Hi,<BR>My new kind of boyfriend admitted to me last night that he is still living with his ex-wife and their kids. He says it has to do with money but I'm not to sure about that. I have thought alot about this and decided that I'm going to tell him that I just don't think this is going to work. <P>Oh well it was fun while it lasted.<P>Jill<P>------------------<BR>live for today for there may not be a tomorrow

sorry things didn't work out, but life goes on and you made the right choice

Jill,<P>Good idea, just don't use the word "think" use the word "know". Jill, I'm sad for you right now, but now you know how it feels to get that excitement back and the right man will come along!!! This guy was just not him. Thank the Lord you found out early.<P>Take care,<P>ANNA<P>

Jill,<P>I agree that you definitely made the right choice. Are you even absolutely positive that he is really divorced? <P>Every time I read something like this, it makes me question more whether there really are more than a handful of decent people out there.

Jilly,<P>Yes, it's good to know early on in the relationship...that<BR>it's NOT going to work..before emotions are so tangled<BR>and confused..<P>Yes, the euphoria of those young again, and make you feel great inside feelings are wonderful to feel..but they are<BR>also easy to get wrapped up in..and it's easy to get involved to quickly..especially when you haven't had that<BR>attention in so longgggggggg....<P>And something you could do I guess to find out if he's at least telling the truth..is look at certain things..like <P>1. did he give you his home phone number so that YOU can call him? (pretty certain he wouldn't do that if he were married, don't think most married men would, but then again..never know)<P>2. You could look at the clerk of the court records in your area..they are public domain..and most are online these days..and you could do a search to see if he really is divorced...<P>and the fact that he told you up front that they are living together..(you've known him what a week?)<P>You say that you talk on the phone for hours..is he at home when he calls you?? Most married men wouldn't talk to OW on the phone for "hours" from their own home phone..a cell phone yes, maybe..but not for hours and hours..especially if wife is present..if he gave you his home phone..you could also ask to speak to her..and ask her point blank..if they are still married..or if they are divorced..if they are divorced then she would tell you..if not well..you'd find that out too because he wouldn't let you talk to her..<P>I know a few ppl who have actually gotten divorced and stayed living under the same roof until one of them could afford to move out..yes, it was very uncomfortable for others..but it was something they agreed on..

Jill,<P>Thorned Rose made some good points, but they are all mute points. You probably know this already but you don't need to do any investigating. You just need to run and run fast in the opposite direction!!! The guy is living with his either ex wife or his wife and his kids. It doesn't matter if he's still married to her or not. I think you already know too that you would be setting yourself up for a major heartbreak either way. Also, if he's living with his ex then there's a chance they could get back together. Also, what kind of guy dates a woman, while he is living with ex and his kids, and then says "oh yea, BTW, i'm living with my ex and my children for money reasons..." If this guy was totally over his wife, I am sure, I AM POSITIVE, he would be able to find a more suitable roommate some where else. It also makes me wonder just who was to blame in their marriage to begin with. Was he the cheater?<P>Well I'm sure you know all this already, because you wouldn't be on here saying you were gonna end it.<P><BR>Take care, <P>ANNA<P><BR>

Hi All,<P>Well as usual you guys made some great points. <BR>He did give me his home phone number and had called me at home so I do believe he is divorced but talking to him he is still hung up on his ex. I think they are living in kind of a wierd situation right now. She wants to have the freedom to see other guys but still wants him around. He doesn't want to leave the kids and I still think he is afraid of being alone. He said he would move out of there if it would make me happy. WRONG!!!! UHG!!!!!STOP SIGNS FLASHING!!!!!!!!!!!I don't need somebody that dependant on me. <P>Jill

