I filed for divorce on Tuesday because my husband said that is what he wants, that he doesn't love me anymore and our marriage isn't going to work. I was fine the rest of the week until today. I thought I was being as strong as I could but I finally broke down. I realize now that my marriage is over and nothing is going to change things and my husband is never coming back. <P>My H made no efforts in trying to save our marriage. I did try and do everything I could from reading books, to working on myself and my problems. At least I know I didn't give up when I thought there was hope.<P>Do I regret filing for divorce? A part of me regrets it and a part of me doesn't. There is nothing in this world that would change the way my husband feels or bring him back. Some tell me that they think he made a mistake but can't be man enough to admit it. Others tell me that I need to get on with my life and I won't have to worry about living with a liar anymore. Some also say that once he gets served with divorce papers that he may change his mind about things. I don't know about that because the H wanted to know when he would be getting them. <P>I realized today that yes, my marriage is over, he's not going to change his mind, and I will be divorced from the person I loved and cared about for almost 8 years, the person whom I thought I would be with til death do us part.<BR>

I can feel your pain. I am on the opposite side. My wife filed for divorce last week. I wanted to go to counseling but she said it was too late. She says that she tried to save the marriage but that I didn't see it. I've been trying to see what she means but I can't. All I can remember is her leaving me alone to hang out with her friends. But that's okay. I did things to hurt her too. I believe that marriage is a commitment and it hurts to see that my wife doesn't look at it that way. If she did, she would not have filed. There was nothing so horrible in our marriage that it would have insulted God or broken laws. I'm not an alcoholic, I never raised a hand or my voice to her, I don't gamble. She says that she was unhappy. I think she was unhappy with the responsibilities that come along with being married. The stress, the monotony, the...plain-ness of it all. I think she couldn't handle that. It hurts to know that she feels she can't deal with that to be with me. I know I made mistakes, but I tried every day to be a man that my wife could love and grow old with. I see now that I didn't succeed. <P>I cannot help you. All I can do is offer an ear to listen to you when you post. I hope it worth something.<P>------------------<BR>Don't look back. You never know what is gaining on you.

First of all, if you really want to save your marriage, you will need to buy more time which means since YOU filed the papers, you go right back and cancel the papers (don't worry about the $$you blew filing). My husband filed last Aug 2000 and then we inactivated the papers in April then he reactivated them in June and then he dropped them all together in September (this month). It has been a hard year and a half trying to change and make him want to stay married, and we had so many ups and downs but I never gave up. Many times the settelment papers would come for me to sign and I just threw them away. I told him that I was waiting til the very end, court. I wasn't going down easy, this was worth fighting for. I prayed and sacrificed everything for this marriage. <BR> I am just telling you this in hopes that you do not just throw in the towel so easily. If the divorce is what HE wants then let him file for the divorce papers. Make him do the work! <BR> Good luck and God bless you both.

ela611,<P>I agree with julie, cancel the papers. <B>FIGHT</B>.<P>-AD

Thanks everyone for your replies and advice.<P>How can I fight for someone who doesn't love me anymore and doesn't want this marriage or me? He tells me that he can't come back to me because he doesn't love me anymore and that its 100% over. He lies to me so much about things I can't believe one word he tells me. This past week he told me that he's living with a guy from work which in fact I find out over the weekend that he's actually living with some woman. So that definately makes me wonder what his real reason for leaving really is.<P>I couldn't continue beating myself up every day believing what he told me about him coming back. I know that since he was the one who said he wanted a divorce I should have let him file but I felt that if I did it right away then I would be free and clear of him and I can go on with my life. He definately would have let this drag on for months, maybe years. He put no effort in even trying to show me that he wanted to work on our marriage except for going to 1 counseling session. And now to find out that he's actually living with some woman after he told me that he can't put up with women's crap anymore, makes me feel that I did the right thing by filing.

I know exactly how you feel. I filed last Friday and I spent most of the weekend in bed unable to function. The reality of the end is so hard to take when it isn't what you wanted. <P>However, I know that I did the right thing. Like yours, my H has done nothing to work on our marriage. He likes to pretend I'm still his buddy and that everything is fine except he just doesn't live with us. Fact is he abandoned his family, is living with another woman, and is so selfish that he can't see that his actions speak so loudly, the actually words are not necessary.<P>He has done nothing to show any concern or love for me. He doesn't call on weekends. Yesterday he finally got a phone so I could get in touch with him during an emergency. 6 months gone and anything could have happened to me or the kids and he would not have known. <P>My heart breaks when I see someone I love throw all he has away but like you say, there is nothing I can do or say to make him care, make him come home, or make him love me. I have to treat him like an adult and let him suffer the consequences of his actions. I have protected him for 17 years and cannot protect him from himself any longer. <P>Good luck and be strong. God Bless.<P>Lynn

Hello ela611...<P>I'm sorry to hear about your pain, but I can definitely relate to where you're at... I'm wondering if that's the path I will be on momentarily. <P>I agree, how can you fight for something when only one side fights? Maybe I'm all wrong on this as the Harley's say it only takes one to lead another back to intimacy... I just don't know. I think if a person hardens their heart, not even God can soften it. It's called free will and personal choice.<P>But, in the meantime, when it's not you, me, PeoplePleaser or anyone else who wants their marriage to fail, what can ya do? God calls us to live at peace with each other <I>if at all possible and depends upon us</I>... we cannot do this alone... It's very sad and I pray for God to guide you and comfort you... He HATES divorce but when hearts have turned cold... what is there left?<P>If anyone has an answer to the contrary, I'm open but I'm moving rapidly in the camp of these two broken-hearted souls...<P>Nicole<P>------------------<BR><I>"You will deceive yourself into believing that if people, circumstances, and events had been different, your pain would not exist...Your pain is the concrete way in which you participate in the pain of humanity."</I> <BR>~ Henri Nouwen ~