My H and I have been married for 10 years. We have a 6 year old daughter and I'm two months pregnant now. I discovered that he cheated on me 3 years ago. He finally confessed, cried, and said he will never do it again. (typical, right) I never got over it. I never really trusted him anymore. Since that time, I've been constantly suspicious that something is still going on, but not necessarily with that person and I don't know who.<BR>This morning I discovered that a "toy" of ours was missing. This made me emotionally upset. He is also the type of person that would move it, just to make me suspect something. But I still think he's up to something. My H LOVES sex. I do everything he request, but it seems its never enough. <BR>Don't get me wrong, he is a very affectionate person, he says he loves me all the time and shows it constantly, which keeps me totally confused. (He's also very secretive.) <BR>What should I do, I love him so much, my daughter worships him, in her eyes he could do no wrong. But I'm hurting so bad inside. I've prayed and prayed. Any advice? Should I just give up? Should I confront him about it (the missing toy), even though he'll turn it around and say I don't trust him (which I don't) and end up making me feel bad for mentioning it? HELP!!!!

Only you can answer the question you pose in your subject line. <P>When your husband confessed and pledged not to stray again, did you and he get to the bottom of why he did in the first place? What was he missing in the marriage that made him look outside? I ask that not to place blame, but to point out that affairs don't come out of a void- there are reasons for them. If you can change the characteristics of the marriage that let to the affair, you can prevent future affairs and live with more confidence in your mate.<P>Your post is full of clues that this work was never done: "constantly suspicious" "I don't trust him" "He's very secretive" etc. It sounds like three years ago you just repainted a crumbling foundation, and now you have much harder work ahead of you.<P>Without knowing you at all, I know you and he have at least two good reasons to stay together: one of them is six, and the other will show up in about seven months. Unlike a lot of us, you and he are still in the same house- that makes the work easier.<P>Would you be able to talk with him about the "toy" without accusing him? When he says "You don't trust me" tell him that you want to, but you need him to help you by being honest? Suggest to him that you and he read this site together as a start on rebuilding? <P>If you're able to start that conversation, the way the conversation goes will start to answer your subject question for you.

Yes, we did discuss it. He said I nor our relationship had anything to do with what he did and that he was sorry. But things continue to "pop up". Your response was great and deserving, but If I actually knew what led to it, I could work on that.

I think in the majority of cases in which a spouse cheats, there is a lack in the marriage (at least in the WS's eyes) that led to the affair, but that's not always the case. Some folks are addicted to sex, some find it impossible to resist a temptation, and some have mental or emotional problems that truly aren't caused by the marriage. <P>I'm writing this because while it's important to look objectively (so hard to do!) at the marriage and what's gone wrong, it's also important to realize that the reasons for his cheating may, as he said, have nothing to do with you.<P>Here's what I recommend:<P>1) Get into therapy ASAP, preferably with your H. You have a lot of emotional trauma to deal with, and a counselor can help you find your way to healing. Counseling will also help you two communicate more effectively. And finally, if your H. has mental health issues, marriage counseling can lead him to the individual counseling he needs--and he does need it, not just because of the affairs, but because he's apparently capable of moving a "toy" just to mess with your mind, according to your original post.<P>2) Read everything about affairs that you can find on this website. You're far from alone, and others have wonderful insights that will really help you.<P>3) Take care of yourself. You need shoulders to cry on (plenty of those here!), you need extra rest because of the emotional strain you're under, not to mention your physical state, and you need to eat healthily, even if you don't feel like eating. Can you find someone to take your daughter for awhile when you need time for you? Having to be the Happy Mommy makes the strain tougher to deal with.<P>Don't be in a hurry to leave. Right now, the pain must feel overwhelming: he betrayed you, then betrayed your fragile trust in him. I had a friend once who went through a very similar situation to yours. She went to a suport group, where she learned that next to the death of a child, a WS is the worst emotional pain one can face. Some people describe it as "Getting shot in the heart." That's sure what I felt like. You may want to leave right now to get away from the source of your pain, but don't--at least, don't yet.<P>Give yourself the emotional space you need. Recognize that the pregnancy hormones make this even harder to cope with. And make an appointment with a counselor--today.<P>Good luck and God bless.

