Every time I think of my husbands family, especially his uncle, I cry. He is like a second father to me and the hurt I am feeling when I think of him is so deep. No matter how much we will try to remain close, I know it will never be the same. I feel like I am losing my own father. I am also close to his aunt and feel sad when I think of her too. She's mad at me, I can tell. She's like a mother to my husband and she's very protective of him. I do know that's how mother's are and don't blame her. It hurts me deeply to see I am going to lose a lot of the closeness I have with them. <P>We go to the lake where my uncle (actually stbx's uncle)lives. He takes us fishing and we sit out in his boat fishing for hours. We laugh and chat as he cooks steak on an open fire. He loves teasing me, he has teased me since the first day he met me. He's the sweetest, kindest man I know. I invite them over for birthdays and holidays. I am not going to be able to do this anymore and this hurts so deeply. They are the only family I have here. They have been my family for 12 years. My own family lives 17 hours away from me. I am mourning over the loss of them, more than I am my marriage.<P>Has anyone else been through this?<P>ANNA<p>[This message has been edited by Anna2000 (edited September 21, 2001).]

Hi Anna,<P>I am divorced from the man I was married to for 20 years -- and am now remarried.<P>My ex-H's parents were truly like second parents to me. Right before the divorce became final, they came to visit David, and they asked if I could come see them. While there, they took me aside. They told me I would always be their daughter <tear>.<P>That was over a year ago now, and although I am remarried, I miss my (ex)in-laws. I have written them a couple of times, and they have asked about me (my kids tell me) but I haven't heard from them directly since that day. It breaks my heart into a million pieces.<P>It's one of the really icky things about divorce.

I am about to go to the unknown, I am trying to save my marriage to no avail. My W'inlaw and W'brother are telling my W that they will never talk to her or have any contact if she goes ahead with it. I know my W will still do it and it is a matter of time before we are ex'es. I know my relation with them will never be the same. For now we cherish every moment and save it for memory in the future.

Anna, <P>I hurt for what you are going through..I am not and never have been close to any of my in-laws..and I have tried..<BR>but, his mom would come into town and be here for two weeks and not even call to see the grandkids..his sisters came into town and called said they'd be over at such and such a time..and show up 6 hours later than they said..we'd go up there they pretty much ignored me..I'd talk to them..but it was always small talk..I'd even call his mom and talk to her on the phone..she'd never call here, not even to wish the kids happy birthday..so I hurt for what you are losing..even knowing I'd never had it.

Thorned rose,<P>That is so nice of you to say that. I think you do understand my pain, even though you haven't gone through it.<BR>It's almost like a death has occured. I am so sad about it and know I can't change it. I keep thinking well i have these wonderful memories to cherish of Thanksgiving's and Christmas's and birthdays with them. Of times at the lake and getting tickled when I got my first fish with my uncle, unlike my father, he let me bait my own hook, cast myself and even take my own fish off the hook, but when I think of these now I cry. I know i will never go fishing with him again.<P>Neyneve and Redhat, I really appreciate your thought also. Thanks.<P>ANNA<P><BR><p>[This message has been edited by Anna2000 (edited September 23, 2001).]

Yes Anna2000,<P>Yes, this hurts me everyday. I have two stepdaughters who I havent seen since last Oct. when my wife left me to have an affair with her boss.<P>I was good friends with my MIL too and I cried the day when I finally had to call her and say goodby. I told her that I will miss our friendship and that I understand that we would no longer be able to talk, but I wished that it could be different.<P>I have been with the girls for 13 years and it kills me that I wont be a part of their lives anymore. I still have their pictures on my desk.... I hate it that I will never get an updated picture, I wont be at their graduation, at their weddings, at their Birthdays.... I was the cook and always made them their favorite meal for their BD ......God damit....I didnt even get to say goodby!<P>Sorry...this has touch my aching soul.<P>Its really sad because there is no answer to this is there?<P>Take care of yourself Anna.<P>Randy<P>

I just spoke to my STBX-father-in-law yesterday and we had a really good conversation. I know I'm going to miss them because they were good people. I was shocked to find out when talking to my father-in-law yesterday that they both support me in filing for divorce. He said that they know how my STBX is and not to feel bad about the things he put me through because he put them through alot too. My father-in-law wished me the best and told me that if I do ever meet someone down the road, they would like to meet him.<P>I felt bad after the conversation yesterday but it also put my mind at ease knowing that they are standing behind me and not their own son. I know parents always stand behind their children but my STBX put them through some crap when he moved back with them. Now he doesn't live there and no one really knows where my H is living. Father-in-law said that the H will be knocking on their door in a few months because he won't have a place to live.

