I filed for divorce last Friday. WH has been gone 6 months and even though he still wants to act like best friends, he has done nothing to work on our marriage. He doesn't want to talk about it. He is still living with OW. <P>He says he didn't really want to get divorced. Duh? Why move out? Within the 1st couple of months he moved out, he would make comments that he couldn't see how it would ever get better. Our marriage was over according to him and he wasn't willing to try to get back together.<P>I told him last week that I was going to file for divorce because I needed to move on with my life even though I loved him and wanted to work on things. I asked him if that is what he really wanted. He said not really, he never really wanted our marriage to fail. But he said he understood that I had to do what I had to do. Yuk!!<P>The morning of the lawyer appt I again asked if anything had changed. No answer. He does not wish to work on our marriage but he doesn't want to end it either?????????HELP!<P>Anyway, he keeps saying things to lead me on. I asked him what he wanted for his B-day next week. He said he wanted us all to go out to Red Lobster.( our family tradition for B-Days) BTW he refused to take me there on mine this past June. He also says his employer is having a "family day" on Oct 13 and he wants us to come. <P>Do I even bother to do these things with him? I'm so confused. If he doesn't want to be in my life anymore, why is he trying to keep me hanging on. <P>I wrote up a temporary agreement about how we wanted our possessions divided. This will be attached to the divorce papers he gets next week. It took me 2 days to get him to read over it and he said he agreed with everything. I'm being very fair as I want to stay in our house temporarily for the children's sake. Anyway, he kept wanting to stall this process but I told him the lawyer would proceed without it anyway, but I thought it would be fairer and just alot nicer if we came to a settlement rather than having a total stranger divide our stuff up.<P>This morning I told him that the copies were on the table to be signed (the agreement only, not divorce papers). He said, Do I have to do this today? He asked if he could take them with him to review. I said " so your girlfriend can help you look over them". He said , "you know better than that" and came over and hugged me really tight. I almost lost it then. I just wispered "Please come home" and pulled away and walked upstairs to avoid him seeing how upset I was.<P>I hate this. I never wanted this. He says OW can't offer him anything that I can't provide and that I'm still his best friend. <P>I can't take these mixed signals anymore. Now that divorce process has begun, why is he doing this??/<P>Please someone help me understand. I just don't get it.<P>PP<BR>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by peoplepleaser:<BR>I can't take these mixed signals anymore. Now that divorce process has begun, why is he doing this??<BR><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I have seen my future, and it looks a lot like your present. I can't explain it- you're farther along in this process than I am- but my wife is giving me mixed signals as well. Wants independance- but is not doing much on D front. Sees me and kids every day they're here; invites me over to her house when they're there; but doesn't want to go out alone with me. If you check my "I see Plan B coming" thread, you can see the story of the reemergence of EA guy- but she's been out of the house for seven weeks, and that's the first sign, so who knows what's going on with them?<P>My interpretation is that she doesn't know what she wants. Your H sounds very similar- wants the family good vibes, but not the marriage that is part of it; wants the OW, but knows "she can't give him anything you can't..." In short, he's messed up.<P>What to do about it, I can't say- I've been at this a couple of months, and still have the patience to wait it out. What I'll feel at six months, like you, I don't know. I hope someone with more insight will respond- in the meantime, I hope it helps to know you aren't alone, you aren't the only one whose spouse has been abducted by aliens.<P>

Thanks train.<P>Sometimes I feel all alone and it is overwhelming. It's been a tough 2 weeks, I filed for divorce, our national tradegy, upcoming war, found out Aunt has breast cancer, uncle has prostrate cancer, my older brother had motorcycle wreck and has been in a coma since Friday(did brain surgery to remove clot) Thank God he finally woke up today and seems like he will be ok with a little time and a lot of therapy. Also, the Braves have been playing like crap, Clemson lost to VA, the Panthers lost, and Jeff Gordon didn't win the race(semi-ok, third's not too bad).<P>One good thing happened though. I won 2 computers in a contest at my local grocery store. One for me and one for my children's school. It was some kind of "back to better school promotion". It was the highlight of my week.<P>Well enough griping, back to work I go!!!! Thanks again.<BR>I also wish I had some answers too for both of us.<P>Lynn

