For anyone who knows my situation, I'm in a bit of a bind and in a bit of a funk right now. <P>I'm just about to embark on a 10 hr drive back home to move all our stuff out of our house and into our new house up here. The problem is, I'm having a "bad" day again, like yesterday and now I'm looking at spending 10 hrs in a car with my wife when I least want to. I don't think I can hanlde the situation any more, I think I want out. How selfish is it of me if I don't want to deal with her being pregnant from the OM over the next 8 months and thereafter? I told her along time ago that if I ever found out they were together again I was leaving. Well I found out they were and I gave her yet another chance and another and finally this last time, now she's carrying his child! She wants yet another chance to prove she loves me. Like I believe that! I just can't/don't have the heart to kick her out. I feel more sorry for her and the situation she's in. I feel she needs me for her right now, but I'm not sure if I can do it. Is this something I should bring up during the drive? One good thing is niether of us would be able to walk away from the discussion and we'd have to keep it cool due to our son being in the back seat.<P>Oh God, I need help!

I'm sorry I don't know your situation, but I feel for you. (Plus I don't feel qualified to give advice!). You can always let her know that you care about her, but that it is a tough situation for you. (and it should be, sounds like it is complicated!!) I hope she isn't expecting your maraige to be hunky dorey right off the bat. Maybe you could think of the drive as an educational trip for your son (how old??) and make him the life of the party. GOOD LUCK!!

\<p>[This message has been edited by HollyAnn (edited July 08, 1999).]

Blues,<P>Here's my paltry contribution for what it's worth. When I was a teenager my uncle's wife, my favorite aunt, got pregnant by another man. I didn't know they were having problems. At any rate she had the baby, a boy they named Carl. Today they are still together and Carl is out of high school. My uncle raised him as if he were the biological father, and you can tell by the way he treats the boy that he loves him. I don't know how they ironed out their problems but they did. All this is simply to show that it can be done. I don't know the specifics of your case but I hope you can work it out.

Blues,<P>I'm not sure what kind of discussion you want to have with your wife at this point. And trapped in a 10-hour car ride is probably not the best time to do it.<P>If you haven't yet, please read the Q&A listed here: <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5063a_qa.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5063a_qa.html</A> <P>Regardless of what you've told your wife, and what she's done, you both have some very serious decisions to make right now. And this is when you should both learn to apply the "Policy of Joint Agreement" and learn to negotiate fairly. Preferrably under the direction of a counselor (like Steve Harley) who knows what they're doing.<P>You say "I don't think I can handle the situation anymore"...<P>Then I suggest that you discuss with your wife that you want to divorce her, and state the reasons. And use the POJA to come to an agreement over it.<P>If what you really mean is "How am I going to be able to deal with the uncertainty of my wife's (presumed) love and recover a badly damaged marriage while she's pregnant with someone else's child??", then you have another course of question to ask your wife.<P>1. Will she work on the marriage? For real. Doing really hard recovery work, under the supervision of a good counselor. Does she understand what it's going to take, and how her "slip-up"s will affect the process.<P>2. What to do with the pregnancy. Will she consider abortion? Adoption? Will you consider raising the child as yours? Does the OM know? If he does, what role will he play?<P>As Dr. Harley states in this Q&A, you and your wife need to follow the Rule of Honesty and the Policy of Joint Agreement to resolve this successfully. Blues, I've done this personally. It isn't easy, but then again, neither is divorce and the prospect of not living daily with your son (or son and daughter, in my case). Your wife has put you in an incredibly ****ty situation, but you can choose how to respond to it. If you respond well, with love and kindness, regardless of your end decision (divorce or reconciliation), you will not lose.<P>Your risks to try to reconcile the marriage are considerable. You may put yourself through a lot of effort and heartache, and find out that your wife continues to cheat on you. That will be less likely if your wife agrees on qualified counseling and the safeguards are in place so that you are "sure" that she's not cheating.<P>The rewards are also considerable. You have the chance to be your wife's hero after this. If you and she make it through her addiction of this affair successfully, and you both address the deficiencies in your marriage that contributed to this situation, your wife will be very deeply in love with you. It takes a man with strength and depth of character to work through this kind of situation. You will have an opportunity to have a terrific marriage, should you choose to.<P>It's can be a tough situation. My "son" is 6 months old. When I see him, I get a daily reminder of my wife's affair. But I don't see that as a negative---I look at him as a special gift, as our marriage as a gift as well, and I cherish both him and the marriage, and I'm committed to doing the best I can for "both". A lot of this will be hinging on how you are going to view this situation in the future.<P>Good luck. I'd hold off with the talk, but you might want to print the Q & A out and give it to your wife.