I have a good relationship with my inlaws...but i thought for a little while it was going to be bad...financial really as my FIL told me not to spend money in our joint bank account, as he has been POA since we were OS. I naturally thought they were thinking of their son...no they were thinking of me. They are so disappointed in their son and terrified they won't see the children again if we do divorce...they never see XSIL now, but they never had kids.<P>Anna, I feel bad for you because I feel like I won't see the extended family any more, his cousin who was a good friend, his grandmother...I think I'd like to make an effort to keep something going there by myself. I hope they all still invite me to the family things before he comes home in about two years...I am sure they will and it will take GUTS to go, but hey I loved those people too.<P>Randy, do your folks ever see their grandkids? It would kill any grandparent to be vcut off from them.<P>Anyway, I felt the whole world was against me, but you know it is nice to hear his sister say to her kids "Say hello to AUNTY Jacky"...it sent a great message to my heart...I will always be their aunty .<P>And his parents tell me in every conversation that they love me, and will be there for me and if there is anything I need...so I feel blessed. Because, not knowing the story, they could very well think I'm the WS...<p>[This message has been edited by Nina too (edited September 24, 2001).]

Thanks Nina, Randy and Ela.<P>I appreciate all your kind words.<P>Randy, Your note made me cry. I do think you have some hope of seeing them, going to there graduations and weddings. My niece and nephew were raised by a step father for many years. He's really all they know. They still call him dad and one decided after the divorce was final to live with him for a long time. Once they got their own cars and could drive they both visited him often. So there is still hope just hang in there.<P>Also, since you raised them for so long, even if they aren't adopted. They are older and I would think you could request to have visitation rights. Although I have no idea what the law is in this case.<P>Anyway, I do think there might be some hope there.<P>Good luck,<P>ANNA

In some ways, losing my in-laws hurts even more than losing my wife. I think I understand pretty well what happened to my wife, and I know better than to take her desertion personally. But I thought my mother-in-law and I were pretty close, and my mother-in-law certainly knows me well enough to know that the things my wife has said about me are groundless. My mother-in-law's health is not good, and I tell myself that she just can't handle the emotional stress of being put in the middle. But my mother-in-law <I>has</I> to be aware that my wife is not psychologically or emotionally healthy, and I have made it as clear as I can that I have no interest in attacking or blaming my wife. So there really <I>is</I> no middle, and sometimes I cannot help but feel that my wife's is the lesser betrayal.<P>Also, knowing the problems with my mother-in-law's health, I really worry about her. Watching her only daughter self-destruct has got to be tearing her up inside. And I can't be there for either of them.<P>All I can do is pray.<BR>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Anna2000:<P>Randy, Your note made me cry. ANNA[/B]<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Anna,<P>It makes me cry every day.<P>But its much more complicated than that. The girls still have a good relationship with their natural father...in fact they live with him now as they have chosen not to be with their mother much anymore. I think they only visit her, but never stay.<P>Its a strange situation and I see no easy answer, but Im gonna send BD cards and stuff. But I know I will never be any part of their future...only memories of their past.<P>Just another thing that sucks about Divorce.<P><BR>Enough...its just to painful.<P>Hey Anna, I love to fish! Where did you use to go fishing at?<P>I just came back from a fishing trip to Canada and I had a great time. I even caught a blue pickrel (walleye) which is very rare. I filmed him (I think it was a her...it was to cute to be a him) and put her back into the water. <P>Take care.<P>Randy<P>

I never had a sister, so my SIL was my sister I never had. I loved her and my MIL. But shortly before the S**t hit the fan, we had a disagreement. I no longer hear or see from them. They have tried phoning a couple of times, I don't answer my phone when I know it is them. My FIL is very sickly and my H is going through hell dealing with the potential double loss. And for this I am truly sorry for my H. I think it is better for me to break contact and just move on.

