While in Plan A, do you avoid contact with your spouse? That is, you only call for business and kids? I am doing that and it feels pretty good. Am I wrong?

Hi Rob, <P>I think Plan A is about trying to meet as many emotional needs of the spouse as you can, and minimising the LB's. It is also about presenting the best YOU there is, and in doing so you are learning, and becoming a better you.<P>If SHE doesn't want to talk to you about anything other than kids and business, then it is a good plan, because you are meeting her wishes. If you're not sure, try sending her a loving email and ask her to respond...you will know whether you overstepped the line....did you send the flowers...did she LIKE that, genuinely? If not, don't do it again, because althought it is a lovely gesture, it is a LB for her.<P>I only wrote to my H about those same issues because he specifically told me he didn't want anything else...although I did send him two e-cards for accomplishments of his...no response - so they weren't a good idea. <P>Which is why I said in my other post that I was already doing that bit of Plan B, and I am out of his sight already...so what am I left with. It's no threat to him, or challenge or whatever when I move to Plan B, because as far as he's concerned, nothing will essentially change. And you know I didn't figure that out until yesterday.<P>So Plan A is identifying her EN's and trying to meet them at every chance you get!!!<P>Love and light,<P>Jacky<P>PS: If my take on Plan A is wrong, someone else please correct me...but that's what i understood it to be and that's how I played it.

Rob,<P>Nina did a really good job helping with the question. I would just like to add a couple of things. Since she made her point clear she did not like your emails. I strongly recommend you really calm down on those for a while. You sent one recently regarding the 9/11 tragedy, you also sent one regarding what makes her angry at you. In which, like I said, the reply was too many emails from you. I wouldn't send any more love emails for quiet a while. I'd say limit your emails to two or three emails a week, at the most, only business and the kids. I know you may say with business and the kids that's not enough, but a lot of times the kids problems are questions that don't need an answer right away and so are the business questions. Think of things in advance for the week with questions such as sports times and dates, if you need revise the schedules or so forth. The same with business questions, compile a list and start a draft of an email with kids and business questions that aren't emergencies, to limit those emails. You said a lot of times your emails was just responding to her emails. Well, be careful and really evaluate if you need to respond. If you do need to respond, keep the responses as short as possible, if she disagrees with what you want to do in an email, perhaps email her back with something like "You made some very valid points. Is there a way we could compromise by..." or just a quick "Since we can't agree on this. Could you give me some suggestions on a way to compromise?" If you call her or email her too much, she will never have the opportunity to know whether she misses you or not.<P>I'm also telling you this because I can relate to too many emails and too many calls for things that my stbx thought needed answers right away. He'd call for one question, hang up, call again for another, hang up, so forth and so on. These are all questions that could have all waited. There was no emergency. They could have been compiled in one email and sent all together at one time. I have to say he's getting better. He usually emails me now and I actually go days without an email or phone call. He doesn't call or email me so much that I feel all, i'm doing all day is responding to his calls and emails. To me this is making my life easier.<P>Also, I've been thinking about my suggestion on sending her gifts, and how I would feel if my stbx sent flowers and gifts once a week to me. I think they would think daddy is trying and I am not. My situation is different since there was physical abuse, because I don't want him back at all, but even if I did want him back, I wouldn't like being pressured by the children to respond back and try too. I'd tell stbx stop sending the gifts immediately. I think even though are situations are different your wife may have the same reaction. So then I thought "Ok, what if he sent them to me and the kids.", there is nothing I could really say about that. Actually, I would think that is really sweet and clever of him to come up with sending it to all of us. I would think he's being a good father. To me this would be a positive thing.<P>So, having said that I would like to revise my suggestions to this. Through the mail or delivery to her house, I'd send her and the kids a gift once a week, don't over do it, I think once a week is enough. I think the cd you compiled is a great one to send, just if you haven't sent it yet, put on a note something like this "I enjoy listening to these songs because they remind me of you and wanted to send them to you and the kids with the hope it'll make you guys smile too.". Another suggestion would be wait on the cd. If she starts becoming more receptive to your advances then you would possibly give it to her on your first date. Anyway with that said, if you haven't sent the flowers yet, wait a week after you send the cd then you may want to consider sending them to her and the children, saying something like, "Just hoping to make you and the children's week a little brighter and give you guys something cheerful to look at through the week". A week later, possibly bring or deliver a basket of assortments of chocolates, again for her and the kids with a note saying something similar as the flowers.<P>Well talk to ya soon Rob, hope my suggestions help.<P>ANNA<P>

Excellent, excellent ideas! Thanks again! I both of you big time. Man, I have been out of touch with my romantic side for some time now. The light is getting brighter. I am pretty happy not emailing. I dont really miss it. Like last night, was bringing my boy, his nickname is H, from soccer practice. We were having a great time talking and laughing. Well, as we approached her parents, got a call to go into work. I unsually call her to let her know that we are close. I didnt this time. She went ballistic! KA-BOOM! I said, we were having a good conversation. She said "YOU ALWAYS call before, what do you mean you are in the driveway, I was going to.....never mind" I said "You were going to ask what?" She "said never mind, bye" before I could say "You were right, I always call prior to arrival. I should have" I just laughed. She is insane sometimes i think. I guess she was going to ask me to do something, like stop at the store or something. Anywho, dont care.<P>Even though the anger, I am still going to be nice and kind and take care of her. Why would she be angry.<P>I will come up with some ideas and a plan and float it by you ladies before I put it into action.<P>Thanks again,<BR>