Hello all,<P>I have finally reached the point where I can no longer strive to try and keep my marriage together. I have finally decided, based on recent evidence, that I need to let go and move on. I stayed for the sake of my daughter's pleas, I know she will be extremely hurt when I give up trying to make her mother commit to our family and move towards a divorce.<P>I need help drafting a letter to my wife, who says she loves me, but thinks I'm sick because of the levels I have had to go to check up on her stories. Which have resulted in exposing her guilt, not her innocene. If I came up negative all the time, I would say that my instincts and gut feelings were wrong and continuance of this checkups would be wrong on my part. But I didn't miss once.<P>She tells her coworker's that she is divorced. She goes to functions with them as a single person. She feels it is ok to go out all night dancing if it's "with girlfriends" and not come back at 6 AM. Yet she says she still loves me, but that she is embarassed to tell them we are together because of my profession and the fact that we only live in an apartment and that she has led her coworkers to believe that I am living in some nice big house somewhere. She says that she wants to tell them about that fact that we are still married after we move into a new house together.<BR>We work about 70 miles apart from each other, so her work area is completely foreign and beyond casual access from me. So she can tell people there whatever she wants since we will never run into her coworkers where we live.<P>So, after the most recent discovery of her indiscretion, confirmation of semen on her underwear, (we have haven't had sex for a year and a half). I disclosed my discovery to her and told her it was over. She denies, even in the face of the test and says the test was wrong, that she loves me but that she can't live with someone who is always checking up on her.<P>Well I couldn't promise that I won't check up on her, she hasn't acted in a trustworthy manner. So I am writing her a final letter. And I need some help in wording it in such a way that if there is a hope of restoring our family, it is there, but that it firmly states that I have no other alternative but to move on.<P>I still love my wife. I wish I didn't have to do this. But she hasn't left me a choice.

Cushion your letter with compliments. Start with complimenting her - the things you love about her. then state the facts. then end with compliments - tell her how much you want to stay married to her but not the way your marriage is now. I suggest the facts be a list of boundaries she must comply to if she wants the marriage. That way she has a choice to stay. No compromising though. List them here and we will help you. <P>A boundary would be - no more going out without you until trust is rebuilt. This could be a year or more - if she is unwilling then a separation is necessary. If she is willing that gives you something to work with.<P>Another boundary would be - she must attend counseling with you. <P>These requests will probably be unreasonable to her so the outcome will be separation but at least she will know it is her choice. Then start Plan A.<P>I hope this helps. I had done the boundary list twice in the passed year. The first time I had a list of 12 boundaries and he thought I was totally unreasonable but was willing to do 3 of them - I said no - all 12 and he came back and said o.k. 8 of them and I said no - all 12. Finally he thought I was ridiculous and moved out. We got back together and again he was caught untrustworthy. So we did the same cycle this time I only had about 4 boundaries but we had the same disagreements. So he moved out then 2 months later we got back together. Then he was found untrustworthy again so again we separated. This time he wanted to know what he could do - he wanted the list of boundaries. At this point I said there was Nothing he could do to make me want to work on this marriage. We separated 4 months and now we are back together once again. <P>I think these WS never grew up with discipline and never faced the consequences to their actions so they don't know how to be adults. It is unfortunate for us to have to help them along with this. But please do not think you are being unrealistic. When there is space between you two you will be able to see how crazy her staying out all night with her "girlfriends" can be. Right now you are probably thinking you are too harsh - but believe me, you are not!<P>She says she loves you but her actions speak louder than those words. The fact that she says she is embarrassed to be with you and saying you two are divorced also conflicts with her words when she says she loves you. <BR>