Today the thing I feared most happened. Today everything that people had told me to prepare for happened. Today I finally saw the world the way it is and realized that I do not like it. <P>I signed my divorce papers this afternoon so my wife can file them when she gets the money. I had to pay $5 to get them notarized so imagine my disgust at having to pay to end my life. So many people told me to prepare myself emotionally for this eventuality. I did not listen. I was so confident that my efforts would win her back. I tried so hard. I never worked harder at anything in my life, and considering that I am in the Army, that could be a bad thing. All I ever wanted was to make her happy. I wanted to grow old with her. I wanted to make her smile and make her proud to be my wife. I wanted to help her look forward to waking up in the morning because she could spend the day with me. I wanted her to love me as much as I love her. And I failed. <P>Many people have told me that things happen for a reason. It's God's plan. It wasn't meant to be. You just weren't compatible. She is too young. Perhaps I'm a glutton for punishment, but I disagree with all of those statements. <P>It may make me miserable, but somehow I draw strength from misery. I believe in my soul that I simply wasn't good enough. I did not do enough, I did not say enough, everything that is me wasn't worth enough. The fact remains that all I have done to save the only thing that matters to me was not good enough. But then, if I wasn't worthy in the past why should I be now? As I write this, I feel tears welling up..as they have with the replies I wrote before this. <P>All I ever wanted was to be married to Robyn and make her happy. I never thought that I would make her happy by not being married to her. The world and the inherent unfairness of it sicken me. I despise the pain that people endure every day and I despise the pain that I will continue to endure. I am disgusted with myself because, for all my hard work, I cannot change my core beliefs. These beliefs are the reason I get hurt time and time again and will continue to be hurt. <BR>1:Continue to hope even when looking through the gates of Hell.<BR>2:Always root for the underdog<BR>3:There is justice in the world <BR>4:Good does triumph over Evil<BR>5:A man makes his own fate<BR>6:Love conquers<P>I can't keep a smirk off my face when I read those 6 statements. And no matter how hard I try, I cannot change them. I don't know where they came from or how they got imbedded in me so deeply, but there they are. And they do not work. <P>All of my rebuilding has taken place around those six pillars. Perhaps that is why my wife didn't come back to me. It is a rotten foundation I have. <P>I miss Robyn so much. Signing those divorce papers hurt me so deeply and it fills me dread because I feel that there is worse to come. I do not know why, but I feel it. It is almost as if I can feel the wrath of God building. I will be punished for losing God's gift. Of that I have no doubt. What goes around comes around, and something is coming around that is going to hit me like a freight train. <P>I had hoped that Robyn and I could start over, so to speak, by dating. I know that will never happen. She will grow more and more distant as the days pass, and I will stagnate because I have no drive of my own. My drive comes from the desire to please others. I can lower my standards until I am happy with myself. And that is pathetic.<P>------------------<BR>Don't look back. You never know what is gaining on you.

I share your same beleifs and I don't think you are wrong to have them or that they are the cause of your situation. I believe that when there is love it is suppose to be unconditional. Lighten up on yourself, I am sure that you have done many good things in life and that you are a good person. Even a bad person desreves to be loved, but I don't think that the case here. My wife has treated me so badly and I still have no clue way, I know she blames me for everthing that has ever happened in our marriage, I worked hard, I made mistakes, there were times I treated her badly, but I made amends and thought I was forgiven, the hardest thing for me to do is not punish myself for her choices, I am only responsible for the things I have done. I can't change the past and I do not deserve to be punished for what happened in the past. Be nice to yourself .<P>

Wolfen,<BR> You are good enough, she just wasn't strong enough. It breaks my heart to hear stories like yours and mine is just as saddening. Know that this WAS NOT God's plan for you to be divorced. In fact his plan is still for you to count on him for strength and even maybe in time, a reconciliation of your marriage. I know how far-fetched and hopeless that may seem now, but stranger things have happened. God's will never includes sin or evil, it's mankind that choose their wills over Gods. Try your best to ask God for answers. I know that I am or am trying to.<BR>My husband has come back to me, but he has gotten the other woman pregnant so now i ask myself, do I want God's answer for this dilemma or do I choose my own way and I am pretty sure that I am moving out soon. I wish that I was strong enough to stay but the humility is too much to bear. <BR> You sound like a nice guy with good values, we're not perfect, I know, but I know that in time YOU WILL BE HAPPY. I hope the same for myself. I pray that God becomes the void in your life and mine too. Hang in there.<BR>God bless

