I filed for divorce one week ago today. The H wanted the divorce so I filed. I filed because if it was up to him, he would not get an attorney and would let this separation drag on for years. I also filed because he lies to me about things and I feel that I am better off without him and I've heard that there is someone else.<P>He made absolutely no efforts since our separation to even want to try and give me or our marriage a chance. He never called me or came and saw me and always put his friends first. This was our first separation and have been separated for 2 months. When I told him that I filed for divorce he wanted to know when he would be getting his papers. He also told me that he can't stand women and don't want to put up with their crap anymore. I also gave him a list of bills that he would be responsible to pay once the divorce is final. I'm sorry to say but he will not be able to live the life he once had when we were together. He won't even be able to afford to get his own place. He gave up me, a marriage, a home, dogs, material things etc. to live the life he wants.<P>My question is that even though your W or H made no possible efforts at all to want to make your marriage work, told you they are 100% positive they want a divorce, don't love you anymore and wants to move on, did something open up their eyes or change them to really want to make your marriage work after they got the papers or even when they signed the papers wanting the divorce too.<P>Thanks<P>

Well, I'll wade in here. <P>I will answer your question with aother question--Why bother? It sounds as though you are holding out hope that something will work out between you. I read somewhere in another thread here that most of us do the same thing, that is fantisize about everything being OK in the end--happily ever after and all of that. Well, its been my experience (albeit short experience) that happy endings do occur but only if you make your own happiness. It seems to me that would begin with you acknowledging that its over and there is a world of possibilities ahead of you.<P>For what its worth, it sounds to me like your stbx is a crud so again--why bother? You gave him X number of years of the best you had and if that's not good enough then I assure you that such will not be the case forevcer. Someone will appreciate you for who you are and what you offer to a relationship and crud-boy will fade from your memory.<P>Honest--life does get back to normal and like you stated at the first of your post--you're probably better off without him.<P>Hang tough.<P>Lou

Im in the same boat. However, my divorce will be final in about 10 days. Im to the point where I really dont want her back. She was W/S and I tried like hell to make things better she refused everything. I got to the point I wasnt going to loose anymore self respect. Im on to rebuilding my life now. She will be sorry sometime and will have noone to blame but her self. Tell yourself I deserve to be loved for who I am. I deserve to be with someone who loves me and respects me. I am taking a big financial bath as is anyone who gets a divorce. However, I look back 15 tears ago and see what Ive done with myself. I like the phoenix will rise from these ashes and be better-stronger and wiser. Im not affraid or down on women. They are not all the same, just like no two people are the same. Watch out for yourself. No one will do a better job of that than you.

Thanks for your replies.<P>Maybe I should have worded this a little differently or maybe explained it differently. What I wanted to know is even though the W or H is the one who didn't want this marriage to work at all, did they eventually have doubts or realize that your marriage was worth saving and tried to plead, beg or reconcile with you even after they signed the papers. Here in Pennsylvania there is a 90 waiting period until the divorce is final. <P>I have no hope for my marriage. I did at one point but realized that I can't continue living with someone who can't be honest with me about things and who puts others ahead of me and our marriage. I need to get on with my life but it still hurts because I just can't stop having feelings for someone I cared about and loved for almost 8 years.

In my case no. Ex couldn;'t wait to get the divorce final. In Virginia there is a 1 year wating period after separation if you have kids. In that year you must stay separated. She tore a path to the courthouse on the one year anniversary. Actually, now that its over, the animosity on he part is gone. I am moving forward (that really bothers her) but we both know that its over. in fact I told her sometime back that my next relationship will be with someone who is selfless, honest and caring, and i didn't think that she could step up to the plate. oops <P>Louis

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by ela611:<BR><B><BR>I need to get on with my life but it still hurts because I just can't stop having feelings for someone I cared about and loved for almost 8 years.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>It sounds like we're in very similar boats. He moved out a week ago and we saw a mc yesterday - he has no intention of reconciliation - after 22 years of marriage. There was no warning; 9/12 tells me he's been unhappy for years, 9/17 in his apartment. Done. over. I never had a clue he was unhappy - I honestly thought we had a great marriage. Now I know he's been cheating for years. Don't know whether there's a current somebody or not - and at this point I just don't care.<P>I'm going to be getting some intensive counseling for myself so that I can get past this and get on with my life.<P>Yes, I want to keep crying and asking why, but it's not doing any good and I'll probably never know why. Slowly, ever so slowly, it hurts just a little bit less.<BR>