I recently discovered this website and was intrigued by the information. I thought I would tell you my story and see what some of you thought.<P>I have been married for 16.5 years, and have 3 children - 15, 13 and 7. I have been unhappy for probably most of the marriage if not all. The circumstances surrounding my "wedding" (actually we eloped) were very stressful and confusing. My parents were not in favour of the marriage - in fact my father said "if you marry him you will be under a lot of pressure". Little did I know how true those words would become. My parents did not feel my husband-to-be had found his niche in life or knew what he wanted to do and boy did I have the blinders on. We had only dated for 9 months before we eloped, after having cancelled a big wedding 11 days before, and trying to elope a few months later. I was in so much turmoil over the decision to marry. Even though both of us were Christians, I couldn't get my parents comments out of my head. I was tormented for years later for having eloped and depriving myself of a proper wedding. I was 31 years old when I married and felt so desparate I couldn't see waiting any more. Anyway I suppose that is all water under the bridge. I had hoped God would have brought me someone who had his head on straight, knew what his purpose in life was, etc., but He didn't. I thought this was God's will for me even though I was very confused and God is not the author of confusion.<P>Now I am a professional and my education level is much higher than my husband's who did not go to university or college. In fact he never really finished anything he started. Prior to our meeting even, my husband tried his hand at professional golf and gave it up long before I met him. When I met him he worked in a factory. <P>Once we married, I continued to work as a professional. Our first child came sooner than expected, within 14 months of marriage, our 2nd followed 2 years later and our 3rd 9 years later. Anyway, I worked all through the child rearing years. My husband never liked his job and I soon discovered early in our marriage that he had what I call a chronic dissatisfaction and chip on his shoulder - a real entitlement mentality. I worked so hard to make everything right for him so he wouldn't complain but it was never good enough. We had a beautiful home, I had a good job, was working full-time, tried to be a good wife and mother, ran around with the children to all their functions, ran to doctors, activities, did the brunt of domestic labour, yet I was never unconditionally loved, cherished, adored, respected in this relationship. I was verbally and emotionally abused continually. I never felt good about myself in this relationship. My husband had a very oppressive spirit and a spirit of condemnation, not just with me, but the children as well. Our 2nd child has been a constant challenge due to ADHD and this has caused a lot of turmoil in the home. The children have never really seen their father "love" their mother properly. I have been the major breadwinner throughout the marriage and the sole breadwinner for the last 5 years. My husband did not like his jobs so he either took reduced hours or 5 years ago, quit a good job. I was so tired of listening to his complaining about how I had prevented him from pursuing his real passion "golf" (in reality he quit before I even met him), etc. and being blamed for all of his woes that I said fine, quit. At the time we both began our own businesses, unfortunately, neither was very lucrative, and I had to wind up my business recently and take a paying position in a company that causes me to have to drive 50 minutes each way to work. My husband considers me to have "abandoned" the family by taking this job. I continually explain that we had no income, we had accumulated all the debt (by the way I have handled all the finances for several years and do all the accounting for my husband's business which basicaly makes no money), I had no choice but to take this job. Now remember as a professional, good jobs are not like going down the street to work at Walmart, they are few and far between and at my age, even farther between. I looked for a job for 4 years and finally was offered this one, despite 3 degrees, lots of good references and kudos and a pleasant personality!!! Instead of being grateful, my husband belittles me and says I disobeyed him. <P>I was so distraught and in despair over this continual verbal abuse and condemnation I have chosen to take a small furnished apartment in the city where I work and stay there a couple of nights a week to get a break from the stress. A couple of months ago, I had a suicide attempt and landed in the hospital. I felt I could not go on another 16 years with this man. I was never loved, cherished, adored or respected and I deserve to have that in a marriage. I told my husband that and told him that he is to love me like Christ loved the church and he needs to meet my emotional needs which have not been met. My husband says he doesn't have to meet my needs, only God can do that. He also says that he was never respected as head of the home. I said well if you loved your wife as Christ loved the church, a wife will easily surrender and respect you