Some observations and comments for some of you regardless of which side of the infidelity you are on.<P>Dr. Harley has indicated in various articles on the subject that affairs rarely lead to marriage and that 25% of those that do end in divorce. I really have no idea whether or not these statistics are correct or not but I will take his word for it. <P>I think it is safe to assume that when men have an affair (I use that term to describe a sexual relationship outside of marriage) they may have no intention of ever leaving their spouse and family. It is just that - an "affair". If a woman has an affair, however, it is in all likelihood because her emotional needs were not met and she was very depressed in her marriage. She does not usually enter into an affair lightly. She probably really believes she is "in love" with the other person. She is more likely to leave her spouse although it is extremely painful especially if there are children involved. Now if the love interest of hers is married too and does not leave his spouse, then she will return to her spouse usually and try to work it out.<P>But what if the love interest leaves his spouse, proceeds with the legalities and is adamant that he wants to spend the rest of his life with her? He says things like:<P>"I love you forever"<BR>"You are the love of my life"<BR>"I will love you until the day I die"<BR>"I cherish you, adore you"<BR>"I love you unconditionally"<BR>"I have never been so much in love before"<BR>"Even if no intimacy, I will love you forever"<BR>"You are such a treasure, a gift"<BR>"You are so beautiful"<BR>"I will always be there for you, no matter what your decision"<BR>"I will always be waiting in the wings for you and will never love another again"<P>What if these are not just "words" - he has shown it in his actions.<P>What if the feelings are mutual? What if she is married to a verbally and emotionally abusive spouse (even though he is a Christian) who has a created dissension in the home with his behaviour to the detriment of his wife and children?<P>OK now a couple of observations:<P>The effect of divorce on the children - always painted very negatively and I am sure in some cases, it is. However, I know personally of a situation where two people began an affair (through work), both left their spouses of 10+ years, both had children, they ended up marrying. The wife became a well-known author, her daughter (from the first marriage who was 10 at the time of the divorce) became a leading television commentator and the husband became a supreme court judge. In this case, the children seemed to fare much better (certainly financially) and socially through the divorce.<P>Often from the pulpit we hear tbe story about David and Bathsheba and the effects of adultery on David and his children. However, in my opinion, God was more angered by the murder of Uriah. Also David's children were not necessarily all wayward because of the adultery. One of David's first wives, Micala (daughter of Saul) had a "Jezebel" spirit and usurped David's authority. She mocked him. Such attitudes will cause spiritual disobedience in the children. Also David had many wives, many children and didn't have time to father them all properly. There was a lot of sibling rivalry. Can we honestly say all of the turmoil was caused by his adultery?<P>Now, remember this is what you don't hear from the pulpit. The illicit union of David and Bathsheba produced one of the greatest kings of all time, Solomon. So good came out of the union. God's grace prevails despite sin. If David and Bathsheba had never gotten together, would there have ever been a Solomon.<P>If Henry VIII had never began an illicit affair with Anne Boleyn, we would never have had a Queen Elizabeth I, one of the greatest rulers in England's history.<P>I am not condoning affairs, I am simply making some observations that are often overlooked or neglected when looking at history.<P>I listened to a program on WDCX the other day on children of divorced parents, and all the pain, etc. that this caused. Two individuals, now both either psychologists or counsellors, products of divorced families, spoke on their feelings and problems because of the divorce. However, both individuals appeared to have achieved success in their lives, were obviously alot more intuitive when it came to relationships in their own lives and were more mature about such matters. I thought to myself, well these children, although did have pain, came out pretty well, despite the premise they are trying to accomplish with this program. Also I noted that some very important information was left out of the program; did these children have regular contact with their father after the divorce; did either parent remarry; did the father provide child support; did they have a relationship with the step-parent? We heard none of this so I wondered about the sincerity of the program.<P>Obviously children that do not see their father and end up living in poverty because of lack of child support suffer a great deal more than most.<P>But we all know of people, famous or otherwise, whose parents were divorced and they seem to be quite successful in life in all aspects, perhaps even more so than those of us who lived with 2 parents who were very unhappy and did not teach us much about relationships, either in words or actions. <P>My parents stayed together for 35 years, then my father left - said he hadn't been happy for many years. Well what was the point of that? What does that show me and my siblings? That you should stay together until your children are grown and then leave because the pain will be less. It wasn't less but it was much more confusing at that age. At least if he had left a lot earlier it would have given both of them a chance to meet someone else and remarry and then I may have had a relationship with a step-parent. <P>This is what I say to women who are in an unhappy marriage; if your husband does not treasure you, cherish you, love, honour and respect you, he is breaking his vows that he made at the altar. Never mind "adultery". That is not the only way to break the vows. People forget about all the other vows and focus on the adultery. Adultery can be forgiven and should be forgiven if the "wayward" spouse repents, gives it up and wants to rebuild. The other broken vows are much harder to rebuild. If your husband is not prepared to love you as Christ loved the church (i.e. honour, respect, cherish, treasure) then you don't have a marriage. Either you do something about it in rebuilding, going to counselling, reading - if you want to and are committed to the marriage. If not, then you need to set some boundaries. As a wife, you are entitled to be loved, cherished and respect and your emotional needs met by your husband. You should demand that. If he is not willing to provide you with that, he has broken his vows and you need to move on (I don't necessarily mean divorce) but you need to do something to change your life. Don't settle for anything less. You deserve to be loved and cherished. <P>TO the husbands:<P>Read Malachi 2:13-16. "You cover the altar of the Lord with tears, with weeping and with groaning...Yet you say, For what reason? Because the Lord has been a witness between you and the wife of your youth, against whom you have dealt treacherously, though she is your companion and your wife by covenant."<P>Divorce is the result of dealing with your wife "treacherously" i.e. not loving her as Christ loved the church (honour, cherish, respect, treasure, love). An affair by your wife is the result of dealing with your wife "treacherously" as well.<P>If men could love their wives this way, more marriages would stay together, women would in turn love and respect their husbands; it would be easy for women to do this and meet their husbands emotional needs. But the husbands have to take the first step in the hierarchy of spiritual authority.

