W wanted to leave and was persuaded to stay. I know this was a mistake. She indicated that she felt "trapped" when she stayed. She stayed for a week then finally left. I asked for counseling but she rejected the idea. She came by to discuss bills today. I asked her to stay a bit and talk and she agreed. I asked how we got to this point, the brink of divorce. She said she didn't know. She told me of feelings of being unappreciated and ignored. She made some very valid points. Other points were totally off base. I admitted my wrongs and disputed things that were not my doing.<BR> <BR>During our talk I asked her about the possiblity of an affair. To this point she had denied any possiblity. I asked her what her definition of an affair was. In her opinion and affair is dating/sex outside of marriage. I discussed with her the concepts of emotional and physical affairs. She admitted to having a "crush" on a co-worker. Who the OP was didn't surprise me as I had stumbled upon some evidence that indicated something was up. She also told me that she went as far as to reveal her feelings to the OP and that they were rejected. I'm not sure I believe This. Before now I thought she would never lie to me but now I know she would/could.<P>A few things strike me. She says that this infatuation started about the same time that she realized she was harboring feelings of resentment towards me. She says she couldn't/wouldn't talk to me as she felt I wouldn't listen to her. This is valid to a point. Up to now I never thought she would leave me and I took that for granted. However, I don't think I've ever shown that I wouldn't be open to communication. Actually, I had thought that this was our strength - communication.<P>Though I have doubts about the status of this affair/infatuation I do think it is a positive that we've actually talked. The possiblity of counseling was not rejected again but also was not accepted.<P>I realize that I'm only two weeks into this situation but I am totlly confused. <BR>

Hi again hockey_nut,<P>Glad you could talk with your w. <P>You feel it wasn't productive because you are used to communicating with her in a meaningful and honest way, with give and take from both of you.<P>And now both of you are choosing words carefully, both don't want to give incorrect messages, and both are probably scared by what is happening. AZnd the eye contact and body language are different, and that makes you both uncomfortable.<P>She has 'begun' to tell you what has happened. She has probably peppered it with a few half truths, some truths that are easily checked, so you might believe all her story, and outright lies. This is normal WS behaviour...they all seem to do the same thing.<P>What do you think came first...the rejection of you or the infatuation...bet it was the latter. Once they are thinking of someone else, they cannot show you the same feelings as before. So they build a wall. And they rewrite history. Suddenly a good marriage can seem to be the marriage from hell, the way they talk.<P>I clearly KNEW my H was seeing another OW, because I had seen him in action the first time. And I knew something was wrong the first time, I just didn't know what. <P>Can I gently suggest that you don't try to get anything else out of her for a while...instead, when you are with her, talk about lots of other things, and try to have good conversation, not bringing up the separation at all. I know, you want to know, but as I said before, she isn't going to tell you until she is good and ready, and if you keep asking her, you will surely push her away.<P>So she has a crush on this guy? What did she like about you when she first met you, can you recall? Can you do some of those things now, when you see her? Were you funny, romantic, told her special things? Try these, and see what she thinks...she may not like some, so pay attention to her reactions and go for what works.<P>I had one amazing day with my H after we split...I decided that he was an a** man, so I flirted with him, and kept accentuating that part of my anatomy, bending over and stuff ...he couldn't resist being nice to me that day, the wall just came down. Of course next time it was back up, but it proved a point to me.<P>Wooing her again may help...some here may disagree...but you try these things and if they don't work, you don't do them again, cos that's what's called love busting.<P>Gee I talk too much!<P>Love and light,<P>Jacky

I guess a little progess is better than no progress.<P>I have no intention of pushing for details of the infatuation/affair. That won't solve anything. I do hope she comes clean no matter how it may hurt.<P>She really wasn't clear on which came first, the infatuation or rejection of me. I would also think that the infatuation came first. She says she didn't reveal her feeling to the OP until early this week. She says she fought the feelings because she was a happily married women. I answered that she couldn't have been very happy at the time if she was harboring ill will towards me. She says that when she left she felt as though a weight was lifted off her shoulders, I'm wondering if that weight was guilt.<P>I'm not planning to contact her for a while. I hope she really thinks about our talk. I fear that it might have been to much, too soon as we talked for about 3 1/2 hours.<P>The concept of rewriting history rings true as she came out of left field with things that weren't remotely possible. She said that she felt like when she was out doing things (seeing friends, family, etc) that she felt as though she had to be home at a certain time so I wouldn't be mad and question her. To this day I have never put a demand on when she should be home or what she was doing. This angered me a bit as it seemed like an outright lie/justification. During the talk I was calm and never rasied my voice of showed any anger though I was seething on the inside.<P>When she left I asked if she would like to get together and talk again next week. She half-heartedly aggreed. I told her that if she didn't want to get together just be honest and tell me. She didn't say no and she didn't say yes, just sheepishly acknowledged that I wasn't making any demands.

Your comment that she felt a huge weight lifted when she left...my H during our one and only counseling session was asked by C how he had felt since leaving 10 days earlier. he said "Relief." Wow, kick in the guts...but now I think he felt relieved because he didn't have to slink around anymore, or hide things...he had the freedom to do what he wanted.<P>You are being very wise and very patient, and doing all the right things so far...be aware that this is a long road sometimes. There are some people who have been here a couple of years.<P>Now, are you looking after yourself? Eating. sleeping getting exercise? Watching/playing lots of hockey? Did you see where the hockey game was stopped the other day for Bush's speech?<P>Anyway it is important for you to try and look after yourself, and if you are a religious/spiritual person, to connect with that. You guys seem better able to go out and socialise in the early days, so you have a kind of advantage there...well maybe that's a generalisation.<P>Take time for you for a while, that's important! You are omportant. Remember that...it's not all about her, as I am sure you know.<P>Love and light,<P>Jacky

My beloved New York Rangers were one of the teams playing in the game that was cancelled.<P>I'm trying to eat and look after myself. I know that to survive this I have to...well...survive. I still feel like a mess inside but I do feel a bit better since the talk. <P>I'm just hoping that she'll think about the things we discussed. I fear that the feelings for the OP will keep her from being truthful and honest about what has and is happening. I also fear that she'll just disregard the fact that what has happened is not catastrophic and only focus on trying to be with the OP. I wanted to stand up and scream "Don't you see what this infatuation/affair has reduced you to? Are you happy with yourself? You've made your points and I hear them loud and clear, why do you not even want to try?". <P>It seems like a lost cause as she doesn't seem to want counseling. Maybe that's the "fog". Like you said earlier, maybe there are things that she doesn't want to expose. I thought we were happy, and until recently we were. It's so frustrating because I've got to take the hits twice. I have to admit my faults and what I've done wrong and at the same time be patient and forgiving to lies. I am so angry at my wife for showing me that she's capable of being a liar and a cheat. I know everybody can slip, but we shared the same view of cheaters...they're awful.<P>In all of this I still want to fix things and move on. It may take awhile but I'm prepared for the long haul.

WTG, HN.<P>Be strong, resilient and healthy...you are going to make it. Have you had a cyberhug yet?<P>Here's one:<P>(((((((((((((((((hockey_nut)))))))))))))))))))))<P>My brother was good at hockey...we never knew until he came home from school with the trophy. And my eight year old seems to have inherited that...he's not all that great at other sports, but does really well in hockey.<P>Love and light,<P>Jacky

Thumps up to your little hockey player!!<P>I never actually played, just a big fan. My mom thought hockey and auto racing (my first love) were too dangerous so my parents steered me to football (go figure) and baseball.<P>Thanks for your support. Like my first post said, I'm not happy to be here but it sure is a comfort.