Please exercise tolerance, as this is my first posting ever. I greatly need suggestions for coping. I have two children (5 & 2), a great teaching job, and a failed marriage. For years I've been hoping my husband's repeated drink-a-thons, long work weeks (90 hours a week), and insensitivites (I received 4 prs. of underwear for Christmas & a pre-dinner passed out date for New Year's Eve) were a phase. Unfortunately, history in my home has repeated itself time and time again. The result? He messes up and either sends flowers or packs his bags at my demand.<BR>Needless to say, such a routine gets old. The problem? Four years ago he bought a tavern (huge mistake). Now, he's either drinking there or working there, but I'm home raising our two kids...how would I know the difference between his work and his play? To top matters off, his parents co-signed for the bar and while he says he would sell it, I've seen no grand efforts to do so (& his mother is a realator). He's filed for divorce, but has admitted it's not what he wants. I want nothing more than for my family to work, but I know it won't happen without his continuing effort (not just a two-week band aid).He's not been a good father (doesn't put in the time) or husband, but I still feel completely devastated. He sends mixed signals, but I feel like too much has happened for us ever to recover, yet I still love him (although I know it's for all the wrong reasons...he's the father of my kids, I fear seeing him with someone else, and the thought of someone else someday seeing me naked terrifies me!) In the end, I know my kids deserve better. What kind of son should have to ask for his 5th birthday for his dad to just go to 1 of his soccer games? It doesn't help that his family is not at all family-oriented...controlling--yes, but family oriented--no.I feel as though his family has never accepted us (the kids and me) as his new family and that he so wants to impress them as an entrepreneur.How do I end this when things feel so unsettled? And will I have regrets?<BR>

Poorophelia,<P>First, go to al-anon meetings. It's the best thing you can do for yourself and your marriage. Here's there main web <A HREF="http://www.al-anon.org." TARGET=_blank>www.al-anon.org.</A> It's wonderful, I went and will say it helped me more than I could ever imagine.<P>Research all the information on MB. Here's some information posted by another MBer that will get you started.<P>There is a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000553.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P><B>About your question</B>...<BR>...check out <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000557.html" TARGET=_blank>Acronyms, Smilies, UBB Codes</A>.<BR>NSR/Jim<P>Good luck with everything,<P>ANNA<P><p>[This message has been edited by Anna2000 (edited September 26, 2001).]

I want to second Anna's suggestion for Al-Anon. It has meant a world of difference for me...given me the confidence I need to do what I need to do.<P>I'm still married but it's shaky. H is recovering, but not nice or really "recovered". On Sept 11th he was laid off and has relapsed several times. My two kids turn 2 and 5 next month...the littlest one is not bonded to her dad the way he did with the first one (he was a pretty good dad for a couple years).<P>Al-Anon can help you figure out your life better, do some detaching and learn more about alcoholism. They do not advocate that spouses stay or don't stay with alcoholics (although they always recommends spouses leave when there is physical abuse to protect themselves and their children). There are no judgements.