Jilly,<BR>I'm so sorry for your disappointment. I hate getting my hopes up for something and then getting let down Trust your instincts!!!!! I too had a weird instinct about someone I met. This buy would probably be a wonderful husband as far as emotionally support, conversation and supporter, but there is something about him, I just haven't pin pointed it yet. I am extremely cautious and very picky about who I go out with, maybe that is why I don't have very many dates. I really don't have much of a desire either. My girls are priority for me right now.<P>Anyway, this guy freely talks about his X having sex with other men. That is such a turn off for me, I could care less. He is newly divorced and needs time to heal. He would hang the moon for me, but something about him scares me. You have to trust your gut instinct, don't question it, just give it time. Time is always of essense. I know I'm not looking to get married anytime soon and I can have all the fun I want for now. I have all the time in the world.<P>I know, its lonely and you are like me, you want to be held, kissed and touched. The right person will come along, don't know when or where you will met him, but it will happen. I like to quote Forest Gump's mother, "Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you are going to get." Keep us updated.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by jillybean36:<BR><B>Hi All,<P> He doesn't want to leave the kids and I still think he is afraid of being alone. He said he would move out of there if it would make me happy. WRONG!!!! UHG!!!!!STOP SIGNS FLASHING!!!!!!!!!!!I don't need somebody that dependant on me. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Jilly, <P>How did you react when he told you he'd move out if thats what you wanted? By that I mean what did you say to him? Did you tell him thats something he'll have to decide for himself? I understand not wanting to leave his kids..but there is reasonable visitation..<P>He can be there for her without actually living there with her..<P>sounds also like he is just needs to feel needed by someone, anyone..which could mean a low self-esteem<P>but he should move out if they are divorced and live alone for awhile before he jumps head first into a relationship--<BR>or have her move out and him stay in the house w/ the kids<BR>so she can have that freedom to come and go as she pleases..<BR>and he could then move forward with his life..<P>

If they are still living together as a family, they are still, for all practical purposes, married, whether it is legal or not, whether it is an "open marriage" or not. And critically important is that his children still have their father. <P>I was horrified by ThornedRose's statement:<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I understand not wanting to leave his kids..but there is reasonable visitation..<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Making a statement like that is trivializing the horrific impact of divorce on children. <P>I doubt very much that Jill would even consider getting in the way of this man's possible reconciliation with his wife. <BR>

Nellie,<P>You are right about me not taking him away from his family. I told him that if that is where he was happy that is where he belonged.<P>His ex wife has had two affairs and just wants her cake and to eat it to. I can't blame him for wanting to keep what is his. I just can't live with that.<P>

Let's all say, "former boyfriend".

Ug, Sweetie - YUCK!!<P>On another note, Kristin is actually spending the night tonight with her best friend - her VERY best friend since kindergarten. Her parents were divorced when the girls were in first grade. (That's 11 years ago, btw)<P>They all live together. Different bedrooms, they go out and date, go out with each other from time to time and seem to be ok with it. At first, it was for the little one, then, it just worked for them. Somehow. Never understood it myself, but it works. They are better friends than ever and no sex involved.<P>Funny, though, in 11 years, with all the dating, neither of them has come close to remarriage. The mother did once, but the potential was scared to death. Don't know how they would've handled that one!<P>This one is definitely NOT a keeper, Hon, and you deserve more.<P>Been thinking of you.<P>Love,<P>Lori

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Nellie1:<BR> Making a statement like that is trivializing the horrific impact of divorce on children. <P>I doubt very much that Jill would even consider getting in the way of this man's possible reconciliation with his wife. [/B]<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Oh trust me I wasn't meaning to trivilize the impact of divorce on children..I know it very well..<P>But it's apparent that he wants more from a relationship than he has with his "ex" wife..or he wouldn't be dating..<BR>and if he's wanting to date then he should either move out..<BR>or have her move out so that each of them can move forward with their lives..<P>"IF" He wants to get back together with his ex-wife then he needs to date her..and nobody else..and not bring some innocent like Jilly into the picture..but he needs to be honest with himself about that..<P>And do the kids understand their parents are DIVORCED?? I mean they still live under the same roof..maybe not in the same room..but still -- how will THAT impact the way kids view marriage if they don't understand their parents are divorced?? Seeing Mom dating this man and that man..and dad dating this woman and that one-- Will they have the same view of marriage?? Hey my parents were married to each other and dated other people..so whats the big deal?? I think the way they are doing it is worse on the kids in the long run..but thats my humble opinion..<P>How will they understand the importance of a wedding vow if they don't understand that mom and dad are divorced?? They see their friends at school whose parents are divorced and live in seperate places..so to them..mom and dad must still be married..because they still live together..how will it effect them later if/when mom or dad meet someone else they want to marry?? and then all of a sudden they will be moving out..and how will it effect the spouse who is left?? I think it will just prolong the pain..and cause more hurt later on..especially if one is still trying to win the love of the other..<P>But, I am in no way trying to trivilize the effects of divorce on kids..I just think it will actually be easier on them in long run..to know that mom and dad are divorced..<BR>and not living together..and seeing them date other ppl..than seeing mom and dad still living together and dating other ppl..I just feel the kids will be more confused about marriage..and what it's supposed to be about..