Just wondering, are you the WS or BS?

May I suggest that you reread the columns you attrubute to Dr. Harley? My understanding of Dr. Harley's ideas seems to be a little different. Would you be interested in double checking the facts?<P>Prayers and stuff,<P>Bumper<BR>

I think you make some very good points though I strongly disagree with your assertion that husbands have one type of affair while wives have another. It may happen that way in a majority of cases but not always. My H had the emotional-type which, for me, is the most painful because he replaced me in spirit as well as in body.<P>Enough on that, though, as I am very interested in these thoughts themselves about marriage & divorce. They hit home with me these days. <P>I think the majority of kids suffer due to the many ways in which divorcing couples hurt one another and, along with it, their kids. If I decide on divorce for my troubled marriage, I think it is vital to look at it this way:<P>My spouse & I had some wonderful years together. There need be no blame for whatever happened between us. Maybe any given marriage, based on the combination of personalities involved & experiences both before & during the marriage, has a lifespan which may or may not last until death do us part. Although it causes tremendous hurt if one person wants out when the other doesn't, that's just life too. If we go our separate ways, we do so in the spirit of friendship that may truly last a lifetime. The kids will experience some pain of their parents' separation but hopefully see the growth that occurs too. <P>As we approach middle age, we know so much more about ourselves. If we remarry, we probably chose a different personality type the second time (I know I would). Maybe that is even what affairs are about. You just come to need someone different after a number of years. How can 1 person do it all for you anyway? If we take out the emotional attachment and the childlike ideas of "happily everafter", maybe we can all just see life as the experience it is. Being with someone who helps you grow as a person does not necessarily mean it is the SAME person your whole life. Life changes, people change, and life changes people.<P>

You have done a poor job of twisting scripture to accomodate an evil deed. I suggest you dig into Proverbs (especially Chapter 6) and read what it says about adultery. Also, where is it ever stated that marriage must be an never-ending source of joy, bliss and fulfillment? No where. A person normally has at least twenty years before reciting marriage vows. In those twenty years as they were growing up, they should have learned or acquired a knowledge of the seriousness of marriage and especially what God has to say about it.