Pleaser-<P>You sound so much like me. My husband moved out 8 months ago. I first heard rumors of the affair 7 months ago but he denied it until I had concrete proof in June. He has kept me on a yo-yo too, playing mind games, threatening divorce, then coming over and being all nice and loving. I gave birth to our fourth child at the end of July. When she was a week old he came over and announced it was over he would be filing for divorce as soon as he could and was going to publicly see the OW. Did he file? No I did. Not because I wanted to, but because I needed to protect myself financially. That was in August. At first he was really cold and angry. Then one night he showed up out of the blue and said he wanted to spend the night. I was totally shocked but let him, what happened the mind games began again. I know he is confused and I am trying to plan A it, but it is so hard. It seems like the more confused he gets the worse he is too me. He is still with the OW, but he can't seem to let me move on either. Someone here once told me to pray for patience and focus for myself and for clarity for him and the OW. I have been. I know this probably didn't help much, but our situations sound a lot alike and thought maybe it would help knowing you're not alone. You're in my prayers.<P>K

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by peoplepleaser:<BR><B>Anyway, he keeps saying things to lead me on. I asked him what he wanted for his B-day next week. He said he wanted us all to go out to Red Lobster.( our family tradition for B-Days) BTW he refused to take me there on mine this past June. He also says his employer is having a "family day" on Oct 13 and he wants us to come. <P>Do I even bother to do these things with him? I'm so confused. If he doesn't want to be in my life anymore, why is he trying to keep me hanging on. PP</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>People pleaser,<P>I think if you want him back, which I think you really do, then you should go to redlobster with him. Keep everything light and happy for his birthday, but don't let him make any romantic advances. Perhaps, before you go tell him you would love to go but only as friends. If he tried to make moves on you during or after dinner tell him that you would rather not have this happen at a time when he seems to be confused. I'd go with him on the company get together too. Same thing, keep it light and fun, but as friends only.<P>If things progress in your friendship, then i would tell him you would be willing to work on the marriage on one condition. he comes on MB and get's counseling from either here or someone else. I would not take him back until you see a changed person. <P>Take care.<P>ANNA<P>

Hey PP<P>Sorry your H is giving you mixed signals.<P>About the going with him to the restaurant.. Do you want to go? Will you have expectations from him if you go? Will you be disappointed if he doesn't live up to those expectations? You know how you feel and what you can handle. I don't think he will live up to your expectations, not the way he is now. Maybe it would be better if he realises he can't have everything his way. I would love to tell you to go for it, but you will probably be the one to get hurt. About family day... most of the same... except that it is in the day and less pressure...<P>It seems maybe that he is realising that he might lose you, and that scares him, but not enough, yet, to leave OW. Continue with the divorce process for your own sanity. You said you needed to move on. If during the divorce process he gets a wake up call then thats good, if he doesn't then you know that he probably never will.. and by then time will have passed, you will be stronger, and further on the road to recovery.<P>Pantha

The saga continues. He didn't sign the agreement that we verbally came to because "it is a big step and he didn't want to take it lightly" Well, that is about the stupidest thing I've ever heard from a guy who has been taking my feelings, his parents feelings, and our children's feelings lightly for 8 months. Since Jan. when he announced "I'm not happy", he has done nothing. Wouldn't see doctor, won't get counseling, will not call me to talk, doesn't see kids but about an hour a week and refuses to move out of home with OW, even though he says they don't have much of a relationship anymore. <P>I told him I wasn't taking any of this lightly. He just doens't get it that he is getting what he wanted. He wanted to end our marriage and get a divorce. Now of course he says it isn't what he wanted but he hasn't done one thing, not one, to show me he is serious about working on our marriage.<P>I'm sorry to keep beating a dead horse here. Divorce is not what I wanted but at what point do I stop living in limbo and start moving forward with my life. I wanted desparately for my H to give me a 2nd chance. I begged for forgiveness when I wasn't even sure what I needed forgiven for. He knows I would have done anything for him and for us. I was willing to sell the house and move, change my work hours, hire a housekeeper, grass service, whatever it would take to make things better for him.<P>Then again, I look and think what is he doing for me. He isn't meeting any of my needs. I can't count on him. I can't be held, kissed or cuddled. I don't get but 10 minutes in the morning on school days to talk to him. I certainly get no sexual satisfaction or domestic support, very little financial support, and only enough affection to make him feel better for hurting me. If I'm upset he will hug me briefly but I think it is more to make him feel better than me. <P>I didn't ask him to move home. I just wanted him to move away from OW so he could truly think about what he wanted. I know we have a long way to go to repair our relationship but he won't take the first step.<P>Now he seems very wishy-washy on the divorce thing. He keeps thinking if he ignores it, it will get better. He did the same thing with the increased resentment he let build up in our marriage without saying anything until it was too late. He ignores reality and just expects things to get better on their own without him having to put any effort into it. I simply can't take that attitude anymore. After 6 months, he should know whether or not he wants to try. If he wants his new life, fine. Just don't expect your old one not to change. Life goes on whether or not we want it too. Look at our country and how such a tradegy has bonded the majority of the people. <P>The new Jodie Messina song says it best....<P>Tomorrow's another day, I'm thristy anyway so bring on the rain.<P>PP<P>

