I was talking to some friends on Yahoo today. I had hoped my wife would call and tell me where to meet her because I asked her out last weekend. She even told me yesterday that she would call me. I am sick and tired of getting my hopes up and having them dashed again and again. But I am a stupid old man and I never learn. <BR>I did not take my medicine today because I wanted to have a clear mind when I took stock of my soul. I am disappointed at what I found. I will share my discoveries with you all and maybe then you will see what she does and decide that I am a lost cause also.<P>When someone talks to me for the first time, they usually think I'm a very nice and sweet guy. I will admit that I can be very nice and friendly. For whatever reason, though, it is not the true me. I revert back to form and treat people so coldy, so callously that I push them away. I do not know why I do this. It only hurts me in the end. <P>I act arrogant because I am friendly, but it always comes back to hurt me. I act cocky because I am a coward, afraid of so many things. I act tough because I am a baby who never saw the world the way it is. I keep people at arms' reach because if I let them get close, sooner or later they will turn on me.<P>I no longer stand up for myself. It took me a long time to learn to pick and choose my battles. When I was much younger, I fought everything regardless of whether I was right or wrong. Now, I let people walk all over me and submit to the whims of the Fates and do nothing. It seems as if every time I attempt to exert a little force, I am the one that pays the price. It's like being in a boxing match, getting knocked down and struggling to get up and getting knocked down again..and again..and again. So, I just stay on the ground. <P>At one time, I would look at myself in the mirror and see everything that I did not want to be. I saw the antithesis of ME. Now, I look in the mirror and see the same scared little boy that went to school every day knowing that he would be bullied and hurt and hid under stairs to avoid it. It sickens me to be this way. It sickens me to know in my soul that I will always be this way, that I will never be more than I am now. <P>I see now why Robyn left. She is a strong person who is able to take care of herself. She needs no one. She has no need for weak people. I am a weak person. I pretend to need no one while desperately wanting nothing more than companionship. What woman wants a man like me? What woman deserves a man like me? I am confident that the answer is none. <P>A prisoner to fear. Fear of the past and of the future. A walking excuse for a man. A child trapped in a body that ages day by day, but with a stagnant mind that refuses to work as it should. <P>I am a broken husk of a man. My wife, whether she planned it or not, has broken me. I should be ashamed to admit it, but I am tired of denying the obvious truth. I would change so many things if I could. A time-machine is something I would kill a man for right now. At the risk of my soul, I would try to change the course of my life. But, being me, I would screw it up. It is my destiny.<P>Am I looking for pity? Hell no. Don't give me any pity because it is insincere anyway. I do not want anything except for people to read this. Just someone to listen to me, even if they disagree with everything I say. This is my opinion, and unfortunately it is true to the best of my knowledge. May God have mercy on my soul.<BR><P>------------------<BR>Don't look back. You never know what is gaining on you.

Wolfen,<P>The pity is not insincere, and I wouldn't call what we give here'pity', I'd call it compassion, or empathy.<P>Please don't think we don't mean what we say when we tell you that we are your friends, and want to support you. Because we do...many of us here take the time to help each other, and we don't do it for any other reason than to try to ease the pain of another. <P>Your pain is bad right now. It is forcing you to rewrite your own history somewhat, I am sure. Just like the WS rewrites it to justify their A's, you are thinking that there must be a reason, you must be a bad person, you can understand why she left such a weakling.<P>Well, I have been there...I was saying to myself, yes, H is right, I was a bad wife, selfish, lazy, argumentative, and all those other things. I CAN'T be a good person because he wouldn't have left!!! I was almost convinced about what a rotten person I was....almost. Then it hit me. You know what? He wasn't perfect either, and although I may have been all of those bad things at times, it was not ALL the damn time like he said.<P>I still have debates about this with myself, but the bottom line is this; I AM a good person, and a lot of people think so. H doesn't right now, well that's the fog.<P>You are a good, caring, compassionate, loving and intelligent man, and let no one make you think you aren't. Every single one of us is special.<P>I forgot, are you seeing a counselor?<P>Love and light,<P>Jacky

[QUOTE]Originally posted by Wolfen:<BR>"I am a broken husk of a man. My wife, whether she planned it or not, has broken me. I should be ashamed to admit it, but I am tired of denying the obvious truth."<P>Wolfen,<P>Has your wife broken you or have you broken yourself?<P>I am you and you are me because I feel those very same feelings that you describe.<P>My wife left last Oct. <P>The answer here for both of us is that we must learn to like that person we see in the mirror. Not an easy thing but a worthy and necessary goal.<P>No, I dont think any one wants to be around a person suffering from low self esteem. Not a woman or a man.<P>The answer is learning to like that person in the mirror....its not easy I know. It can happen by doing the right things as you see them. If you feel the need to be stronger......then act stronger. Feelings follow action, and so even an act will get you on the right track here.<P>You are defining yourself right now based on your wifes action....which was rejection....I know this hurts because I still feel that sting every now and then. But like you, I too have not moved on yet, rather I cling to a hope that none of this is true.....but it is true wolfen.<P>At some point you and I will need to do something besides wallowing in self pity. (friends get tired of it very fast)<P>Then we will begin to heal....then we will start becoming that person we know is in there....but just struggles to come out. That good and strong and happy person. Thats the person every woman and man wants to be around...needs to be around. <P>Its in you Eric...you just need to let him come out....as do I.<P>Take care.<P>Randy