Randy, Have you thought about calling their dad and asking him if you could visit the girls? Maybe he is man enough to know that they had a special relationship with you too...and will respect that..and maybe the two of you can become friends if you weren't some what already??<P>I know a friend of mine who just went through w/ a divorce is still close to his ex-in-laws..he works with his ex-brother in law every day..lives next door to his ex-sister in law..was recently invited to his nephews b-day party..he took a gift over but didn't stay for the party..<BR>his ex-sister in law had a get together at the lake a couple weeks ago with some friends and he was invited and went..said he had a really good time..he goes over to his ex-mother/father in laws house for dinner and such..his daughter and my niece cheer together..so I'd run into him at one of the games..and he and his ex-wife were sitting there talking..as friends..it was really nice to see that even through it all they are still friends..she had an affair (got pregnant during that time, my friend isn't sure this little boy is his)they ended the marriage, and her relationship w/ OM ended when she got divorced..he ran off and married someone else that he had been seeing..<P>my friend just looks at it that yes, he was hurt, but it was her choice to end the marriage, he did everything he could to try to make it work and couldn't, she was in love w/ someone else, so why prolong his pain, and he says he's actually happier now than he has been in many years..but she has to live with the consquences of her choice to end the marriage..he's there for his kids, and even helps her out w/ things around her home when she asks him..he looks at it that he's doing it for the kids..and not her..the kids didn't ask for it..and they don't deserve not to have a nice place to live just because their parents couldn't stay together..<P>So there is hope..that things will be okay Anna, and that maybe you can still be friends with them..it will take some work on your part also, since they were your friends too..yes, they are his family..but if they are really your friends..then you will also be required to put forth an effort to keep those friendships alive, just as with any friendships..they all require work..

Just my two cents:<P>Her family is horribly messed up, I'd say, due to parents' divorce and half-brother's death when my wife was eight. I've always been a little uncomfortable around her mother, and I won't miss her serially monogamous sister and her unable-to-maintain-a-relationship brother if I don't see them again. <P>That said- she has an aunt and uncle nearby who I really get along with well; a cousin who I play soccer with weekly; and a half-sister who lives 400 miles away but whose company I've always enjoyed. Them, I'll miss (well, the cousin shows no signs of quitting our soccer team, actually, and he and I get along pretty well).<P>And I feel a little guilty speaking ill of her mom, sis, and bro- they've always treated me well, and have been "on my side" in this ordeal (though that hasn't helped- my wife isn't listening to them).<P>So, it's a mixed bag. I wonder what she's thinking on this topic- she's always liked my family. Just the other night, as she was at my house trying to french-braid our daughter's hair, she said she was having trouble, and that she'd have to have my mom show her how to do it sometime. Huh? When exactly are you going to see my mother?<P>Early next month, my sister is getting married; the kids and I will fly to Boston for it. My wife will stay home. A year ago, we talked about this trip, and knew it would be hard for her to make because of job responsibilities, but were thinking she might be able to fly out just for the wedding day, not the whole weekend. I wonder if she'll miss my family that weekend, the way I missed going to her friend's wedding last Saturday.<P>Sorry, I think I've just hijacked your thread. I'll stop now.

The only thing I miss is my FIL and his new wife. She is a wonderful cook and we always went there for Thanksgiven or X-mas. They were always willing to spend money on the girls whenever they came to see them. My girls don't get spoiled very often.<P>At X-mas last year, this broke my heart. Because my girls decided to live with me, my X told his father not to buy them anything for X-mas. My FIL didn't have my new address and my X took my address book so I don't have his number. My FIL's number is unlisted, so what could I do?<P>Nothing loss from my X's brother because my girls have only seen him once since they were alive. My X MIL, she accused me of having an affair not too long after I was married because I was living with her while my X went through basic training in the service. Very ironic, I was pregnant with our first child and realized it about a month and a half after I moved there. Also, MIL had an affair with my X's uncle (by marriage) they ended up getting married. I never really talked to her anyway, no respect what so ever.<P>So sad, my MIL and X always accused me of having affairs, now that I look back all those years, who was really having the affairs and feeling guilty???? Probably them, so they put blame on someone else??? Strange, but true.<P>

[QUOTE]Originally posted by ThornedRose:<BR>[B]Randy, Have you thought about calling their dad and asking him if you could visit the girls? Maybe he is man enough to know that they had a special relationship with you too...and will respect that..and maybe the two of you can become friends if you weren't some what already??<P>TR,<P>Well,, I have thought of that, but he and I were never friends as I married his ex wife...who is my STBX. <P>I have thought about writing him a letter...after all we now have something in common. I just dont know though.<P>I am just the step father and I hesitate because I would never want to put the girls in a uncomfortable position where they may have to feel guilty about a loyalty issue that could be construed by their mother. <P>They have had enough BS in their lives and I just wish them the best and I miss and love them. But there is probably no easy or even complicated answer to this. <P>I guess it happens all the time, but it is a terrible empty part that can never be filled. Its just sad.<P>Thanks for the thought.<P>Take care.<P>Randy

I am going to miss my Wife's grandmother, a woman I love as my own grandmother; my wife's three nephews who I am leaving in my will, because they are my nephews now, too; and the whole rest of the family. I have loved being a part this FANTASTIC family! I will miss it so very much.<P>PS her parents have passed on, but I was quite close to her Dad, and my Mom helped her Mom go to chemo when she was dying from cancer. My Mom BABYSAT for my wife and her older brother when their Mom was in the hospital.<P>We go back a long way, my wife and I (and her family), and this divorce is making me sick! (As if that makes me different from anyone else here!)<P>vb_guy