and your children will come under authority. BUt as long as you fail to love your wife as Christ loved the church, your home will be in turmoil and your children will be out from under the umbrella of authority. My husband refuses to see this. <P>We are both going for counselling independently. I know I am a codependent and my husband is an oppressor on the codependent triangle. I have also considered myself a victim and we each will assume these roles at different times. <P>I told my husband that if he is unwilling to try to rebuild the relationship and love me unconditionally, cherish me, adore me, respect me, then we have no marriage. <P>Quite frankly, I don't think my husband is capable of loving me that way - he doesn't have the personality - in fact I believe there is a "misogynist generational spirit" in his family. My husband has been diagnosed with ADD and is currently on anti-depressants (so am I!) He refused to listen to the diagnosis but over the last few months realized he needed to. <P>These people are very hard to live with. In the Boundaries book by H. Townsend, I consider myself to be a "compliant avoider", my husband to be a "manipulative-controller) and my ADHD son to be a "manipulative-aggressor". Now I am getting counselling but I really don't think I want to continue in this marriage. I think a separation is in order, to see if my husband can begin financially providing for us, get his act together and become the person/husband he should have been. <P>Anyway, does anyone have any comments about my situation and what I should do? <P>------------------<BR>Fall from Grace

Keep going to counseling. I know that hopeless feeling. I see a lot in common with me and you. My main problem is I denied myself to the extent that I lost myself and my sanity. My husband was passive/aggressive and I was codependant. Basically, now I feel my husband treated me... how I allowed him to treat me. I was under deep conviction to make my marriage work at "All costs". I no longer feel that way. I feel like people put their spouses or marriage as idols above their relationship with God. There is a verse that says something about you will be rewarded for leaving wife, brother, mother, father, sister for His name sake. You have to be willing to lose it all for Him. I think that is what gives God room to work in your marriage. I am glad your reading Boundaries. Was there an affair involved in your situation?<P>I filed for divorce because my husband continued contact with a woman he had an affair with in 1995. The more I regain myself and my sanity and put my foot down as for what is acceptable and what is not the better my marriage is getting. He just moved back in this week. It is hard. I am learning to be honest about my feelings and set and follow thru with boundaries. <P>Don't worry so much about the passed. What your parents said... wasted years... etc. Stick to the present. You are on the road to recovery. I think first set some boundaries with consequences then follow thru - I don't think there is anything wrong with separation. I would definately wait a loooooooong time before filing for divorce. There needs to be accountability in marriage. You get help for you and he has a choice: he can either leave or get help too. <P>By the way, not everyone here is Christian. This isn't a Christian site: Can you believe that??? Had it not been for the Lord, I would have given up a loooooong time age. But everyone here has experience and has a lot of good advise and encouragement. <P>Please reach out more before attempting suicide again! You are loved!!! Sometimes I have felt the whole world is against me and I reach out and reach out and no one is there for me. Just keep reaching. God said it is not good for man to be alone. God wants us to reach out to others. It is the isolation that no one care that will kill us. Take care of you!!! Hang on. I am soooo sorry for your pain. Sometimes I am so depressed I have to verbally remind myself that God has my best interest at heart. Because I doubt him so much - but I go to him with my doubt. Sometime I feel like "God, what are you doing?????"<BR>Just keep seeking and keep reaching. I wish I had a magic formula for you but I don't. It is a tough walk to walk. <P>

To Notheard:<P>Thank you so much for your response. My husband read a book called "Love-Life" by Dr. E. Wheat and my husband consistently says that "separation and divorce are NOT options for Christian couples". He also says that separation is Satanic. So I have guilt over the separation even though I am at home for most of the week but in my little apartment for 3 nights a week. <P>In answer to your question, as far as I know, there was no affair by my husband (other than perhaps an affair with "golf"). <P>------------------<BR>Fall from Grace

