book, get it direct from the source.<P>I, like you, want to "take care" of my W. She doesn't want to be taken care of. She wants to be accepted as an equal, not as a junior member of the marriage. In my case, she is much younger and me - and herself admits that she has been immature in her actions. But still, it goes both ways. She wants to be respected by a man who she can also respect.<P>-AD<p>[This message has been edited by AbandonedDad (edited September 23, 2001).]

Hello JJ71197, AbandonedDad, notheard, & Nina too:<BR>I agree with everything that you are saying. My W does not respect me, does not really love me, and does not want me to take care of her (though she will accept the help!).<BR>We will be meeting with a divorce mediator later this coming week and will be hashing out a separation agreement in prelude to the D. In the agreement I will make sure that there is language spelling out that she must leave the house by such & such a date. She has been looking for an apartment, but I guess that she has not put her heart into it, because she has no pressing need to.<BR>I still can't believe that the woman who is almost never here, and who has no need to talk to me, is the same woman who was once so in love with me. We shall see. I do believe that the only way she will regain any respect for me is to let her go and see what is out there in the world. I think that she has no idea. I also think that if she behaves with this new family, affair or not, because I have no proof, the way she has behaved with me, they will give her the boot in two seconds. Not everybody in the world puts up with s**t and still loves you.<P>Thanks again for the input,<BR>vb_guy<P>AbandonedDad:<BR>I have always felt a little inferior to the C++ guys! That's why I bought a book from aPress called C++ for vb programmers. I think that VB hides too much from a programmer and that there are guys out there who have programmed only in VB who have no idea what is really going on under the hood, because they don't have to. They wouldn't know what a pointer was if it pointed up their a%%!<BR>What do you think of VS.NET?<P><BR>vb_guy

VB_guy,<P>Thanks for noticing my post. So often I post and nobody says anything back to me. So, thanks.<P>I no nothing about .net. I'm a dynosaur, I suppose. I never learned VB because I learned basic back in '75 and well... thought we had moved beyond that, but I've played with VB a little, and I think it's pretty cool. Why not hide some stuff if you don't have to know about it. But, I think we both would be better off knowing both languages. I think C++ is easier to learn - for folks like me. I go nuts if I don't know all the insides of the thing - and the insides of VB are incredibly complex. C++ is complex too - but if you learn C and then add on the C++ stuff, and used assembler, then you know everything that is happening (except in the libraries).<P><BR>But about the wives (why we are here), I can say that part of that loss of respect is our fault (us H's). I've been like a mouse so much of the time. My marriage counselor said "I don't see you in this marriage at all. It's all about her". I'm not sure what he means exactly, but I understood it to mean that I basicly said to her "what do you want" and tried to get it for her - "what do you want to do" and tried to do it with her - "where do you want to go" and tried to go there with her. I forgot what I wanted, what I wanted to do, where I wanted to go. I still don't remember. I let her set the agenda almost all the way through. She didn't want that responsibility, but she was not often going along with what I wanted (tho to hear her version it was the other way around). But anyway, my W wants a man who is ambitous - who is going somewhere - who will stand up to her. Maybe your W wants some of that too.<P>-AD

Well, a BIG HELLO to AbandonedDad!!! <P>Yes, it is about respect in a lot of ways. I had noticed my H's lack of respect, y'know I was a dummy if I didn't know stuff, he would actually KICK me under the table if I said something HE didn't agree with, to tell me to shut up...hurt me beyond belief, but although he DID stop the kicking, he never could get the "Gee she's boring" look off his face. <P>This had happened for many years and I could never understand what was going on...well how can you think someone is smart when you have had X number of A's, given them 2 std's and the stupid woman doesn't know? OOPS sorry I shouldn't be venting here on your thread...<P>Okay, respect is earned by you, but it can be taken away from you, depending on what has happened that you aren't aware of. That was my point above. So now you have to gain it again. How???<P>Well, Plan A of course...the WS isn't dumb, they know how much they have hurt you and here you are - in Plan A being nice, courteous, kind, thoughtful and never giving them any grief...this SOUNDS like they will think "What a jerk!!!"; for a while they probably do. But when it is consistent, and longer term, they start to think about it more, and realise it takes strength of character to be that way. My H said as much to me before I left. Strength of character....I know for a fact that he didn't think I had any. <P>BTW you two computer whizzes, I know of a guy on another board who needs a question answered...it is a snooping question regarding using Recovery4All to retrieve deleted emails. He doesn't know what to do once he has downloaded it.<P>I'll post the link in a minute, if either of you can help, he would appreciate it.<P>Love and light,<P>Jacky<P><BR>Back again, here's that link:<BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/012681.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/012681.html</A> <p>[This message has been edited by Nina too (edited September 23, 2001).]

Hey Abandoned Dad how are you?<BR> <BR>Ok anyway. To a opion on your new post VB. Do not give her the option to stay. And yes you are right you need to let her go. But pls don't sit by the phone to wait for it to ring. Yes let her see what is out there. What happens if she fails? Will you take her back unconditionally? If so for how long till she wanders again? These are some things you need to keep in the back of your mind. I am not trying to sound negative. I do not want to see you get hurt anymore. You do not deserve it.<BR>Remember you are the better person here.<BR>Wishing you well<BR>Janet

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by JJ71197:<BR><B>Hey Abandoned Dad how are you?<BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P><BR>I've got a job interview on Monday. So, that's good, but I'm scared - and I have to start going to bed earlier and getting up earlier - cause the interview is early and if I get the job, I'll have to get back on a regular schedule. <P>On the home? front, W won't let me even touch her. <P>Thanks for asking.<P>-AD<BR><p>[This message has been edited by AbandonedDad (edited September 28, 2001).]