Everyone close to me, including my family, friends, my husband's brother & sister-in-law, tells me that I should move on. My life will be better off without my husband. Although I agree with them, I still can't believe that my marriage is falling apart... <BR> My husband and I have only been married for 8 months before I was hit by the news - I was in total shock and disbelief when I found out his plan of divorcing me. He refused to talk and basically wanted me to move out. I was crushed & heartbroken. I couldn't work, couldn't be alone, couldn't do anything. He pretty much just ignored me. A girlfriend felt too sorry for me that she moved me to her house, and I have been living there since then. <BR> My understanding of his issues is that he feels I am a poor wife because "I don't follow his rules." My husband has a lot of "rules" and expects me to follow them. He has an image of how his wife should be, and criticizes me often when I don't fit this image. I try very hard to be "compatible", but he still feel he is unhappy with me despite of my efforts. When I protest, his reaction is "so let's get a divorce" instead of "let's work out our problems." <BR> I don't understand what happened to my husband's "commitment" of our marriage. When people get married, isn't it understood that you work together to resolve your conflicts? How can he totally reject his wife only after 8 months of marriage?<BR> Despite of the hurt and humiliation, I have been trying very hard to talk to him, ask him to see a counselor with me. He is willing to spend a little bit of time with me each week, but he is still pessimistic about our future together. It really hurts when he chooses to reserve and spend time with his friends instead of with me, even when I beg.<BR> Should I keep trying, despite of the hurt and the little hope that my husband will come around? Am I wasting my time? I don't want a divorce, but I am afraid I can't avoid it...

In my opinion, he sounds like a control freak. Anyone who is going to make their spouse follow "their" rules does not care about the spouse. It sounds like your husband is like this. It is unusual, however, for the controlling husband to initiate divorce. The controlling behavior is usually due to insecure feelings about losing your spouse. <P>If he won't seek counseling, you should. If you have a pastor you can talk to, that would probably be your best option. He/She can refer you to a counselor who specializes in the exact problem you are facing. You may also want to check in to support groups for spouses of controlling mates.<P>If after all of this, he still is unwilling to change, call his bluff. I am not in favor of divorce in most cases, but this is considered mental abuse. If you were married in the church, you may even be able to get an annulment. You really shouldn't have to put up with this.<P>One question, though, was he like this before you got married, or did it start shortly after you said "I do"?

valen, i suspect you know everything points toward a divorce. i too think a divorce is the way to go. seems to me you've been through enough already to invest anymore of yourself in such a shakey marriage. doesn't sound like you ever got that much out of the marriage anyway. i think you should move on. there are millions of men that are a lot better and better for you than the one you have. happy hunting, and good luck!!

Valen........<P> I see it like Becky hes a control fread. I am with Frankie move on before you get hurt more or waste more time. Its a good thing you see it now then later say after kids are involved. Believe me I have been there. People control or try to in different ways. I could not believe when I read he has his rules of being a wife. You sould like you should be a robot not a spouse. Thats not marriage. If he threatens divorce I see it as your the lucky one getting rid of him. Like Frankie said there are plenty more good men out there I have yet to find one too. Take care keep us informed.

Becky, Frankie & Wonder,<P>Thanks for your reply & support. I have been attending regular Sunday service at church and meeting new friends at the fellowship. A few of them know about my situation and have been very supportive. I have also tried to keep myself busy at work. I am a manager at a software company and have a lot of responsibilities. Despite of all the activities going on, I find myself crying a lot both at home and at work (behind closed office door.) <P>Perhaps my husband will file for divorce regardless of my efforts. In California, it is easy to get a divorce. I know it will take time to heal the wound. I know someone else will come into my life. I know I will survive. It just hurts...

By the way, I forgot to answer Becky's question. No, I didn't find out about a lot of his rules (living habits) until we got married and lived together. You will laugh at some of the things he complains about me: I make too much noise when doing the dishes, I am wasteful because I leave food in the frig and forget to eat them, etc.

