Had a good long talk with the wife. Asked if she loved me. She said, does it matter. I said yes. She said, I dont know. Good or Bad. Also, she posted this about OM.<P>"I am not going to play games with you. I have done nothing wrong. I am not nor do I have any desire to see other men."<P>I tend to believe her, but that is not the point. I also offered to help her more monetarily, she said she was afraid I would hold it over her head. I agreed to not do that. She said then she would let me help.<P>I then email her and asked her to make me a list of things that annoyed her that I was doing and also a list of things that I could do to help her emotionally. Was that such a good idea?<BR>

Rob,<BR>My opinion is there is a OM. Like I said before she just can't live with the idea that you know. <P>I think e-mailing her was fine. It lets her know you really do want to work on yourself and your marriage. <P>Now is the time for you to really take a few steps back and think about your relationship with her. Were you what you promised in the begining. Did you give her emotionally what she needed. Was there signs that she has been unhappy for awhile. <P>Jill

Jilly,<BR>Thanks for the response. To answer your question: Yes and No. Yes alot of the time I did. I helped with the cleaning, I cooked most of the meals, played with kids, and spent time with her. As my drinking and depression worsened I was not meeting those needs as often. I was so caught up in depression over my molestation during my childhood. I avoided everything. I tried so very hard on some days, but just couldnt help myself. Started a shrink in August of 2000. He finally broke me down prior to her leaving. I like you believe there is another man. I have proof, but no matter what I say she wont budge. I will wait. Maybe the guilt will get to her. Just before we got off the phone I said "I have hope and am going to fight for our marriage" She sighed and said "I need to go". That told me that she is still lying. She just wont admit that she needs to tell me. I think she is afraid to hurt me and burn a bridge. I am okay with it most of the time. It still smarts at times. However, I try and remember it is not me that is lying. It is not me that has given up and it is not me that is being self-centered. I think she sees that I am changing and hates that I am. It takes away all of her reasoning for leaving. You see she thought that I was just a [censored]. But she knows that what happened to me twenty-five years ago devastated me up until she left. I think she hates herself for leaving knowing that that was truly what was wrong. It would have been easier if I was just a MONSTER. I chose poorly in handling it. What gets her I think, is that I am handling this separation and OM differently than she expected. I feel good about that. I wont have any problems finding someone else down the road. Im back! And I love it. I just wish she had enough respect for me to tell me and let me get on with life - without her possibly. Why do they do this. Do they think we are stupid

Rob,<BR>I'm sorry for what you have gone through in your life. It kind of brings new light to me why she maybe feels you neglected her. I think the booze and the depression she could handle. It was what she new you were going through that got rough. Because you were seeing a shrink and learning to deal with the pain you have lived with all those years you may have been more into yourself than you relized. I know all to well that "left out" feeling. <P>I'm so happy that you have come to terms with the past. It's to bad she just couldn't have stuck it out a little longer. I don't feel all is lost here yet. You have alot of work to do in gaining her commitment again but keep trying. <BR>Be paitent with her for now, she sounds like she is very confused. <P>If hind site is 20/20 there would be no divorce we can't change what happened in the past but we can work on our future. <P>Jill

Jilly,<BR>You are right. It was tough on her, no doubt. I have to say she was a good wife. She stuck it out for nine years. She did her share, but I always felt she would be there. I guess I was wrong. One of the things she wrote in the note she left was that she felt powerless and has always wanted what was best for us. She said, nothing I have done has changed you. Little did she know that her unconditional love over those last few months spurred me to see the counselor more often, try harder and eventually confess to her on the Friday, 3 days, before she left. She lost it and cried with me and hugged me. Now, she says, I dont believe there is anything you can do can make me believe you have changed. That is where we are. I am content to just live my life and let it speak for itself. The ball is in her court now. Jilly, it was tough on her. She was mentally and emotionally worn out. But in four months, she hasnt seemed to have improved at all and that is what kills me. You would have thought she would be better, would be getting some counseling to help herself. She doesnt. She is sometimes laughing, most often she is rigid, mean, and could care less. That is what hurts the most. I am thankful that she left, because I would have never told my parents and that was the one thing that was bothering me alot. They just thought I was a monster, just like she did. I did alot wrong. I am just praying and hoping she is watching and will see I am not that same man. Perhaps it is too late. Fact is, Im and optimist. Heres to hope. I really miss her and the kids. Man, now i am crying. I was such and idiot to let that [censored] from so many years ago affect my life like this - my HUGE mistake. Thanks for listening. Good luck on that dating scene, he will come just in time.

Rob,<BR>OK now you made me cry. For starters what happened to you as a child was not your fault and how it came back to you as a adult is NOT your fault either. Believe me I know. I know all to well. Just give her more time. Let her see that you have changed. I beieive that people can learn from the past and change. I believe that you are really, really trying and thats great. None of us are perfect. Just be paitent a little longer. She waited for 9 years for you to get your life together now I guess its your turn to wait.<P>Jill

((((((((((((((((((((RobC)))))))))))))))))))))<P>Love and lots and LOTS of healing light,<P>Jacky

Thank you both! Yes, under that male pride of mine, I have resolved to wait for her for those very reasons. Honestly none of this would have been possible without her. For once in my life I had some one (other than my parents) who loved me with all of their hearts and soul - I know she really did and does love me. It is the very least I can do to work and wait - for Her. Bottom line - I will love her deeper than she may ever know, because she changed my life! I owe her my heart and my life. God put her with me for a reason and we both always felt we were meant to be together. I dont think God has forgotten us. I just think he has work to do on both of us. Thanks Jilly, Thanks Nina.