Hi! My husband left almost a month ago and now says he doesn't love me and wants a divorce. I have been talking to Dr. Harley and doing the Plan A thing but filed for divorce anyway because of pressure from H and my parents. (to protect the children, myself they say) and now it is a huge mess. H is upset about things said in the papers and wants to come up with a new agreement...family thinks that I am giving him way too much and will regret it later...being nice never brought anyone back and I should just get over it and take care of myself and kids and be a ***** if I need to....Court is on Thursday am for the hearing and I'm desperately trying to avoid this...I can't face him in court!! I can't quit crying...all day! Took the middle one to counselor and she wouldn't even go in. I can't handle this...it's too much. I have three small children to take care of and the pressure is enormous. I DO NOT WANT THIS DIVORCE! I feel like no one cares about what I want...just that he is a jerk and I need to get what I can and move on. This has happened so fast and I can't process it all. If it weren't for these kids I would kill myself...but I can't because of them so I'm just crumbling instead and getting flack from everyone to "get over it" and stop worrying about him. I don't want to go on without him....he is a part of my family and I know he just needs help and we would be ok. Sorry for my rambling....I'm just very upset right now.

(((((((((((((((((((((aspen))))))))))))))))))))))<P>It is happening very fast for you, way too fast for you even to think about big decisions. Is there any way you can delay the hearing? Get your counselor to write a letter stating you are not ready for this? If you can't delay it, do you really have to go on Thursday?<P>You are being forced into a corner by everyone concerned and that is not fair...you need to take a strong stand and let all know you will not do this so soon.<P>I know you don't feel one bit like digging your heels in because with your grief, you don't have the energy...but you DO have to get up enough energy to look after your best interests here, and they are NOT rushing this through when you can't even think straight.<P>Have you seen a doctor? Are you on anti-d's. They take a while to kick in, but they will help you to think straight.<P>Love and light,<P>Jacky

They said I could delay it but that it wasn't in my best interest because then "nothing has changed" and I don't have any protection from him coming/going in the house, taking the kids, cars as he pleases. My dad was especially hard tonight (he is helping me financially through this) and said "Why would you WANT to delay this? He isn't going to come back". I am on Anti-D's but they are not working.<P>H just called asking about the girls and for the first time I just broke down crying to him (wrong I know) and he was just cold. I said "I still don't know why you want this divorce" and he just said...I'll call you tomorrow. He just doesn't care right now....I guess I should just get over it like they say....and not be nice anymore....I just want to run away from it all. I can't cope right now.<P>

It sounds to me like you may be getting a mixture of good and ignorant advice. It's true that being nice won't bring your husband back. It's true that you need to look out for your interests and the interests of your kids. But, telling you to "just get over it" is plain silly. If you lose a couple of limbs and a few internal organs, you don't just "get over it", and you don't just "get over" betrayal and divorce either. It's going to take you a long time even to figure out what it <I>means</I> to you to "move on", let alone to do it.<P>Despite what you feel, I'm sure there are those who <I>do</I> care what you want. But, it doesn't appear that what you want has any bearing on what is happening to you at the moment. Sometimes we just have to do what we have to do, regardless of what we want, and we have neither the time nor the opportunity to indulge ourselves.<P>I don't think there's anything wrong with being nice, or with hoping that your husband will eventually experience a change of heart. But if you want your husband to respect you, you must learn to stand up for yourself and your kids. Remember, you need to work for respect of the man you believe your husband <I>can</I> be, not the man he currently seems to be.<P>But standing up for yourself doesn't mean you need to find a way to stop hurting. You're going to hurt. It doesn't mean you need to find a way to like the situation or what you have to do. You're going to hate it. And it doesn't mean you need to process everything all at once and commit yourself to any long-term direction. You just need to take one step at a time.<BR>