I phoned my H yesterday evening to ask him why he never bothered to call to tell me he wasn't going to collect his things. I ended up telling him the divorce date will probably be this Friday or next. I said it because I wanted to shock him. Anyway he put phone down on me again. I was so upset and depressed I decided to drink wine. Well I was a little tipsy so decided to call again. He was on voice mail. Now I am a very happy drunk person. So I said, Hey there, why are you on voicemail, how are you doing. He called back at about 12am! I was asleep by then.<P>We spoke about a lot. Feelings. His dad. He was telling me how he (H) has gained weight and that he is now a fat pig. That he gambled all his money when he still lived here and now that he is there is just drinks and smokes dagga(weed). Throughout our years together he never smoked dagga. He told me he had tried it long ago. We told each other we'd get through this (separately). He swore there was no one in his life. He said he'd always love me. I told him he'd be remarried within a year. He told me he had something to tell me, but he'd send a letter. I thought he was going to say he is with someone, so I said please tell me now. He told me he remembers all the good things as well as the bad. (last year he told me he remembers only the bad things). I cried throughout our conversation. I told him he probably didn't want to know me anymore. He said that there'd be only one reason for that. I said what is that. He said if I'd slept with someone else. Well I never gave him a straight answer on that one. I told him I wouldn't tell him either way. He said he'd take that as confirmation. (I have slept with my X boyfriend, but it is over, it was one night, and I know now that that is not what I want out of life. I want a real relationship, with real love.) Needless to say sleep did not come easy after this.<P>He said he wants to be there for the divorce. I said please don't come. He said it is an important part of his life and that he will be there. I pleaded with him not to come. He said he needed closure.<P>This morning he phoned to find out if I have a date yet. I don't. He said he feels really lost this morning. I said I'm sorry I cried over the phone last night. He said it was ok. We said goodbye. <P>Have we just allowed our wounds to be scratched open again? What will become of us? How did we lose each other....<P>Pantha

Well, some people say that old ounds heal...as long as you don't pick at them. I think you two had a good scratch. <P>I had an icky call myself today, and my stomach is just churning now. I'll post it later, maybe. Basically, I picked my own wound.<P>What was your H's tone of voice? That is important. It is so hard to tell anything when they are far away. Well at least yours is TALKING to you about feelings, etc. Mine will NOT. <P>I think it sounds like progress, but you know, don't you Pantha, that if you two DO try to reconcile, that you are going to have to tell him about the one night stand, aren't you? Because you will want total honesty from him, and he should have the same.<P>Sorry, I can't think straight right now, but I just wanted you to know that someone here is awake.<P>Love and light,<P>Jacky<P>

Hey Nina<P>thank you for being here for me!! Post your call, it helps to get things down 'on paper' and to go over what you are feeling.<P>I doubt we will get together. I do know that I'd have to be honest about the one night thing, but if he knew it would destroy him. I also strongly think that he has slept with other women since our split. I don't want to ask, the answer will be too much to bear, but I'm sure I'm right, just don't need it confirmed. If he ever pulls himself together emotionally and financially I might (probably really) want to get back with him.<P>I told him I would like to see the old 'K' again. I told him this morning that he can pick himself up before he reaches rock bottom. I told him I'm worried about him and that he must look after himself. He said the same about me.<P>Yes he is finally talking about feelings. But this is after over 2 months of only communicating in a business like fashion. We talked as friends - it came naturally - like it was long before. But the reality is, we are in the middle of the divorce, and we have done the damage to the marriage and sometimes we just need to move on. Oh he also said 'we were just not meant to be together'. So that also hurt. He also said 'as i have said before... if I can't make it work with you.. I can't make it work with anyone'. <P>Nina maybe your H will one day open up to you. I hope if that is what you want that it will happen for you. I never expected this conversation to take place... ever...<P><BR>About tone of voice. Friendly, sad... normal sounding, as opposed to distant and cold.<P>Pantha

I beleive what we do we do to ourselves, and I had to come to a point where i quit hurting myself, I do understand hinm needing closure and it sounds like maybe you do also. I hope that what ever becomes of the two of you that you are both happy. I got a call yesterday it must have been phone call day for us LOL. My call wasn't pleasant and there was not much emotion, out of the blue she calls , said she was upset because she found a letter I had wrote her way back when, well at least she saved those letters, I wonder why??? she then proceeded to start telling me everything I did wrong and trying to justify her leaving again, you would think she just left yesterday. I think the quilt and pain are getting her and she needed to give me a dose of pain so she could feel better, I told her please leave me alone and move on it is over let it die. She then made some threats and i told her to tell anyone she needed to tell about things i did.I will not be threatened or intimidated into act or behaving a certain way.<P>

I am so tired of all of this. Yesterday we phoned each other and tried to hang on maybe... Maybe we expected the other one to want the other back. I don't know. In a way I wanted him to ask me. To fight for me. Well we got into our old rut of arguing... and you know what? I don't want to go there again. I can't live like that anymore. I also realise he has not grown as a person and still blames me for filing for the divorce! Because I filed... I am to blame according to him! That makes me so angry! He doesn't realise that it is numerous things that lead me to file for divorce. Not one specific thing. Yes there was a final straw though.<P>I guess it hurts too much to speak to him. He is really messed up right now. Drinking and drugging. Do I want someone with those problems in my life? I don't think that is fair to me. <P>To make things worse.. my lawyer said he had a letter from H's lawyer that they are going to 'defend'. Uugghhh. So I asked H what's up with that now. He didn't know anything about it. I am so frustrated. I just wish this was all over.<P>Pantha

Hi Pantha,<P>Its only natural that we will always have feelings for our spouses whatever may have happened, there is just too many good memories of our marriage’s left within us . We want it to over but the memories bring back feelings of the way it used to be and this personally for me slows down the process of closure. <P>Im also so frustrated that the divorce its not finally over. After finding out the reason for our marriage breakup ,I now want the divorce more than ever. But know Im told that my W is now saying that maybe this is not what she really wants, she is questioning her judgement and also trying to stall the divorce process. Maybe she is scared of what might come up in court or maybe she wants me back, but for me there is no reconciliation or going back. She will never ever get the chance to do what she did to me again. I Know deep down that in time I will forgive her but never forget and for the children’s sake I will try to be friendly towards her. <P>Be strong, its tuff going through the final stages of divorce.<BR>

NWTCO thank you for your reply. I hope that things will get better for you.<P>I just actually wanted to add here something else that we spoke about yesterday. I asked him if all that he'd said the night before was true and he said yes. I asked when last he had feelings for me before what he said last night, because I thought it was more than a year ago. He said he loved me more than ever the last 4 months that we were together. Please understand here I had been Plan Aing here for the previous 7 months. 3 months which he showed little respect for me. After that things improved but for me they were never quite as good as before. I never felt secure at all. So I did tell him it never felt the same again for me. But what I really want to say here is for the plan A people that our spouses do notice the efforts. Even if it takes time. Also realise that at this time he was not doing the OW (according to my knowledge) but was working with her. I didn't realise how closely. <P>Basically people who are Plan Aing just keep going if you have the strength, but don't be a door mat either. That is important, because after the first 3 months I had enough - I told him that I have tried and its not working, but I can walk away with a clear conscience can you? That is when things started to get better between us.