Guys,<BR>Having a great day today. Sent the wife a little email this morning, telling her that she and the kids have been heavy on my heart (most of this concerns the upcoming war/turmoil). I will be working and oncall should thing heat up and I just wanted to tell them I loved them and missed them. I also (thanks to Anna/Nina/Jilly) thanked her for helping me get over my past and be at peace with it. She didnt respond, but I wanted to tell her anyway. I am backing off and just taking it one day at a time.<P>Anyway, my new place is AWESOME. Wife seemed happy, but was specific about saying, "Its not a house though (sigh)" It is closer and frankly it is costing me a fortune. I told her, I didnt get a house, because i need to be around other people, to meet some new friends, etc. She didnt say much. I agreed to help her with some of her bills and she always says "I dont want you to feel obligated to do this, but it would help. I dont want you to expect something in return for helping me". I said "I dont and I wont. I just want to help YOU and the kids, because I can and I wasnt always there for you when I had all of my problems" I left it at that. She agreed to accept it. I also emailed (yesterday) and asked her what I did that annoyed her. She said, "Constant email on a daily basis 12 times a day" That was a gross exaggeration. Most was replies back to her emails or replies about the kids. Anyways she ended her repsonse with "That is pretty much it". So, I am only contacting her by email when she initiates or something important/kids stuff.<P>She went through and got together a bunch of old childrens videos together and gave them to me yesterday went I picked up some anti-ds for her and drove them over (50 minute in traffic) to her place. She was grateful and gave me a sack of videos and said to give them to our niece, who just happens to live in the same apartment complex. She didnt have to do that. Matter of fact when I told her that my brother, his wife, and my niece were living accross from me she got this mushy, sad look. I was excited, she just kinda slumped. We loved doing stuff with my brother and his wife.<P>One thing that my wife had some difficulty with was how close my family was. We do so much together. Football games, dinner, golf, vacation. Her folks are always travelling and she is there by herself. The do things together, but the FIL and MIL are always gone and have even roped off the top floor of the house so the kids cant come down to the second floor. They have to use the elevator. I hope she will maybe go to counseling soon.<P>How should I approach this. At first she refused outright. Then the counselor wanted to just talk on the phone with her. She agreed. I then said I would pay for her to go by herself. She said "I dont know about all of that. I thought you just wanted me to talk to him on the phone. We left it at that. Should I wait a while and let her alone?

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by RobC:<BR>Having a great day today. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>You are sounding "up" - I'm glad for you. And it must be great to be so close to family- my nearest relatives are 335 miles away, and I miss them a lot now.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><BR>Should I wait a while and let her alone?<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I would wait, wait, wait... you presented the options, let her deal with them for a while. The waffling (no counseling, ok phone counseling, no counseling) and her comments on your e-mails suggest to me that pushing her more will push her away.<P>

Rob,<BR>Wish I could be of more help, but all I can do is tell you how I felt when I left after I had an affair. My X all of the sudden wanted to go to counseling after I finally left. All of the sudden wanted to go on a date, just the 2 of us with no kids. But I was so emotionally worn out from the emotional abuse, I just wanted to be left alone ---- I was physically and emotionally exhausted!!! I was tired of him calling, e-mailing, begging for another chance when I told him all along for years he was pushing me away because of the accusations he made to me accusing me of having numerious affairs (which I didn't).<P>I might have given him a second chance if I knew from my heart that he would change, but he will never change. He will always have the detective, controlling, manipulative demeanor in him. I knew this because he taped me when while asking questions about the affair. He told me I could not be friends with certain girlfriends that I had known for 8 yrs or so. He said, they were white trash and inspired me to have the affair (bullcrap)!!!! No one makes you do anything!!!!!<P>Two years after my divorce, I still don't know why I had an affair since that is something I totally disapprove of. Maybe because I was so emotionally withdrawn from my marriage for so many years. Maybe because the emotional support meant so much to me in my marriage and I never had it ---- then when someone came along and paid attention to me and appreciated me, I came out of my shell, woke up and realized I am human and I don't deserve to be treated this way. I have realized there are very sympathetic, sweet men in this world. This site is proof of it .<P>My heart goes out to the many ones that are trying to save their marriage because the pain and hurt is very real. Maybe giving her space will ease her mind. You are truly doing an exceptional job. I personally like it when men are secure enough with themselves to admit they may have been wrong, they may have not been there for the support their wife needed and they are willing to change to save the marriage. Most of all, work on yourself through this tough period and find out what you like and what makes you happy. This is experience to gain and learn knowledge from and change within yourself. Keep up the good work!!!!