I just found this site last night and spent alot of time reading all the info/advice. This seems like a wonderful place in the midst of turmoil.<P>I don't know where to start so please indulge me.<P>I am 35, my wife 31. We have no children.<P>Two weeks ago my wife of nearly seven years began to be cold to me. She wouldn't talk to me. As it turned out I was down with a cold/flu so I was mostly sleeping anyway. On Friday night I just came out and asked why she was mad at me and what I had done. She said she wasn't mad at me but she didn't know how she felt about me. She told me she was going to stay with her parents for a while to sort things out. She slept upstairs and I slept downstairs. The next morning we talked. She said that she felt all of the responsiblity in the marriage (paying bills, making appointments, taking care of family business) was all on her. I persuaded her to stay, a mistake that I'm now realizing, and we began to talk. Here were her issues:<P>1) She felt as though there was no romance in our marriage.<P>2) She didn't like the fact that I never wanted to do things with her parents.<P>3) I wasn't activily involved with the finances.<P>I agreed with her points and told her I would do better. On monday she sent me an e-card sayng that she was glad that we were working things out. We were on the road to recovery, or so I thought.<P>Wednesday night she told me she was leaving me to go stay with her parents. She said that she didn't love me anymore and wanted a divorce. She also said that she felt like we were just friends. Counseling is not an option that she will consider. She gathered some things and left.<P>I feel totally blindsided by this whole situation. Throughout our relationship there has been no fighting. We have had our tiffs but there was always a willingness to talk. Communication was one of the strongest parts of our marriage. We could talk about anything.<P>What I can't understand is the total refusal to try counseling. She just wants out...period. I have questioed her about the possibility of an affair which she denies. She insists that she would never do anything like that in our marriage. This makes me think that maybe she's involved in an emotional affair and doesn't think anything is wrong because she hasn't done anything physical. I feel as though she wants to end our marriage first with the plan of moving on to whomever. These are things I would like to discuss with her.<P>I'm just trying to make sense of things. I just want to know how we got to this point. It could very well be that the signs were there and I just didn't see them. Even in that, she knew she could talk to me.<BR>

I don't know what to say to you, I quess inoccent until proven guilty, perhaps she just needs some time on her own, they say the 7th year of marriage is one of the toughest. Keep working on plan A and try to make the changes you need to make. take time to reflect on your life and relationship. Do no push her but do keep those lines of communication open, I never had those lines to communicate with my EX and don't think I ever will, that is a big plus for you I think.<P>

Hi,<P>Sorry you're here too. Well it is the best place for you right now, but none of us here, if given the choice, would ever have picked this as a fun place to hang out on the net.<P>It is so, so supportive, however. Full of kind, caring. experienced people, and you will get a lot of help here.<P>Sometimes that means we are honest, and the honesty can be painful. So you may be asked things like do you think your wife is having an affair, or be told that she probably is...this is the experience.<P>So let me, who hasn't been here long, but I certainly hold the record for most posts in two months, give you my take. And I know you won't like some of it, no-one does want to hear the bad possibilities. But I believe forewarned is forearmed.<P>When she got cold to you, she was putting up a wall. Now if you can't find a reason for this in your life together, then something is probably happening outside of your sphere. People don't just decide all of a sudden and for no reason that they don't like their husbands any more.<P>Tell me HAD she brought those issues up before, DID you see they REALLY bothered her? Or is this the first time you have heard about it?<P>Just one thing, I am not going to say that she IS having an affair, but an awful lot of people here have been exactly where you are, including me, believing their partner would NEVER do it. So we tell ourselves "Oh it can't be an affair...my h/w would NEVER do that." Sorry to say it, but they do. One of the reasons I married my H was of his high moreals, another was his loyalty. He has cheated on me for years. And he denied it every time, and he istill denying the current one.<P>Refusal to counsel is another pointer...she doesn't want to try, she is in a fog. Also things she doesn't want you to know may become exposed.<P>I would say you need to Plan A her as much as posible and at the same time be prepared for the possibilities hidden in the background. Go to counseling yourself, as this is such a hard time for you. It gets better, you do become stronger.<P>Take care,<P>Jacky<P>

Thanks.<P>The communication is what makes this so tough. Why won't she talk to me. What is so awful that she feels she can't talk to me about it and would just rather eject. I realize that asking her to stay was a big mistake. I fully willng to give her all the space she needs but she doesn't even want to meet me halfway, 1/4 of the way. She doesn't want to try at all.

Nina Too,<P>Of the issues she raised the only one she's mentioned in the past was that I didn't like to do things with her parents. I told her that I didn't like her father and that I married her and not her parents. I didn't hold her from a relationship with them, far from it. I didn't like being forced to be with them. What's really strange is that I agreed to let them stay with us for a while when they had no place to go. That was the hardest thing to do in my life. I didn't mind though because I was glad to help despite my feelings about my father-in-law.

Okay HN,<P>Then you can be pretty sure she is making stuff up to justify herself. Read some posts, you hear the same story over and over again. The reason your wife is doing this is uncovered as yet. But it will out, these things always seem to!<P>My H and I had good communication too, then the wall went up...sorry but she's hiding something.<P>Jabber says innocent until proven guilty...hey it may not be an affair, but it IS definetly something she cannot share with you, so she has built a wall and moved out to defend herself.<P>Do you have any close friends you can share this with, someone who will not pre-judge, and be supportive? It does help to share...one guy here recently opened up to his friends and found it was so helpful for him emotionally.<P>Read up all you can here about Plan A, and the Love Bank, and especially Love Busters. You will need this information a LOT in the times ahead.<P>Love and light,<P>Jacky<BR>

Yes I do have friends that I can talk to and have started. Mostly I've been in "What's Really Going On?" mode. I agree that there is something that she is hiding. I just hope she let's me know. I can/have to handle anything, I just really need to know what has happened. Problem is I can't drag it out of her. All I can do is ask. Which I have. I want to and will re-assue her that whatever it is I'll try to work things out. All I can ask of her is to meet me halfway.

Okay, you are new here, so I am going to spell it out...there is no half way on this, no 50/50. You will be doing all the work, oftentimes in the face of rejection, and it hurts and it is HARD work.<P>And she will NOT let you know what's going on if she doesn't want to. Believe me, I have only just realised my h had three affairs early in our relationship, but he never admitted one of them...he doesn't know I have worked this out yet, I would just love to send him a big letter saying stuff like "Well all these years you have blamed ME, and you weren't giving us a chance."<P>The reason she won't tell you is that she is in the fog, and she simply will not see your point of view. She has to come around to it herself. There is not a thing you can say to influence her...but there is something you can do:<P>Plan A, and do it well, consistently and with planning. And you do it without expecting she will come back...you do it to make a better you that hopefully she will notice. Because you want her to really think about what she will be losing if she turns you away.<P>It does work, to an extent, even with my stonefaced H he has seen the things I have been able to do, and he has liked it...but then he goes back into his fog. But getting his attention seems to be happening more often. Just yesterday I did something that threw him for a loop, and I'm not even in the same country as him!!! So if it can have an effect long distance, it can also if you are right there.<P>Hang in there!<P>Love and light,<P>Jacky<P>------------------<BR>"When the going gets tough, the tough get going" - Nina's dad.