If you (men) meet a woman that you could possibly be interested in and she tells you that she is going through a divorce, how does that change your perspective on the woman? And if she says she is divorced already? Would it make a difference when she says she was married for 7 years? How do these stats change opinion on possible relationships with women? <BR>

At this point in my life, after going through this whole separation/pending divorce thing myself, I would feel a great deal of empathy for her and would have respect for what she had gone through. <P>I would also think that she might be even more marriageable, because she might have been through enough to have grown up and know what she wants.<P>vb_guy

I am a BS so I would be extremely careful in entering into a relationship with a divorced women. I’m not saying that I wouldn’t but after being hurt so badly I would want to know details of the divorce. If an affair broke them apart I don’t know if it would matter if she was the WS or the BS. I would be more concerned about what happened after the affair was known. Did they blow up, have remorse, etc. Did they learn anything that they could contribute to their next marriage/relationship? I have learned a lot since my wife left and if I marry again the next women will benefit from this knowledge. I don’t know if it matters but this opinion is from a 31yr old w/ no kids.<P>What is your prospective on divorced men? <BR>

I guess for myself for now anyways I'm going to stay away from divorced men if at all possible. To much baggage just like I suppose some would say I carry. <P>Jill

I would not ideally get involved in a relationship with a divorced man. But now that I am soon to be divorced I guess my perspective is changing. I really wouldn't want to get involved with a divorced man with children though. There would be too much contact with X for my comfort. I don't have kids so I would want to at least share that first child with someone who also does not have children. But I guess it all depends on whether I feel a connection with the man or not...<P>Do you think single people look strangely on divorced people?<BR><p>[This message has been edited by Pantha (edited September 23, 2001).]

You asked, “Do you think single people look strangely on divorced people?” I actually have an answer for that. Most of my friends are still single and they don’t think it matters. They look at divorce as an unfortunate event but something that happens in life. I guess us X’ers have a low moral standard.

I would stay clear of a woman going through divorce, for the fact she might be able to reconcile and I would not want to interfere with that chance or put want her to be questioned about her actions. I would date a divorced woman, it is unfortunate that woman and men divorce but it is a fact and in reality at my age it is hard to find anyone who hasn't been divorced, i think the good thing most divorced people seem to unserstand what they want better.<P>

Quite simply, if I find a woman I'm interested in is going through a divorce, she's automatically off limits. Anyone "going through a divorce" is still married in my book, so until that paper is signed...sorry!<P>As for the "already divorced" women: I am divorced myself. I would think it very hard to judge someone based on that simple fact. I would be very hard pressed to find a single woman my age who had not been married at least once. Is this a bad thing? Maybe not. Maybe I have a lot more in common with a divorcee than I do with some never-been-married 25 year old.<P>I think that the real question I need to ask is not "are you divorced," but rather "why did you get divorced?" <p>[This message has been edited by cjack (edited September 24, 2001).]

I would want to know why she got divorced. I don't think I could date someone who was the one who left, because I was one who was. I think I could empathize much better with someone who had felt the same things as I had.<P>I would be interested in what her parenting ideals and hobbies and interests are.<P>Like cjack, most women in my age group are likely to be divorced and have children. I think I would be much more comfortable with someone who was at least 35, since our interests and lifestyles would probabaly be much more closely alligned.<P>------------------<BR>nick<P>it's only time that heals the pain <BR>and makes the sun come out again

Hmmm... Well, I'm not a man, but have divorced friends who have gone on to find happiness in other relationships, with and without children.<P>In fact, my own mom was divorced and remarried 3 times while us kids were growing up. She never had any trouble getting another man. I guess marriage was not the problem, divorce was! <P>Regardless, I think eventually a person has to face the truth about oneself and work on changing what they can to improve interpersonal communication. Either change or keep making the same mistakes just with different people!<P>I think divorced people tend to see themselves in more of a negative light than outsiders looking in. To me, divorce means you made a mistake--some could have been worked out, some chose not to, but everyone makes mistakes in life! You just have to move on with a positive outlook and hope for the best. Every relationship is not meant to be.<p>[This message has been edited by BINthereDUNthat (edited September 24, 2001).]

Pantha,<P>I don’t think I could get involved with a divorced woman if I knew that she was the person who caused the breakup ( had an affair ) but I wouldn’t write off the possibility of getting involved with a divorced woman who was cheated on by her former husband and off course if there was a connection.( Even if she had children ). <BR>

I don't think I will get involved with anyone who is divorced...cos my h is with someone who is three times divorced. It is a BIG trigger for me. Guess I'll end up a lonely old lady.

I'm not a man, but I agree with cjack. And there could be many "real" questions that you'd want to find out along the way (before getting serious):<P>1) Why did you get divorced? <P>2) What have you learned from it?<P>3) What would you differently in another serious relationship?<P>ETC.....<P>Mistakes happen. They even happen <I>to</I> you (like to a BS...I didn't want a divorce). It's what you DO about what happens that says alot about what kind of person you are.<P>I also don't think I'm gonna find many men in my age group (mid-forties) who haven't been divorced. I'm not sure if a single, male in his mid-forties, who's never been married, would be that great of a bet....but you never know.<P>Anyway, that's one woman's opinion.<BR>Aloha,<BR>Mrs.O<BR>

Good response Mrs. O If I got seriously involved with someone those would be my same questions:<P>1) What do you think went wrong?<BR>2) Did you learn from it?<BR>3) What do you fault yourself for?<BR>4) What do you fault your X for?<BR>5) What would you do in another relationship to avoid the same mistakes again?<BR>6) Do you feel you are a better person as far as self esteem for yourself and respect for others?<P>I think in every divorce at least 1 becomes a better person from the experience. It doesn't matter to me whether the person has been divorced or never married. What matters to me are my top five MB needs!!!!! If I were to get serious with someone, these needs have to be present. If not, then I would work it out before ever marrying again. Even if it meant going to counseling before marrying.

I'm not a man but....If given a choice between a man who had never been married and a man who was divorced, I might very well lean toward the man who had been divorced.<P>Simple reasons:<BR> 1) I have 2 children. They are 8 and 10 years old. How would a man who had never been married cope with having them added to the mix. <BR> 2) If he's never been married, has he had his mid-life crisis yet? I've survived one man's MLC and it was tough enough. I'm not going through that again, hopefully.<P>I have a different view of divorce than I did earlier. A man who had never been married would be hard to find at my age. And he would probably not understand that it would take a while for it all to come together well. And that my children, though they might like him, might have trouble with him "intruding" upon their long-term family structure. He would have to go through being the "new kid on the block". He and I would not have the luxury of developing a solid marriage before the children were added. <P>Could he handle this? <P>The man I dated last summer was divorced, barely, but he had been married only 2 years out of the 42 he had been alive. I was married for 17 and had been away from x for a long time when that man and I met. So, my far greater number of years of marriage gave me a lot of experiences he had never had. He had no children and wanted them. I don't. Do I feel like he would have been an equal partner? That he would have been the best choice to bring into my current family structure? No way.<P>The man I'm seeing now is divorced. And we talk freely about the things that went wrong in our marriages. And we both have children. So, he would understand the issues. Would it be easier for him to adapt to the realities of the world in which my children and I exist? Would he understand the children's needs more?<P>Who would fit in easier? Who would be the more equal partner?<P>So, I think it would depend on the man. But I would be more likely to go with the divorced man. The challenge of blending families would be incredible, though.