Hi everyone, thanks for the advice...problem was I didn't get the chance to see any of it before we left on our trip.. I'll do what I can here to answer any of the questions and give a little update. BTW - K, thanks for all the info. Our son is 7 yrs old, knows something is up with "mommy and daddy" but being 7...well you know. The subject never came up during our drive...in either direction. We got all moved into our new house yesterday but last night it all just really hit me and I broke down. Yeah, I cried like a little baby. She was right there to comfort me, held me and calmed me down, then SHE took me into the bedroom and SHE made love to me. I have talked with Dr. Harley, but she refuses or had refused at that point, maybe now she will? All I know is she keeps talking about seeing someone but that she always mentions a religious figure. Now I'm sorry, we've done that already and none of them helped us one bit other than to say "we need to pray". We pray atleast 5 times a day on this matter and others but that doesn't help us in resolving matters. She thus far has refused to see a professional, I will ask of it one more time though. Both of us have gone over this website in the past, we've purchased a few of the books but like I said, it's been a while, I'll dig them all out again tonight and hopefully have the computer up and running to where we both can get on this site together. She has decided on adoption for this child, the father knows but is demanding a paternity test which he will pay for. I can only hope and pray that some how, some way this child is mine....chances are extremely thin since I was away from home in the time frame it was conceived. Yep, I was up here making plans to get her away from him like she asked, but now she tells me I didn't do it fast enough! The OM has no idea where we have moved to and as far as I can tell that's the way my wife wants it to stay. She has specified to him that all contact with her will have to be made by way of her sister. Now I need to ask you all something, a while back I had notified his wife of what was going on. When I caught him and my wife, he claimed he would do anything, just as long as his wife didn't find out. Well I told him flat out I'd never say a thing to her if all he did was to stay away from my wife. He failed 3 times after that so I spilled the beans to her. Well, I guess he's one of the best bs'ers around because she doesn't think anything happened. Now she is due to give birth to thier second child in November and again he's begged for us not to tell his wife until after thier child is born. Now, she's gonna find out soon enough unless he can keep all the legal stuff on adoption rights and whatnot away for her. Should we/I do this "favor" for him? I tend to think not! I'd love to tell her all about it right now, but also feel that would come off as anger. I thinking of waiting till I have a copy of the paternity test in hand and then send her a copy. What do you all think?

Hello, let me start off by saying that my S never got pregnant by OM. Also, I am a little down today, so take all my comments with a grain of salt. I would add up every expense relating to the affair, and the child...Counciling, doctors, phone bills, paternity test, prenatal care...even the cost of the move! And then I would take the OM and his WIFE (half his money is hers) to court, after presenting him and his wife with an itemized bill, sent to each by registered mail. Of course, that is a big "love buster", but revenge sure feels good!

Snooper - I've had that same exact thought.. Actually I don't think it would be a "buster" I think my wife would actually go for it. She sure does feel he should be paying for something and I think he's going to skip out on paying for the tests. Everytime my wife asked him to come up with the cash, he danced around saying he can't get it together. She knows he's got the money and frankly she's getting a bit p.o'ed.<BR>Is it possible to take him to court for that stuff? I'll have to do a little research and answer that. Gives me something to do other than work...