Thank you so much for your reply, I really needed that. I've always wanted to look into counseling, but can't afford it. Everyone I could or would talk to, knows us both which makes it hard to confide. On the outside looking in, we look like the world's happiest couple. <P>You're absolutely right that I need emotional space, but I have no where to go.

Check with your or your husbands employer you have benefits for counseling or an employee assistance program. Also most states have a mental health board that offers counseling on a sliding fee scheduled based on ability to pay. <P>Hope that helps alittle and keep praying thats alwasy the best way to find answers.

If you are a member of a church, look for support groups through there, as well. You always have somewhere to turn- it just may take a little digging to find it.<P>

About counseling: I was once in the same situation regarding knowing nearly all the counselors, having an "I'm doing great!" image to uphold. This was after my Dad died, so it wa just me, not a couples thing. You know what I did? I swallowed my pride and went anyway. Several times I ran into people I knew while I was in the lobby, but I just inwardly winced and told myself I was doing them a favor by showing htem anyone can need counseling. As for knowing the counselors: to good counselors, it doesn't matter if they know you or not, once you're in their office.<P>You don't necessarily have to have physical space to have emotional space. Sometimes the bathroom is the only place to go to; hey, at least it has a lock on the door! Regardless, you need to spend time in your mind, by yourself. For awhile, you don't need to buy into your husband's problems. Give yourself an emotional break.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by belle:<BR>You don't necessarily have to have physical space to have emotional space. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Hey- could you e-mail my wife that comment? Oh, shoot, too late, she already moved out to find her "emotional space..."<P>

I rarely check in at MB twice in one day, but I did today, so I'm going to post one more message.<P>It's much, much easier to get emotional space if there is physical space. I've been doing the emotional space thing while living in the same house for over a year, and it's tough. BTW, my H. was trying to get emotional space, too, which helped in some ways and hurt in others. For me, giving myself emotional space has meant not spending time in the same room as he is when I am feeling most vulnerable and/or he is being most hurtful. I don't avoid constructive discussions, though. I have learned to keep myself in a calm room inside myself when he is being difficult. This is still tough for me, as I'm an emotional person and tend to react strongly. It helps me, and I think it's good for my H, too. <P>In your situation, Beyond, it should also give you a badly-needed sense of control--not total, but a healthy amount of control--over your situation. Your H. has been holding all the cards, and I know how exhausting and disspiriting that can be. By giving yourself space on the inside, you'll remain clamer on the outside. He may not like that and may even goad you to try to bring out the "old you" he's familiar and comfortable with, but ultimately, he'll realize that YOU are in charge of you!<P>I don't want to recommend this for you, but I also don't share a bedroom with my husband anymore. I mention this because the thought may have gone through your head, and I don't think you should necessarily act on it. In my case, my decision had to do more with his complaints about my sleep problems--I developed a spasmodic, kicking sort of twitch in my legs, and even though I've been to two doctors and a sleep clinic, I can't seem to get it under control. It was keeping him awake so much, I finally moved out of the room. The "emotional distance" between us has kept me there. Also, in my case, my H. told me he didn't think he loved me anymore, and I was too hurt and protective of my Self to share a bed with him.<P>Why do I think it's not a good idea in your case? First, because it's too early to give up. You and your daughter both love him very much. You are still somewhere in Plan A territory. You have a right to sleep in your own bed, and it's a nightly reminder to him that he promised YOU "for better or for worse." Moving out of the bedroom wouldn't give you emotional space; it would ensure emotional isolation. In a way, it's a sort of mini-divorce that makes it harder to work things out and get back together. Definitely contrary to Plan A!<P>This is longer than I meant it to be. I'm thinking of you, Beyond, and praying for you, too. Hope it helps to know that you have people putting their arms around you via cyberspace.