My husband says he don't love me anymore. We have been married for a little over 2 years and dated for 3 1/2 years. We have NEVER had any problems! That I saw anyway. He got involved with another woman- it was very affectionate but to my knowledge not sexual. He says he don't want to hurt me anymore and that he wants me to just go on and that he just don't love me. I still love him and don't want a divorce. I told him if this is what he wants then he can go file for divorce. I don't understand how you can love someone for 6 years and then just in a little over 2 months throw it away. I just feel helpless! I have gave him his freedom and tried to loose him hoping that he would pull closer to me. No luck! What should I do? Has anyone else ever experienced this?

I am living this right now. Almost the same time frame as you. We were together 3.5 years and we have been married just over 2. He had an emotional affair with my now ex bestfriend. They are now best friends. He feels he can't talk to me, never has been. He thinks he stayed with me because it was easier than breaking up. I don't beleive him, I remember the look in his eyes early inour relationship and marriage. He is just very negative at this time. He mvoed out a week ago, but we have not been living together for 5 weeks (I was and still am at my parents). He signed a lease and will be moving into his new place next weekend. I miss him horribly, he means so much to me. I am giving him space, but continuing to tell him I love him. I am giving him a little more space now because I squeezed him too hard the past few weeks that it made him say that he just wanted out NOW and he wasn't going to drop her for me because he wasn't losing another friend because of this relationship (there was a girl that he was close to when we were dating that he confessed to and never spoke to again-- he sees her as "the one that got away" even though she is married now as well). He was being short and mean with me, he has mellowed a bit. He is confused...soon to turn 24 so very young (I am 25). I am just going to give him the breathing room he has asked for, and hope and pray that he returns. Right now all he sees is her as relaxing and me as pressure. I will continue to show him I love him, and maybe that will grow. This drives me insane most of the time.<P>I don't understand why either, he has given a myriad of explanations, I don't know which of real or anything, but nothing concrete. He doesn't know why, just says he can't love me the way I want him to, he feels he isn't "in-love" with me, he wants more passion than we have, and he is tired and hurt and it is too hard to try. So I hope space helps, it's all i can offer since it is all he will take, space and love. Hope it works or at least hope I can learn to come to grips with it all. I am still in a state of shock and disbelief and mopeing on the floor most of the time. Trying to climb out and work on me now, it's the only thing I can control and fix...so I will take the time and do just that.<P>Jeez, I always write a book. I'd love to hear more posts from you, I like to hear how others are doing and coping in similar situations. I like to hear young marrieds, and it sounds like your story is so similar!<P>Good Luck and hang in there, I know I am trying to.

I filed for divorce last Tuesday. My STBX told me that he can't come back to someone he doesn't love anymore. That hurt alot because I can't see how someone could all of a sudden fall out of love with someone they were with for almost 8 years and have been separated from for 2 months. <P>My response to him about not loving me anymore was "You didn't love me the first day you met me but your love eventually grew for me over the years, that love can be rebuilt, you just choose not to rebuild it".

I am also in the same situation. We were married nearly 2 years together for 4. 4 months ago my husband left me saying he didnt love me anymore. My whole world fell apart. We have an 18 month old baby.<P>2 months ago he asked if we could see each other as friends in hope that his feelings would return. We have been seeing each other once or twice a week, as a couple and family. As yet nothing has changed, he still doesnt want to show me any affection which is so painful, I want to show him affection and he wont let me because it makes him feel awkward. I dont know how long I can keep doing this for, because we get on so well when we are together, like we did when we first met, but without the affection, we have a great day then I dont see him for a week, the pain of missing him is awful. He doesnt even miss me now which hurts, he doesnt bother to contact me. I text him twice a day to tell him i love him, or missing him. But I know his top emotional need is affection, and he wont let me show him any. So what can I do? Sould I carry on texting him, or am I making him feel guilty for not loving me?