Valen............<P> I know about hurting cause I am still there. I am so bitter towards men right now don't know if I can ever trust one again. But at least dear you like I said found out now. Better then like me 14 years later. The hurt will go away I think faster for you. Gee you make to much noise for doing dishes. Thats the most stupid thing I have ever heard of. Funny how some don't show there true colors till after they marry. Or years later :-( I don't know what it is with these males thinking they need to control us. But some of us get wise about it and some unfortuatly put up with it. We are human not puppets and thats what hes trying to make you feel like a puppet he can pull and tug when ever he wants to. And I see your not going to let him do that. Believe me it would get worse for you before it ever got better. Just be thankful for friends believe me they have saved me alot. Keep us informed. We are family.<BR>

I felt compelled to write, don't know if you are still checking replies to your topic...I am in almost the same situation as you...my husband has asked for a divorce after only 8 months as well. The only difference is he hasn't shown the controlling tendencies. Although, it's because I am not more "optimistic" and fall into depression "too easily" We lived 90 miles apart when we met and when we married I sold my home, quit my job and moved into the trailor he had been living in (which we rent from his parents) I had a hard time adjusting to the new town, new job (that I DIDN'T like) and the fact that I had no friends -- other than his family and HIS friends. He started spending more and more time w/his friends and basically avoiding me. <P>I hope this finds you in a better frame of mind. I am starting to believe myself that I am better off without a man that can't allow himself to love and accept someone with their faults. The thing that is so hard is when they are CONVINCED of something based on false information.<P>Hang in there, we will get through this!<BR>

Hi Valen731,<P>I would start thinking about yourself. I am married to a man who was controlling. I am still living with my husband but I know how low you can go. I have a daughter which is one of the main reason I have tried my best to come through all of this. To the outside they thought think we're great because he would let me go out and have friend over. He would buy me things. On the inside he was a different character. He wanted everything done his way. I was brought up at home and my mum never taught me how to run a house. When I left home it was hard work. With my own daughter I am going to make sure I teach her how she should run a home. I remember having my only child, I vow never to have any more because the experience wasn't what I imagined. My husband would intervene every step of the way, whether I was feeding, changing or whatever, I felt like a lousy mother. 10 months ago my baby nephew came to stay at our house, I started to change his nappy and guess what my husband was there again trying to show me his way. (You'd never guess that when he went back to work, when she was six months old I cope well enough without him!) I went back to work when she was 3 years old full time and this was a turning point for me. I now had my own money. In our home my husband had bought the majority of the furniture etc and he reminded me of this all the time. "If I leave you'll be left with nothing". I eventually bought a car, he gave me £400 deposit and I've never heard the last of it. A couple of years ago I left him and went to stay with relatives. I had got a sofa in my name because my husband has changed his job and it was £2,000 I knew on my own I couldn't afford it. He said it wouldn't be a problem he'd sort it. I had a car and this used up alot of my money. He told me that I had got the sofa so I could pay for it. I was struggling because he had come out of work yet again and he couldn't afford to pay me anything. I decide to cash in a couple of endowment policies I had for sometime to pay for the sofa. Guess what he went mad, he said that I had no right to cash them in because he'd helped me pay for them. I told him that he'd left me no choice, I couldn't afford the sofa aswell as keep our daughter. I also pointed out that I'd stayed at home and looked after him and our daughter and I had worked part time and tried to help any way I could. We also paid for policies of his but he had cashed them in because he was constantly changing jobs. I was angry because I felt that these policies were my only way out. <P>Eventually I went back to him. Things didn't change much and a year later, I asked him to move out. He moved out and got his own place. I started to rebuild my life. After a few months for the first time ever he asked to come home and said we would go to counselling. We went to the first session. The session were very expensive and we couldn't afford anymore. We talked loads and I told him all that bothered me. He started to change his behaviour, I had started an assertive course and I am still carrying on learning to be assertive. We discussed how annoying it is when he is always intervening in what I am doing. He agreed he'd show me his way and I could choose to follow his way or stick with my own way. <BR>However, sometimes I snap if he shows me, I can't get rid of this learnt behaviour. I can't release this anger I have. He says I have an attitude problem. <P>If anyone knows how to replace learned behaviour I'd be delighted to hear. <P>I personally think that if you don't have kids, I'd get out now. It is very tiresome and hard and to me this man sounds twice as bad as my husband. You are young and you can find someone who really cares for you.<P>Take care<BR>Theressa