ThornedRose,<P>I certainly don't think it is a good idea to see their parents dating other people (though do their kids know this?) and I think anything that resembles an "open marriage" is a horrible idea - but children need both their parents, at home, working together to raise them. That is absolutely the most important thing. <P>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Nellie1:<BR><B>ThornedRose,<P>I certainly don't think it is a good idea to see their parents dating other people (though do their kids know this?) and I think anything that resembles an "open marriage" is a horrible idea - but children need both their parents, at home, working together to raise them. That is absolutely the most important thing. <BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Nelli, I agree 100% which is why I am where I am at today..<BR>I wanted my stbxh to find a job that required less travel so that he would be home..(he was gone all but one weekend a month)I'd even typed up resumes' for him every year because he asked me too..said when this jobs over I'll take some vacation time and go out and look for another job..and he never would..I knew my kids needed their dad here..so I gave him an ultimatum...either find another job and be here..or find someplace else to stay when your in town your one weekend a month..It was time after 8 yrs of promises for him to do one or the other..he chose the other..took that two weeks vacation and found someplace else to live..<P>Some may say I was stupid for giving that ultimatum..but it was emotionally abusive to me and the kids for him constantly making these promises getting the hopes up and then having them dashed year after year..it was mental cruelty..especially when he wouldn't look and would come home lock himself up in the shed and drink..when the kids would go talk to him he'd tell them to go away..yes, I am still very angry about this..maybe I shouldn't be because we are getting divorced..but I am because even now he's telling the kids he's "going" to look for another job so he can be in town..and he's even taking them out looking at houses..in neighborhoods that are about 5 to 10 minutes from here..<P>I am sorry but I think that is cruel of him to do that to them..so yes, I understand that it is best if both parents are home working together to raise the children but when there is the emotional abuse that can harm the children even more..no thanks..I don't want him here anymore..I don't want to be settled for..as SNL has said in one of his posts..I want to be with someone who wants to be with me..who desires to be here..not someone who is here by default..because they were forced into it when it's really not what they wanted to begin with..if it's what he wanted to begin with he wouldn't have taken a job that required him to be gone 90% of the time w/in three months of us getting married and not even discussing it with me..and even after he took the job he just came home and said he did it..no discussion anything..<BR>it was a done deal..and it didn't matter what I'd said..but I stayed for 9 years before I made the decision it's either your family or your job..and he chose the job..<P>but I wasn't meaning to go off on a tangent...I respect Jilly's friend for wanting to be there..with his kids..and staying in the same home..even after they are divorced and watching the woman he loves go out with other men..it takes a very strong or very stupid (one who enjoys pain) man to be able to live like that..but like I said before..I think it's emotionally damaging to the kids for the kids as well..and they may end up hating their mother for dating..and may end up thinking dad weak for staying and putting up with it..<P>I know my dad cheated on my mother..was abusive towards her and us kids..my brothers and sister and I thought her weak and lost respect for her as a parent because she stayed and put up with it..for the sake of "us" kids..I knew she stayed for financial reasons..because she didn't have the financial means to support 4 kids alone..I guess thats another reason for me going through what I am now..because I am much like my mother..I don't have the financial means to support 3 kids alone..but I learned I won't stay and take the emotional abuse anymore..and i think that is what this woman is doing to her ex-husband..and her kids as well..<P>hell my dad married one of the women he had an affair w/ and then would call my mom to go meet him in a hotel room..had he been able to stay living with and divorced from my mom..I believe he would have..he wanted his cake and to eat it too..so I guess I am just looking at this from the side of the child..who has in many ways been there..and know the damage it can do..My mom deserved better--and it would have been better for her and us to have had her leave the situation when we were little..yes we would have struggled financially...but I think we all would have been stronger emotionally..had it been handled correctly with all of us recieving counseling..<P>But, I personally would rather struggle financially than put up w/ the emotional abuse that situtation brings..

My parents did not have an easy marriage, though I am quite sure neither one ever had an affair. They probably stayed together for my sake (although they were still together several years after I left home, when my father died), and I will be eternally grateful to them for that. I never thought them weak for doing so. There is no better gift that they could have given me.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Nellie1:<BR><B>My parents did not have an easy marriage, though I am quite sure neither one ever had an affair. They probably stayed together for my sake (although they were still together several years after I left home, when my father died), and I will be eternally grateful to them for that. I never thought them weak for doing so. There is no better gift that they could have given me. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Nellie, <P>All marriages have some troubles..and they can usually work through them..or compromise through them..<P>but I honestly feel my parents NEVER should have gotten married..and the only reason they did was because she was pregnant with my brother..they never discussed getting married until she got pregnant..but in the 1960's in small town PA it was what you did..she had my brother..a year later she had my sister..and a year after that she had me..and a yr and half later she had my brother. She said many times had she not been pregnant she never would have married him..but she did what she felt she had to do. right/wrong or indifferent...