Lyndi - I tried everything in my power from reading books, to marital counseling, to changing my ways to bring my husband back. We went to 1 counseling session and he kept cancelling the others. I made every possible effort to reconcile things and he made no effort at all. He would never call me, stop over - nothing. His friends were more important than me and our marriage. <P>I thought I was pushing him further away by pressuring him, sending him letters to tell him that I love him and want to work things out, so I stopped all of that and I really thought that by me stopping all contact was actually pushing him a little closer to me, only to realize that it was to string me along and he never had any intensions of coming back, he wanted a divorce. <P>My H wants his freedom and is giving up absolutely everything to have that freedom. He has no place to live except for jumping from friend to friend. My H wants no responsibilites in his life, well, maybe someday he'll realize that our marriage was worth saving.<P>I'm not sure what kind of advise I can give you because it seems that certain things work for some and other things don't. <P>

What is it that makes them look for love in other places? And how do they just all of a sudden not love someone anymore. I think they are just in loves with thereselfs. We went to the councelor last night. I think he went out of guilt. This was our second session. The councelor told him that if he did not fix the problem that he would have a life time of this. My husband did agree to go back to let me help him. But my thinking is why do I want to make him a better person just for someone elso to have? We are supposed to meet Wednesday to talk but I just don't think there is anything else to say. Sometimes I wander if I just let go completely and went ahead and filed for Divorce if it would pull him closer. But if it don't I will have the regret of "What if I had not done that, Would have it worked out?" I know that I will be okay eventually in the event of a divorce but that is so scarry and I will miss him so much. I sometimes think I am just putting off the pain that will eventually come. I thank God that we do not have any children. I know that must be difficult. Our councelor told us that he had a man that one time for 10 years every 2 years he got married and divorced. Most "love highs" last an average of 2 years. I have read the book LOVE MUST BE TOUGH BY JAMES DOBSON and I recommend it to everyone that is in a similar situation. It says that you can't cry beg and plead for his return. That you have to have the apearance of being calm and collected. I don't know I am trying it. I just want to know where I will be in a month or a year. One more question I am new to this web site and have saw several people talk about plan A and plan B and such. What is that? Where??

They don't 'all of a sudden' not love someone anymore. They probably still do, way down inside. The trouble is they get caught up in the newness of a relationship with someone else...and then they try to rewrite history so they can seem like the good guy. Trust me, I know.

Your right Nina, it is strange how they try to rewrite history. Every disagreement you ever had is thrown up in your face. I believe its some mechanism to try to ease their own guilt. Everything is your fault not theirs. However, I have found in her weak moments she has said I have done nothing wrong its her who did it. Thats about as close to a confession of there wrong doing as it gets. Even when they admit to the affair its more matter of fact. So what-thats your problem to deal with not mine is the w/s attitude.

Anntn. I understand exactly what you are saying. Half of me wants to let my H go, as it is so painful not having your love returned and I miss him terribly, I wonder if I am just wasting my time, and putting myself through this pain for nothing, where I could get be getting over him now.<P>But the other half says I will always wonder What if, if I dont do this, also as we have an 18 month old baby I feel I should try and hang on in there for her. But its so painful to do, when your husband shows you no affection at all, and just acts as a friend.<P>I also wonder how they can love you so much onde day and the next decide they dont love you anymore. I feel my H has had an emotional shutdown, he doesnt seem to really know what he feels anymore, he is so frightend of giving me any false hope, I dont think he would touch me even if he wanted to. But at the moment Im sure he doesnt.<P>I still dont know if his love will ever return. Can it once it goes?

In my opinion love can return once it is lost. Like I said in my previous post. My husband said he doesn't love me anymore and can't live with someone he doesn't love. I told him that the first time he met me he didn't love me, the love grew over time. When your love starts fading away from someone you can rebuild it. <P>You can't make someone love you. If my husband says he doesn't love me anymore, I don't think his love will ever come back for me. We are divorcing and we don't do anything or spend time together for the love to be rebuilt. He just doesn't want to try on his part so I feel its time to let go but it is hard.

I don't want to step on anyone's toes. But I was wondering if anyone has checked out <A HREF="http://www.restorem.org" TARGET=_blank>www.restorem.org</A> <BR>It is a good site if you decide you want to stand for your marriage.<BR>It is all biblical and God can do anything.<P>morriggs@yahoo.com

Morriggs - I did stand up for my marriage. I did everything I could possibly do to save it. It was my H who chose not to make any efforts in wanting it to work. We've had problems in the past and he did tell me that there were times he wanted to leave before. I guess this last arguement we had was the last straw.<P>There is nothing I can do to bring my husband back. There is nothing I can do to make him love me again. His mind is made up and wants this divorce. The only thing I can do is pray that I can be strong once again and get over the hurdles of every day life as I go through this hard time and divorce. I have realized that my marriage is over, it will never be restored and my H is gone for good. This is what is hard to deal with but I have to go on.