Just got this in my email. Too funny.<P>My Day<BR> <BR> Message:<P> 9:51 AM<BR> Attention, all tenants. Your attention, please. We<BR> will be testing the fire alarm system in this building<BR> throughout the day. Please disregard all alarms.<BR> Repeat, please disregard any alarm you hear. Thank you<BR> for your attention. <P> - - - -<P> 10:17 AM<BR> Attention, all tenants. Something just occurred to me.<BR> Earlier, I told you to disregard any alarms you hear.<BR> But what if there really were a fire in the building<BR> today? There is not a fire. Repeat, there is not a<BR> fire. I'm just speculating here. If there were a fire,<BR> which there is not, you would disregard the alarm,<BR> because that's what we said to do. Man, that would be<BR> bad. I'm going to have to think about how to handle<BR> this. Thank you for your attention. <P> - - - -<P> 10:19 AM<BR> Attention, all tenants. I think I've got it. If there<BR> is an actual fire — and there is not presently a fire,<BR> repeat, there is not a fire — but if there is, I or<BR> one of my colleagues will come on this intercom system<BR> and say, "This is not a test." That will be in<BR> addition to the fire alarm, which you would normally<BR> disregard, today only, because we're testing the fire<BR> alarm system. So please disregard all alarms unless<BR> they are accompanied by someone saying, "This is not a<BR> test." But wait, that's in quotation marks. I'm not<BR> saying that this, right now, is not a test. I'm saying<BR> that's what you will hear in the event of a non-test<BR> alarm. Thank you for your attention. <P> - - - -<P> 10:46 AM<BR> Attention, all tenants. Your attention, please. We<BR> apologize for that last alarm. As you may have heard,<BR> someone said, "This is not a test" and a lot of you<BR> ended up running for the fire exits. Which is good,<BR> except for the running part. You should walk, not run.<BR> But other than that, you did the right thing, those of<BR> you that headed for the exits. Because that's what we<BR> had told you to do, if there was a fire and someone<BR> said, "This is not a test." What happened was my<BR> partner here, Dan's his name, he took it upon himself<BR> to test this new non-test alarm procedure, which after<BR> all was untested. I'm not saying he was wrong to do<BR> it, although it's not a decision I would have made<BR> myself. And you know, it turned out it was kind of<BR> hard to hear the difference between "This is not a<BR> test" and "This is only a test," what with that noisy<BR> alarm going off. So let's try a different approach. I<BR> think what we need here is a special word of sorts,<BR> which we won't say unless there's an actual fire. So<BR> if you hear this particular word, the alarm is not a<BR> test, and you should exit the building in an orderly<BR> fashion. Let's see. What's a good word? Okay, I've got<BR> one. But I'll only say it once, because after that, if<BR> you hear this word over this intercom, that means<BR> there's a fire. But this time, when I say it, which<BR> I'm about to, that doesn't mean there's a fire.<BR> Repeat, there is no fire. I'm just telling you the<BR> special word for future reference. We will never, ever<BR> say this word unless there's a real, honest-to-god<BR> fire. The word is this: umbrella. Thank you for your<BR> attention. <P> - - - -<P> 11:11 AM<BR> Attention, all tenants. This is the hardest<BR> announcement I've ever had to make. I'm going to have<BR> to go back on my promise. I'm about to say that<BR> special word, the one that I swore not to say unless<BR> there was a fire. But there is no fire. Repeat, there<BR> is no fire. So when I say it, please disregard.<BR> "Umbrella" — there, I said it — isn't going to work<BR> out. It seems there's a company on the eighth floor<BR> called Purple Umbrella Productions. So there are all<BR> sorts of non-fire-related reasons someone might say<BR> that word over the intercom. Listen, I want to choose<BR> another word, but I'm not familiar with all the<BR> companies in this building, so it's gonna take a while<BR> to come up with a word that won't cause another<BR> "umbrella" debacle. I'm so, so sorry. Thank you for<BR> your attention. <P> - - - -<P> 12:08 PM<BR> Attention, all tenants. We have completed the testing<BR> of the fire alarm system. Please disregard all<BR> previous orders to disregard. Thank you for your<BR> attention.
