Wow! I had always thought I didn't miss my stbx when he left in June because he had beat me up three years ago and I didn't love him anymore. Well, after reading a vent post on emotional needs from Saga Man (the posting titled something like "No garlic on my steak puhhh-lease") and responding with my own vent on his post to my stbx it occurred to me as I was venting and typing that the reason I never missed him is because none of my emotional needs were met!!! I think the day he beat me up, just beat sense into me. I realized that I was getting taken advantage of every day.<P>He tells me I am cold and insensitive because I don't miss him and because I seem to calm about it all. There were times I did feel guilty and I thought, has him beating me up made me so cold. Well, that's not it. It's that over 17 years, none of my EN's were met. How do you miss someone when over the years they never give you what you need, only take what they need. There's not a reason to miss him!<P>I do understand now why Dr. Harley says that you should fulfill your spouses needs for 6 to 18 months. One reason being in case these EN's haven't been met, they need reasons to miss you when you go into plan B. Although, some in here I think did meet there spouses EN's while married and there's no more they can do to make their spouse miss them. <P>Well, because of the physical abuse my stbs could plan A all he wants and I'd never want him back. It's too late for us. Although I do also realize he never will plan A. It's always been and always will be about his needs.<P>ANNA

Hi Anna,<BR>Its amazing sometimes how the light just goes on! Amazing.<BR>My has been going on all day. While I might have done my part in the marriage destruction, I cant really blame my wife, I want to cheated plenty - I just didtnt. Well, sadly, I believe that my wife did try hard to meet my EN and I did all I could, but mentally and spiritually I just wasnt there 100%. I really CHOSE to let my past trap me - huge mistake.<P>There is a saying: "Good Judgement comes from experience, experience comes from bad judgement"<P>I sent you an email by the way. Thanks for your input.<P>

Rob,<P>Thanks! You are right, a new light goes off every day. As we write and vent, I think we all realize how much this helps us to see the things we need too.<P>BTW, I just emailed you back. Well, back to work.<P>Take care,<P>ANNA<BR>

Anna,<BR>I too never really missed my ex and it was because I was emotionally withdrawn from the marriage many years before I decided to leave. Yes, I cried because of the crap he put me through, but never because I missed him. I found myself not being able to rely on him and I made up excuses for his outrageous behavior in front of my family and friends. Now that I look back, how could I have been so naive or stupid ----- it was because I protected my girls.<P>And you are so right when you say it was always about his needs, his wants and his desires. In a twisted way, I was the one that felt guilty if I didn't succomb to his every need and desire. I gave and gave so many times -----unconditionally. I now understand I did it for my girls so I wouldn't put them through the hurt and pain of a divorce. I was so miserable the last year or so in my marriage that I was beginning to hate myself for the person I was turning in to.<P>I don't know if he will ever understand what he did to me and how it damaged my soul. But for his new wife's sake, I hope he has learned from his mistakes and selfishness and will not hurt her like he did me!!!!!

Elliott,<P>Thanks for the post. I don't think either of our husbands will ever get it. They are too into themselves really look and see why there lives have so many problems. I also think when he loses his next wife, he'll still think life just threw him a bunch of lemons. They will never get it. They are making their own beds!<P>ANNA<P>