Seek God for your answers. <P>But here are my opinions on things. I want you to know it is my opinion. I am always cautious because I don't want to lead someone contrary to God's word. <P>But first and foremost: Does your marriage give God honor? What about the scripture that says if your right arm causes you to sin, cut it off. Is being in the marriage leading you farther away from God and closer to sin? <P>Matthew 16:26 What profit is it to gain the whole world and lose your soul <BR>(What profit is it if you gain your marriage but lose your soul)<P>Proverbs 16:17 The highway of the upright [is] to depart from evil: he that keepeth his way preserveth his soul <P>Isa 32:6 For the vile person will speak villany, and his heart will work iniquity, to practise hypocrisy, and to utter error against the LORD, to make empty the soul of the hungry, and he will cause the drink of the thirsty to fail<P><BR>Are you justifying your husband wicked ways?<BR>Pro 17:15 He who justifies the wicked and he who condemns the righteous, Both of them alike are an abomination to the LORD. <P>God hates divorce but to me it says husbands don't deal treacherously with your wife BECAUSE God hates divorce. God knows WHEN wives are dealt treacherously, husband are reaping the consequences of their actions: divorce. <BR>Mal 2:8 "But as for you, you have turned aside from the way; you have caused many to stumble by the instruction; you have corrupted the covenant of Levi," says the LORD of hosts.<BR>Mal 2:9 "So I also have made you despised and abased before all the people , just as you are not keeping My ways but are showing partiality in the instruction.<BR>Mal 2:11 "Judah has dealt treacherously, and an abomination has been committed in Israel and in Jerusalem; for Judah has profaned the sanctuary of the LORD which He loves and has married the daughter of a foreign god. <BR>Mal 2:12 "As for the man who does this, may the LORD cut off from the tents of Jacob<BR>Mal 2:13 "This is another thing you do : you cover the altar of the LORD with tears, with weeping and with groaning, because He no longer regards the offering or accepts it with favor from your hand. <BR>Mal 2:14 "Yet you say, 'For what reason ?' Because the LORD has been a witness between you and the wife of your youth, against whom you have dealt treacherously, though she is your companion and your wife by covenant. <BR>Mal 2:15 "But not one has done so who has a remnant of the Spirit. And what did that one do while he was seeking a godly offspring ? Take heed then to your spirit, and let no one deal treacherously against the wife of your youth. <BR>Mal 2:16 "For I hate divorce," says the LORD, the God of Israel, "and him who covers his garment with wrong," says the LORD of hosts. "So take heed to your spirit, that you do not deal treacherously." <BR>Mal 2:17 You have wearied the LORD with your words. Yet you say, "How have we wearied Him?" In that you say, "Everyone who does evil is good in the sight of the LORD, and He delights in them," or, "Where is the God of justice ?" <P>Here are articles from Cloud and Townsend. <A HREF="http://www.cloudtownsend.com/Articles/prev_articles.htm" TARGET=_blank>http://www.cloudtownsend.com/Articles/prev_articles.htm</A> <P>My favorite is from The Simple Scoop on Boundaries: Limiting Evil<P>One of the other aspects of boundaries that is important is the limiting effect upon evil. Remember, because God does not control people, they are, in a certain way, free to be evil. He does not make them be good. He limits His sovereignty and control in some ways that we do not totally understand. But, even though He allows them to be evil, He limits the effects of their choices. He exercises limits on the effect that their choices will have on Him, His church, the world, etc.<P>He has also given us this duty, to limit the effect that evil choices that people make can have on life. One of the best examples of that is in Matthew 18:15-18. It is the role of us to take a stand and “bind” evil as it presents itself. Read Psalms 101 for a great description of how David thought about the things that must be bound so that the evil of others would not “cling” to him.<P>In addition, He wants us to limit the effect that the evil is having on their life as well. He wants us to restore those who get “caught up,” by evil. We are to put boundaries on the cancer that is destroying them and be redemptive in their lives. (Gal. 6:1)<P>God is about Life. He is about restoring good things. And to do that, evil things must be held in check and transformed. He has given us many tools to perform this function of the salt that seasons the earth:<P>Truth and Commands <P>Confrontation <P>Rebuke <P>Exhortation <P>Forgiveness <P>Group Intervention <P>Consequences <P>Discipline <P>Restoration <P>Limit Setting <P>Separation <P>These are some of the processes that God has told us to do that limit and restore evil. And, they work. The problem is that we do not exercise our control and responsibility to do these things in our significant relationships, the church, and the world at large. As has been the story since the garden of Eden, the mess is largely of our own making. If we would use our self-control to do these things, then we would not have the messes in various aspects of life in which we find ourselves. We have misused our freedom. But, the good news of boundaries is that you can take control back in your own areas of influence, and begin to limit evil and restore life.<BR>---------------------------------------------<BR>This is just stuff for you to think about. Suicide is serious. I am not gung ho on divorce. But separation I believe is necessary sometimes. <P>