Wolfen,<P>I read your post about 1am - and I'm just getting around to replying.<P>First, I'd like to persuade you not to give up. I know things are tough, but don't give up. Things can change, in face, they always do change. They might change in a way that is favorable to you.<P>Second, if you are in the Army, well... right now it looks like we have some kind of war. I don't know what role the army might take, but well, I just wanted to say thanks to you for being there - for being one of the guys who's ready to go wherever you are asked to go to meet the enemy. Thank you Wolfen.<P>Now, back to your marriage. I know the feeling of trying so hard and getting nowhere. Finally, I quit trying. It didn't seem to make any difference, so I quit trying - but now I need to start trying again. I think my wife might come back now if I just give her a reason. I just can't seem to get up the energy to do anything. But we were talking about <B>your</B> marriage. So, get those papers back and tear them up. Keep fighting. <P>My wife is young too. We were married when she was 19 and now she is 22. She says she didn't understand what she was doing when she married me. I agree. She didn't. But that doesn't change where we are now. We are marriage, we have a child. We've got to "do the right thing". So, I'm curious. How old is your wife? How long have you been married? And, how old are you?<P>Now, about the "wrath of God". Why do you think it is your fault - something that God should punish you for? Take care of that, man. If you did something wrong, try to make it right - and ask for forgiveness.<P>Three of your six principles look pretty good to me. Three I question - namely 2, 3 and 5.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>2:Always root for the underdog</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>I would change that to say, root for whoever is right - even if is the big, strong, rich. But, judge who is right withour regard for whether they are big or small, weak or strong, rich or poor.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>3:There is justice in the world </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>Not is this world. There is much injustice. In God's kingdom there is justice, but not in this world.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>5:A man makes his own fate</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><BR>This is only partly true. There are many things beyond our control. A lot of fine people were working dillegently to make their fates in the WTC. Due to no fault of their own, their fate was something they never would have imagined. That doesn't mean that we should sit and wait and pray for prosperity. We must work as if we make our fate, but accept that it is not always true.<P>The other three, I agree with.<BR> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B><BR>1:Continue to hope even when looking through the gates of Hell.<BR>4:Good does triumph over Evil<BR>6:Love conquers</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Wolfen, I like to recommend books to folks on the forum, so I'll recommend one to you. "Good Intentions : The seven unconcious mistakes of nice people", by Duke Robinson. Maybe you've been making some of these mistakes with your wife. Maybe it's not the 6 you listed, but some of these 7. I realized that I made almost all of them.<P>Well, I didn't sleep at all last night, and I'm going to go to bed now.<P>See 'ya.<P>-AD

HELLO AbandonedDAD (Sorry, bit of an in-joke)<P>Wolfen, I read your post earlier in my day, but I was feeling low and didn't want to reply because I thought it might be too negative. Still might be! <P>Can I ask you, if you didn't want a divorce, why did you sign the papers? <P>Please do not think so harshly of yourself. SHE thinks all those negative things about you at this moment, but it DOES NOT mean she is right. YOU are a good person, and a loving one, who has strong morals and ethics. So someone who thinks you aren't, is playing around and has such a low opinion of her life that she has to cheat, is an expert? <P> No, no. You know in your heart, Wolfen that though you may have contributed to some of her unhappiness, you did not cause this A or divorce to happen. She made those choices, not you. And the choices she made have altered your life. And that isn't fair.<P>I actually don't think your friends fatalistic comments are much help to you. They encourage you to accept defeat, and we here know that you don't want to give in. That's why you are here.<P>Be strong Wolfen, fight for what you believe in, work on it, refute (or whatever the term is) the divorce papers, and try all you can to win her back.<P>You haven't tried everything yet, and if you don't, a couple of years from now, you will be kicking yourself, and you will find it much harder to let go.<P>Please don't give up.<P>Love and light,<P>Jacky<P>------------------<BR>"When the going gets tough, the tough get going" - Nina's dad.

Wolfen - I feel your pain because I am going through a similar situation but I'm the one who filed for divorce and I'm hurting deeply.<P>I to did everything I could possibly do to reconcile my marriage. At one point I thought my H was coming around realizing that our marriage isn't worth giving up, yet to find out last Tuesday that he said he wants a divorce and is 100% sure. So I went and filed because I could no longer sit in pain wondering every single day if he was truely coming home. Well, filing for divorce didn't ease the pain one bit, I feel that it has made it worse.<P>I know I can call my attorney and stop the divorce papers being sent to my H, but I can't because of the indications that he has given me that this is truely what he wants. He has lied to me in the past and throughout our marriage, I would have to say he mentally abused me with all of those lies. I also found out that he is living with some woman because he has no place to go. I've heard many stories and it makes me sick to my stomach to even think about them and if they are true because like I said, he lied to me so much I would say I believe there is someone else. This is my indication why he didn't even want to try to work on us or our marriage because of someone else.<P>I ask myself many questions as to why would I want to take someone back who has lied to me so much. Do I want him to come back and only be hurt again by his lies. Do I want to be sick with worry wondering if he's telling me the truth about where he is going, what he is doing and who he is doing it with. I know you can rebuild trust and I tried to once he left because he told me he was being honest with me about everything, only to be let down knowing he wasn't being honest with me about things.<P>I can stop the divorce papers but all it will do is prolong things and he isn't willing to work on anything. He asked me when he would be getting the divorce papers, when I would be cancelling him from car insurance, medical insurance and when his direct deposit should be stopped. Those questions to me are an indication that he is not going to hesitate one bit in signing those papers and that he wants this marriage done and over with.<P>I have given up hope on my H and my marriage. He's not coming back and nothing will ever change his mind or open up his eyes to make him realize that we can have a better, healthy marriage.<P>All I can say is hang in there because you are not alone, I'm in pain too.