Thanks all,<P>Well, some how it helps knowing I'm not the only one with these feelings. I wish we could all just get custody of our ex's family, (only the ones we like though) I've thought about it and I think I could really make a good argument.<P>1. I am the one who invites them over for dinners or so forth. I don't think they'd ever get invited over if it weren't for my invitations. I do the cooking when they come too.<P>2. I have always bought all the Christmas, birthday gifts, cards, etc. for his family.<P>3. I listen better and am definitely more sensitive to their feelings.<P>4. I think if they were to get sick or needed help, I'd take better care of them.<P>5. I'm prettier to look at than he is. Not that it matters but I'm running out of reasons and it made me feel better to throw that one in.<P>Well, of course you guys know I'm just playing around, trying to find something funny about a bad situation and would never really want to take his family away. Custody of relatives just struck me as funny.<P>Randy, we usually fish for bass. I also like trout and catfish. We fish in the lakes around Louisiana/Texas border. I love the tranguility of being in a boat on the lake. I've also deep sea fished, I hate the sea sickness but love the thrill of catching big king fish. I have wade fished in Galveston before, but decided the first time I did it, I hated it, there wasn't a thing about it that I liked. I'd rather be in a boat or on dry land to do my fishing.<P>Dabigtrain, you can hijack my thread anytime.<P>Thanks again everyone! You guys have been great.<P>ANNA<P>

[QUOTE]Originally posted by Anna2000:<BR>Randy, we usually fish for bass. I also like trout and catfish. We fish in the lakes around Louisiana/Texas border. I love the tranguility of being in a boat on the lake. I've also deep sea fished, I hate the sea sickness but love the thrill of catching big king fish. I have wade fished in Galveston before, but decided the first time I did it, I hated it, there wasn't a thing about it that I liked. I'd rather be in a boat or on dry land to do my fishing.<P><BR>Anna,<P>Yes wade fishing is the stupidest thing ever invented.<P>Where do you set your beer down when wade fishing? <P>I have a boat and I love that type of fishing best. Im from PA and we have small mouth, walleye, trout, and muskie fisning here.<P>I just looked up your location and see you are from Texas...now I have to hate you. Why you ask.....because the OM is from Texas and so I now dislike all Texans. <P>Not really... but this low life scum is from around your area.<P>Ever heard of Diboll, TX? I think it is a bit south of you.<P><BR>So you are cuter than your husband huh? Maybe I will take you fishing sometime... heck not only will I let you put on your own worms and take your own fish off...but I'll let you dig the worms and you can even bait my hook for me.<P>I have shared my fantasy woman over on the EN board. Im not sure how we even got to talking about it....something about fancy undergarmets or such. And I said that they didnt really do anything for me and that I prefered a girl (especially a cute girl) in fishing boots......<P>Only fishing boots <P>Not to bad of a fantasy huh? <P>Ok, so heres how you stand in my eyes right now.<P>1 point against you because ya'll are from Texas.<P>1 point for you for being cute or at least being funny enough to say that you are.<P>2 points for you because you like to fish.<P>1 point for you because you not only will bait your own hook, but you perfer to do so....(thats probably really worth 12 points)<P>So you are now positive three points......when we get up to 100 IM gonna ask you to marry me...OK?<P>Heres my picture in case your wondering what I look like <P>Really, I enjoy reading your posts. Keep up the good work.<P><BR>Take good care of yourself.<P>Randy <P>

Randy,<P>I laughed through your entire post. <P>I do have to say, though I like fishing, I also enjoy being a lady, I love my femininity and love to wear the fancy undergarments too. I think I have so many contradictions about my personality when men say they'd like to understand what women are thinking, I'm not for sure I even know what I'm thinkin'. I think this may score me a negative point. Matter of fact I think I'd never, never get to the 100 mark. It would be something like this, too feisty -1, great cook +1, confuses me -1, is cute +1, it would go back and forth, back and forth. Although, it did get me thinkin', marriage to a guy living in PA, that might just be my answer. Long distance marriage wouldn't be so bad. It would be awfully hard to pick fights with each other. <P>Thanks for making me laugh.<P>ANNA<P>Wow, I almost forgot to comment on your picture. First, I'd like to say, I really like the smile, Second, the sunglasses...well, what can I say men are just downright sexy in sunglasses. Third, my eyes just keep wonderin' to the bald head. Although I do keep reminding myself bald men can be sexy too. After all look at Bruce Willis. <P><p>[This message has been edited by Anna2000 (edited September 26, 2001).]