Well, your H and my H are in the same fog...wanting to leave things like they are...<P>My H knew I had to talk about finances with his DAD who is our POA. I asked him to call his dad and have a talk, then get back to me. Basically FIL said he DID call, but didn't want to talk about it!!! My FIL had to get really firm and TELL my H what to do.<P>This is big time depression, MLC and the A all rolled into one, for both our H's.<P>It stinks, I know.<P>I think this is what is going through my H's head...Jacky will get mad enough to do all the divorce stuff herself...I'll just sit back and let her do all that horrible stuff. And that is one reason I won't do it. He thinks he knows what I will do, well he thought wrong. I have changed my strategies a lot since he left, and he hasn't woken up to it yet.<P>What do you need to do? Boy, it is so tough to give you advice, but I haven't been there yet. Do you TRULY want the divorce...if you do, push the issue. Push hard. Because you have to do what is best for you. <P>Sorry I couldn't be more help.<P>Thinking of you,<P>Jacky

No Jacky,<P>I don't really want a divorce. Never did. I just can't take the limbo and the doormat treatment. I had an incredible peace about my decision and while I deeply regret that things came to that point, I still think it was the right thing to do.<P>Of course I have doubts but I truly don't think my H plans to come home. He doesn't want to be married to me. He likes me and wants to be part of my life but doesn't love me and want to share his life with me. I'm like a sideline thing. There if he needs me but off to the side enough not to interfere with any of his plans or create any responsibility. He knows I'm a good mother so he doesn't have to worry about the kids. He never had a clue how much debt we are in and how to pay the bills and he hates yardwork anyway.<P>I've faced the fact that my H is lazy and self-centered and even though I love him for the 17 years we have been together, I really don't respect him for how he has handled our separation. He never thinks about anyone but himself.<P>I would love to go to this family day thing with him because I like exploring new things I've not seen before. To me it will be like a field trip. (maybe I've just watched too much Magic School Bus, I don't know) <P>I'm not sure at this point what effect this will have on the kids. I don't want them to be mislead by doing family things but I also know my H can handle them by himself in a crowd. Our 5 year old boy is a wild one......<P>I goes back to the same dilema I was in at Labor Day about the camping trip. However, it would make me very happy to spend time with my family just to piss the OW off. From what I gather she is quite controlling and keeps him on a short leash. ( something I never did)<P>It did make me happy that he wants to spend his birthday going out to dinner with me and the kids. Then again, it could be he wants to see them and knows I will not tolerate him taking her to help. I'm sill hurt that he wouldn't take me out for my Birthday in June. But then again, I know SHE will be hurt if he spends his B-day with us. Then again, I'm sure he will do his best to make it up to her. It really makes me sick to think about it.<P>Fog or no fog, my H refuses to give up OW and that degrades me and my self-esteem. I could not stay in a marriage on those terms no matter how much I love him.<P>Someone on GQII got it perfect. They said it was like I was in the water drowning and he was standing on the shore thinking "i dont want her to drown but I might get hurt if I try to help, it's not worth the risk"<P>Good analogy. I couldn't tread water forever and there was no one else coming along to rescue me. It was up to me to pull myself out of the lake and start living again.<P>Have a good night. Mine has been rough. I'm very tired.<P>Lynn <P>

Hi Lynn...<P>Gosh, you've been through the ringer... I'm very sorry. I can see why you just want some finality and get going on with your life. I too feel tempted to just end this relationship once and for all... but I've not been released yet to do that for some reason. Inside, though at times is immensely tempting, I'm not at peace with it.<P>Well, I pray for the best for you. I know that Mike would be here to coach you along if he could. Poor guy, I hope he's doing okay this time in his absence.<P>Anyway, take care. I'm feeling pretty whooped these days myself... <P>Ciao,<BR>nicole<P>------------------<BR><I>"You will deceive yourself into believing that if people, circumstances, and events had been different, your pain would not exist...Your pain is the concrete way in which you participate in the pain of humanity."</I> <BR>~ Henri Nouwen ~